My salvation

Chapter 3

Right now, Zain is listening carefully to every word his teacher says for this is his favorite subject at school. What is that you ask? It’s English. Zain loves languages in general. He thinks it’s so cool to be able to speak more than one language. However, to Zain, The English Language is on another level. As he is listening, he suddenly feels the need to pee. He hates the bathrooms at his school but it’s either peeing in there or peeing himself so, he grudgingly asks his teacher permission to go to the bathroom and he agrees

Zain gets out of the class and walks to the bathroom. It’s a long journey since his class is on the third floor and he feels sorry for his feet because not only do they have to walk down three flights of stairs, but they will also have to walk them up on the journey back to the class. He finally reaches the bathrooms and as he is about to enter, he finds some of his classmates having a little competition. They are trying to see whose pee will reach longer.

Zain was already disgusted with the idea of using the school’s bathrooms and now he is much more disgusted because of this competition. He was about to ignore his classmates and their stupidity and enter the bathroom when one of his classmates calls him and asks him to join the competition. Of course, Zain refuses at first but then, his classmates laugh and one of them says, “Why not? Are you a girl in disguise? Do you not have a penis?” Zain gets nervous. He already doesn’t feel like a boy. He doesn’t care for many things that boys are supposed to like or do. He prefers the company of girls and he likes many of the things girls like. He starts overthinking. “What do I do? Should I just ignore them? But then what if they go around telling people that I’m a girl? What if they start treating me badly? Maybe I should just agree and join this stupid competition? But, it’s disgusting. I will hate myself even more than I already do? But I don’t know what they will do or say if I don’t join them. I have to do it. I will hate myself for it but I already do anyway. What I won’t be able to deal with, however, is if they say that I’m not a boy or if they start bullying me. I’ll just do it.”, Zain thinks to himself. He looks at his classmates after he puts on a mask to hide how he really feels and says, “I’ll show you who is really the girl among us.”. His classmates chuckle and then, they start the competition. Zain wins the competition. His classmates cheer. Now, zain is disgusted with himself but he is also relieved he won’t have to deal with rumors or bullying. He pretends to be happy he won. And, thankfully, his classmates believe him.

They get back to the class and now Zain can’t focus at all at what his teacher is saying. He tries but he can’t. All he can do right now is think about how disgusted he is with himself. How much he hates himself. How lonely he is because he will never be able to have a friend. He would never be friends with any of his classmates. They will never understand him and to be honest, he doesn’t wany any of them to be his friend. And, it’s not like he is close to anyone in his life. Not to his siblings. Not to his grandparent. Not to his dad. Not even to his mom.  It’s terrible to have no one who can understand him. No one he can vent to. No one he can rely on. He wishes he was never born to begin with. “Will I ever have someone that will actually like me for me and not for the me I’m pretending to be? It’s like I’m bound to be alone forever. Like I’m cursed. Why would anyone like me anyway? I can’t even like myself. I hate my life. I hate everything about me. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of loneliness. I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m tired of acting like I’m okay all the time. I’m tired of trying to be perfect but if I don’t act like that, I’ll just lose everyone. Even my mom. I really wish I was never born. And, it’s not like I can kill myself since that will lead me to burn in hell forever. I hope I die soon. Please, Allah, let me die soon.”, thinks Zain to himself.

The rest of his classes go by and now he is going home. He will probably spend the rest of the day in bed. It’s what he does every time he is reminded of how lonely he is. Of how he has no one. Of how he has to pretend to be someone he is not just to get people to not leave him.

He goes home, he greets his grandparents and his mom, he changes his clothes, has lunch and then he throws himself under the covers and stays in his bed for the rest of the day.