𝐊𝐞𝐲 𝐓𝐨 𝐌𝐲 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 || 𝐉𝐢𝐇𝐲𝐮𝐜𝐤

9

August 1999

“I don’t wanna be a doctor,” Donghyuck says out of the blue. He is back in the passenger seat of Jisung’s car as they continue driving south going to Changwon. The festival has just ended. After changing clothes, Jisung keeps his promise and proceeds to take Donghyuck to his destination.

“Why?” Jisung indulges him, he always does. Whenever Donghyuck opens his mouth, he always listens and engages him in a conversation.

“Because it’s not what I want. It’s what my parents want.” He says. The sky is clear tonight. Millions of stars visible. It’s beautiful. Donghyuck doesn’t experience this a lot in the polluted city.

“What do you want?”

“I want to be like you,” Donghyuck admits. He looks down on his lap, embarrassed at how he is envious of the other. Jisung is free, loves what he does, and has supportive parents. Donghyuck wishes he has the same fate.

“Like me? I’m not that cool, bro.”

“No, you are.” Donghyuck shakes his head. “I want to be able to do what I want.”

“Like?”

“I want to write.”

“Like a novel writer or..?”

“Yeah, like that. I want to tell stories. I want to express my mind through words.”

“Man, that’s deep.”

Donghyuck doesn’t think he’s deep. He just wants to be himself. But he can’t. He stays silent and thinks about his studies. He thinks about dropping out of med school to pursue creative writing. He thinks about how his parents would react when they find out, what kind of job he could do if they disown them. This trip opens up lots of scenarios for him, so many possibilities if he could just let himself go. He is so tempted to do all of it and don’t give a fuck about anyone.

“But,” Jisung continues, speaking carefully. “I think following your parents isn’t that bad. They still know best and they only want to look out for your future.”

“I’m really tired of them pushing me around.”

“If they don’t push you, you wouldn’t even be in a med school which is still awesome.”

Jisung carries on giving him a mini-lecture, telling him that he wouldn’t be this persevering and diligent if his parents didn’t put him in a good school. He still could write while studying to be a doctor and maybe he could publish his own book once he is done with school if he still wants to. He could always pursue his passion anytime in his life but finishing med school is something he should do now.

Donghyuck’s rebelling thoughts get interrupted. “Why are you making sense?”

“That’s what they always say.” Jisung winks and flashes a playful smile at him, proud of himself. Donghyuck should be used to it by now as Jisung has a habit of making him panic through his gestures.

Aside from being fun, Donghyuck thinks Jisung is a genuinely good person. Maybe he is meant to meet Jisung on this trip. Maybe he needed someone like him to make him realize that we can’t always do what we want, we can’t be given the things we always desire. Maybe we should accept that sometimes things don’t go our way because it isn’t for us right now.

“Will you show me your photos next time?” Donghyuck asks. They are almost in Changwon. They just passed by a sign that says their exit is only two kilometers away.

“Will there be a next time?” Jisung looks at him.

“I don’t know.”

Jisung laughs. ‘Why are you saying that when you’re not even sure?”

Donghyuck isn’t sure what the future holds for them. He’s not sure what will happen to them once he reaches his hometown. He doesn’t know if Jisung will still remember him after this. The only thing he is certain of is he enjoyed Jisung’s company.

“Do you—” Donghyuck pauses. He is scared. Less than two kilometers and he would be parting ways with Jisung. He would go back to his sad life. No more bright smiles flashing his way, no more spontaneous walks, no more hands grabbing his arm while he walks, no more warm body constantly sticking beside him. Two days with him is just a short time but Donghyuck will miss Jisung a lot. “Do you want to see me again in the future?”

There it goes again, that smile that makes Donghyuck weak in the knees. They are almost at the Changwon bus terminal where Donghyuck would take a taxi going home. Jisung slows down. Donghyuck doesn’t want to think that he is buying more time to be with him. It's impossible.

“I promise when you publish your own book someday, I will personally get my copy signed by you, and then I can show you my photos,” Jisung tells him when he pulls over.

“Promise?”

“I always keep my promises,” Jisung assures Donghyuck.

Donghyuck takes out the antique key from his jacket pocket. “I’ll keep this.”

“You should! That’s expensive!”

Donghyuck giggles. He still thinks it’s ugly but Jisung gave it to him. He wishes he could give something to him too. He gathers all his things before he opens the door. “Bye, Jisung.”

“See you soon, Donghyuck.”

As Donghyuck watches Jisung’s car fade in the distance, he realizes he left something with Jisung, something he willingly gave him. The tall boy with bright smiles took his heart.