the things i never said

the smallest man who ever lived

I listen to taylor's new song and as I listen to the lyrics, I can't help but to think about you. I didn't mean to, but they fit like a puzzle piece, just like we did. You made me feel safe when I felt so unsafe and unwanted in my own home. Over time I associated you with the feeling of being wanted and loved and safe. You gave me those feelings but slowly took them away. We dated for two months but we were so intertwined I can still feel your calloused hands on my warm skin. Some ways worse than others. You took away my voice. You took away my safety. You took away all rights to ever be upset with me.

I finally caved, and watched all of our memories together. Somehow it's been two years since we met and not a day goes by that I wish we actually never did. I loved you more than I loved anyone and you deserve to know that, but I don't deserve the pain I feel at the mere thought of you. I can't even love someone else properly. I tried falling for some other guy, but he'll never be you in the best and worst ways. He'll always treat me better, but because of you i'll never be able to see where it goes. You took away my fear of man and replaced it with a worsened, deepened fear of men.

I go about my life not giving you a second thought. You are just a stranger I now can say I fell for in every way possible and that fucks me up sometimes. Sometimes I let the though of you seep like a tea bag. Sometimes I let you darken my surroundings. I let the good override the bad. I let the laughter filter in instead of the screams and tears from afterward that I force myself to remember so I don't go running back. I let the fact that I felt so comfortable around you within days be reminded so clearly. I remember how you listened to me when I spoke about my sexual assault. I remember how you told me I never had to do anything I never wanted to. I remember how you pushed my short hair behind my ear to look at my face in a better light. I remember how you didn't sleep even when I was hours away because I got attacked by a dog and you couldn't sleep until I was back at my dads safely. I remember how you'd come over every morning after practice just to kiss me and hold me in your arms for less than a second because I always pushed you away due to how sweaty you smelled from practicing in the humid hours of the morning.

On the days I can't bear the thought that I let all of it go, I remember how I said no and you never took that answer. I remember how you fought me on my sexuality because you were uncomfortable with me being around my friends because you thought i'd fuck them at random if they asked. I remember how I couldn't be friends with certain people because it made you feel insecure. I remember how you got upset with me because I spoke with my brother while we went to get food instead of you who were sat on the phone while I was in the car. I remember how you said we needed no boundaries. I remember how you told me I should treat you differently because I was dating you and you'd never sexually assault me like the others all the while doing exactly that. I remember how at the beginning when I told you about my sexual assault, you told me to say no and tell you when I didn't want to so if we broke up I wouldn't speak on it and ruin your reputation.

It's easier to remember all of the bad, and say I let you go for a good reason. It's easier to heal from something I let go for a good reason. It's easier than remembering how my laugh was real and how my feelings ran deep and how i had never had a connection like that before you and how you rebuilt my world with your hands before i tore it in two. It's easier to heal the sexual assault wounds than it is to know I let go of the one man who made me feel so fucking much in so little time.

Sometimes I want to reach out, tell you to come back, say I'm sorry and it'll never happen again. But I don't want what we had, I don't miss it. I don't miss the way you hurt me. I don't miss the way you have completely fucked over how I bond with people. I don't miss your stupid dyed blonde hair and your blue fucking eyes. I don't miss the way you made me laugh and the way you made my eyes light up. I don't miss the way I showed you all of my comfort movies and told you about my books. I don't miss the way you held me and made me feel safe. I don't miss you. I miss myself. The me you made come back. I miss the little girl you had wrapped around your finger because in all of the damage, you started to heal the girl who was neglected most of her childhood. But not you, no, I miss me. I couldn't begin to forgive you when you made me feel everything good and bad this world had to offer.