A Collection of My Thoughts.

Lost Love.

There once lived a girl who put her heart behind ice walls and her soul behind cages, for she had experienced hurt from a very early age.

Yet, on an unexpected July morning, she met him. He, who would in turn change so much in her.

He was sunshine to her then-cold heart, a plethora of warmth who melted all the walls of self defense she had curated over the years. Spending days with him felt like the very first burst of air after nearly drowning underwater, and his presence was like experiencing color for the first time, washing her monochrome past away.

Through every inside joke, every smile, and every 'Good morning' exchanged, the very first flowers finally bloomed in her heart.

He was there through mornings filled with sleepiness, through failed exams and questioning gazes, through good grades and solved problems, through every joke and every frustration, through every rebellious act, through every butterfly in her tummy and through every secret glances, hidden smiles and unspoken feelings.

She loved the sparkle in his eyes, how it twinkled whenever he laughed, how it shined whenever he discussed topics from his vast collection of knowledge. She loved his patience and his compassion for others, how he was always able to be empathetic with everyone. She loved how he was the smartest person in the room, with the wittiest of comments and cheekiest of jokes. And she completely loved how he would get shy; avoiding gazes through hidden smiles.

But above all, she loved how he brought out the best in her. For he allowed her to feel safe and just be herself— something that she had never felt safe to do. He accepted every anger, every tear, every laugh and every happiness. A spectrum of everything she had kept hidden for fear of rejection, he accepted.

Yet, everybody knew that the world works in wondrous ways. A decision made was equal to a sacrifice. For her, a decision made for her future meant sacrificing what she held dear— him, and the possibility of them.

She threw herself into studies, and as the days go by, they grew further apart. Yet, deep down, their hearts were still in the same place.

She still knew him like no other— how, underneath the smile and twinkle of his eyes, there laid sadness and hurt that mirrored hers. She still knew of his dreams, his ambitions and his hopes. And months after she left, they still managed to keep in contact with each other.

Yet, as Niki had said, "Heavens denied. Destiny decried." Something unforeseen happened, shaking the grounds of his foundation and all he held onto. And just like she expected, he hid all of it under his well curated exterior. Nobody knew that he was struggling, that he had lost his direction. But she knew, and he knew, she knew.

He hid away from her, ashamed. In that moment, she realized that maybe there was a curse too in knowing someone too well. For in that moment, she knew she had lost him.

She wandered aimlessly after that, going back to her original standard of keeping people at arm's length. Yet this time, there was a big difference.

She had kept him on the small corner of her heart. First out of love, but as time went by, it became out of self defense. Losing him hurt her like no other, and she didn't want to feel that kind of pain anymore, so she compared every other person with him.

He became the unreachable standard— the criteria that was never met by anyone.

For years, she felt comfortable. Safe, even. Yet, after all dreams were achieved and all goals completed, she was left with loneliness and an empty heart.