They Called Me A Sinner

Swirling Through Raging Emotions

The next week was a blur. I missed 5 days of work since I just stayed in the warehouse the entire time. At one point I called some friends over and a DJ creating a raging underground party at the warehouse. I shared my drugs with everyone and they shared their lovely drugs with me. I had a few one time only's with random men that came to the parties. I slept in the office most of the time only in my bra and underwear. I don't think there wasn't a single point in time when I wasn't tripping on poison and drunk.

There is only one day that I remember. Wednesday. I remember staying sober long enough to pay Silas. I remember him yelling at me saying that I was wasting my life away. More tears fell that day than any other day in my life. That's when I began to realize that I missed him and wanted him back.

FRIDAY, MEETING PLACE:
"Fuck." Was the first word I said when I woke up. I was lying naked on the floor in the office next to a naked African-American man. I tasted vomit in my mouth and saw a grotesque spill of my stomachs acid on the floor next to me. I noticed that the man next to me neither had protection on or beside him and the dull ache between my legs told my that the sex we had last night was fast, harsh, and unprotected.

"Fuck." I said again. The first thought that flew into my head was getting the morning after pill but that was practically impossible at this point seeing how I did not know where neither my clothes or my shoes were. The man next to me began to stir, he moaned and slowly opened his eyes to reveal bright blue orbs. He sighed and looked at me with remorse and stuck out his hand.

"I'm Jacob."

"Grave-" I began saying, accepting his hand softly in mine.

"I know who you are Graveyard Flower." He quickly interrupted me pulling his hand away from mine.

"Oh." Was all I was able to say. He began to stand and shuffle around the office looking for his clothes. I joined him in the search and looked for mine careful to not step on anything sharp. I spotted my grey panties hanging from a nail in the wall above my head. I stood on my tippy toes to get them but embarrassingly failed. I felt Jacobs chest graze against my back as he reached up to grab my underwear for me.

"Thank you." I muttered blushing lightly as I slipped them on. I continued to look and one by one gathered all my clothing slipping on the outfit I came up with last Wednesday. Once I was fully dressed with my jacket on, surprisingly all of my accessories, and my heels in hand I found that Jacob was also fully dressed. We quickly made eye contact but I soon broke it and looked down, my hands suddenly becoming the most interesting thing to me.

"Um, we didn't use protection did we?" Jacob started, standing aways from me.

"No." my answer was short and curt.

"I'm sorry. Are you-"

"On the pill? No. I spend all of my money on drinking and drugs. Most guys I sleep with have enough sense to put a fucking condom on!" I began to yell at him my face turning red with anger and frustration. I knew that it was partially my fault for being unwise with my money spending and having sex so casually but I liked living on the edge without having to take medication that could possibly kill my high and buzz.

"I'm sorry. I was so drunk and high last night I could think straight." He looked remorseful and I slowly found my self regretting going off on him like I did.

"It's fine. I'm gonna go to the pharmacy on my way home and get the morning after pill." I said while digging around in my pockets. Luckily I found my pay from last Wednesday and another $50 in my jacket pocket taking my grand total to $375 enough to get me home, get some groceries, and buy the morning after pill. I continued to wonder how $50 appear in my pocket after every blackout I have but I decided to think nothing of it.

"Okay. Well bye then." Jacob turned to leave and stepped through the doorway and made his way down the stairs to main floor of the warehouse.

THIRTY MIN. LATER, HOME:
I kicked the door open causing it to bang against the wall behind it. My hands were full of groceries that were quickly slipping from my arms. I rushed into my kitchen/dining room area an carefully placed all of them on the counter. After putting the groceries away I made my way to the bathroom to take a shower.

After stepping out of the shower I wrap my towel tightly around my body and walk over to my old record player and placed a Hanni El Khatib record onto it and moved the needle. My favorite song Melt Me started to play. I swung my hips to the beat and twirled around letting the towel fall. As the song faded I stopped dancing and stood still in the middle of my bedroom floor. I slowly looked around the mess of my room and let the tears I've been holding back fall. I sobbed and fell to the ground with a loud thud. I pulled at my hair and scratched and pinched at my skin. I probably laid there for hours sobbing and screaming eventually letting my self drift into a much needed sleep.

SATURDAY, HOME:
I woke on the floor of my bedroom to hear my phone ringing in the living room. I slowly picked my self up and walked across the cold linoleum floor to were I found my phone on the couch. I snatched it up and pressed the call button.

"Graveyard Flower where the fuck are you?! It's been over a week since you've come to work and if I don't see you tonight you're fired!" I heard Johnson yell at me through the phone.

"Shut the fuck up." I groaned.

"Excuse me?"

"I said SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU NAGGING BITCH! IM QUITTING!" I yelled through the phone and hung up. I tossed the phone into the couch and walking into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I quickly gulped it down and sighed to myself, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I walked back into my room and took out my jewelry box stashed under my bed. I opened it and started to take out all of the poisons I have accumulated over the years. Packets of cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, weed, meth and pain killers scattered all over the floor as I pulled them out. Heroin needles going along with them. I then quickly went to my closet realizing I was still nude, and quickly got dressed in a pair of faded shorts and a shirt that had Lana Del Rey's face printed onto it. I gathered the drugs into my hands and threw them into a metal trash can outside my house. Quickly running inside I grabbed a few lighters and match books and tossed then into the trash can keeping one lighter and match. I light the match and tossed it into the trash can and watched as the flames engulfed the pain relievers that aided me for so many years.

"This is my new beginning."