𝐊𝐞𝐲 𝐓𝐨 𝐌𝐲 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 || 𝐉𝐢𝐇𝐲𝐮𝐜𝐤

6

“Maybe you should stop being a potato and get out there again.” Jeno scolds Donghyuck who is still lying on his couch at 10 in the morning in the middle of the week.

Today is not a good day. Nothing comes up in his head. Nothing gives him the will to continue his darn book. It’s a normal phase. Donghyuck knows that. There are days when he feels nothing is going right, no words are good enough to be written.

Donghyuck understands that Jeno didn’t really mean what he had said. His best friend knows that dating isn’t high on his priority right now especially after being dumped by his long-term partner. Donghyuck wasn’t really hurt despite being with the guy for almost nine years. The relationship was meant to end. It was on and off, other people getting involved in between. Donghyuck didn’t expect it to last. They only stayed together because of familiarity and security. Love and passion have faded a long time ago.

“Shut up,” Donghyuck growls. He shifts his position to face the backrest of his couch, turning his back on his friend.

Jeno sighs as he picks up the scattered plastic cups, bags of empty chips, beer cans and bottles, dirty socks, and other Donghyuck’s garbage on his living room floor. If it wasn’t for Jeno, Donghyuck would be already living under a mountain of mess. He is an equally busy doctor himself, a heart surgeon, but he still looks after Donghyuck whenever he can. “How’s your novel? Mark is getting impatient and the last thing you want to do now is to push him over his limit.”

Donghyuck stays lifeless in his position. He has already written a few chapters but he has stopped progressing when he couldn’t think of anything but to murder his own self for being useless. Mark has been patient with him, giving him time to recuperate and slack off. He says people go through that stage in their lives and that a few days of not doing anything is not that bad. Well, it is bad for Donghyuck. He does not even want to stop doing nothing for two days now.

Realizing that he can’t go back now and escape Mark’s wrath if he submits his draft late, Donghyuck finally gets up. His eyes are tired, dark circles decorating it. He picks up a rubber band on the floor to tie his hair back as he follows Jeno to the kitchen. His best friend is washing his dishes, at the same time, preparing brunch for him.

“You do not have to do that,” Donghyuck tells him. His head is still a mess. He stands in front of his fridge, looking at his calendar that’s posted on it. May 28. Wednesday. He is supposed to finish Chapter 20. He laughs at himself because he isn’t even close to Chapter 15.

“Oh, please. How many times did you tell me that? You don’t do chores anymore, Donghyuck.” Jeno says, rolling his eyes He could be mad and just leave Donghyuck alone but Donghyuck knows how much Jeno loves him and won’t let him waste away his precious life just like this.

“I will really do it this time,” Donghyuck promises. His calendar also tells him that it has been six months since Renjun walked out the door after telling him they were over. Six months of trying hard to be a functional human being but failing because he was so used to being with him all these years. Maybe they didn’t love each other anymore towards the end of the relationship but Renjun’s the only guy who understood and loved him even in his worst state. Maybe he hasn’t moved on from him yet. Maybe he still misses him. Maybe the reason why Donghyuck can’t continue writing is the thought of Renjun lingering in his mind. He can’t write about finding love because he doesn't know what it means anymore.

Jeno puts down the plate he was scrubbing to look incredulously at Donghyuck, wanting to confirm if his friend is joking or serious with what he is saying. “Are you just trying to kick me out to go back on your couch or you really meant what you said?”

Donghyuck smiles. “I’m serious. I don’t want Mark to beat me up.”

Jeno had heard Donghyuck said those words before, promising him he would write and get out of those ugly ass sweatpants of his but then he crawled back to his cocoon of misery when he leaves him alone. Hence, Donghyuck can’t blame Jeno if he isn’t putting 100% of his trust that Donghyuck would really do it.

“I am taking a shower now,” Donghyuck assures him, showing Jeno he is on his way to the bathroom already. “I will go out today and try, okay?”

“Yeah, you do that.”

Donghyuck has decided to get a haircut that afternoon. Mark was right. He looked like a stoned rock star from the sixties. Maybe even worse.

It’s getting dark outside when Donghyuck left the salon. People are on their way home, catching the bus or the train, students are loitering the streets, some working men in suits smoking in the sidewalk, couples having an argument where to have their dinner.

Donghyuck is feeling a little light, enjoying the premature summer breeze hitting his newly-groomed face. He is not really paying attention to the road he was going to. He is busy observing and thinking about the fact that there are thousands of people in the city and yet he hasn’t found the right person for him.

He thought he had. When he was twenty, he met him but let go of him after spending only two days together. And then Renjun came. Donghyuck thought he was the one for him. Nine years later, he’s back wondering.

Writing this book makes Donghyuck want to go back in time, back in 1999 where he first discovered himself and had a full grasp of his identity. Meeting him, meeting Jisung, was the highlight of his youth. He wonders what would have happened if they met again a few years after their first encounter. What if he asked his full name and his contact number? What if he wasn’t awkward and coward?

Donghyuck is walking senselessly down the street, deep in his thoughts, not minding the people that pass by him.

“Goddamnit.” He curses when he sees that his bus stop is packed with commuters. He checks his watch and learns that it is six in the evening. He automatically decides to either walk or grab dinner somewhere first before he takes a cab home.

Frustrated, he turns around to go the other way when he gets pushed by an older man who is trying to get on the bus. As a result, he slightly bumps into an innocent man who is standing on the sidewalk near the crowd. His head hit the taller man’s firm chest who smells a combination of sweat, cologne, and coffee. Donghyuck utters an apology but doesn’t bother looking up to see the man’s face. He feels the man’s grip on his either shoulders to keep him from falling before he starts walking away.

While inside the taxi on his way back to his apartment later that night, for an unknown reason, a piece of metal drops from his wallet when he is about to pay the driver. He picks it up from the leather seat before he alights the vehicle. He's stunned to see it. He didn’t even know that he still has it.

It's the key.

Donghyuck may have found his inspiration.