No, you don't need it

Burn More

Stop.

Stop thinking about it. Put down your phone. 

"Hey, wanna pass me the ingredients for the nachos?"

I nodded, glad I could get up to do something.

I studied the contents of the bag even after passing it to him.

No- do NOT pick that bag up again. Do you feel that? the remnants of food in your mouth? exactly, stop thinking you need to eat something. Look at how your stomach falls over your jeans. It's a month away from summer. You NEED to get it together.

I looked away from the corner the bags are in, and stopped making plans on what small thing I could snack on; knowing damn well it would mean ending my 3hrs into fasting already. I nearly made 24 hours today. I don't know if I should feel ashamed of saying that or not...

My brain feels like it's pacing. I looked at my phone already visualizing opening a social media app, asking an ed friend if I should just risk it. No, no I won't do that. They might be sleeping. I visualized asking my closest person in the world. No. aren't you tired of doing that??

Do an exercise-- ugh, the fucking cat is on the floor. And you're helping to make the family's snack. Wait, there's no cat; you're not at home.

"You good over there?" 

Journal? practice your French? Je ne pas mange plus. Je veux dormir. Non, no. 

I want to curse out loud. This mental bicker is normal. It's dangerous, but normal.

"Mhmm, I'm good. That smells good though," 

I chuckled and so did he.

Ok, I won't. It's extra calories I'd have to burn out. I don't need to have anything else. That grumbling stomach? Gonna go away with some cold water or plain old ignoring. I'm full.

I feel stuffed. I don't need anything else in my stomach. No eating 4hrs before bed. The earlier you start your fasting the better, and for the LOVE OF GOD DO NOT eat your daily normal intake within your eating window hours. You fuck yourself over.

I should just do another project... I have a few pending now. How much did I walk today? Did I look tired? did I look disheveled? I don't think I did. There was a lot of 'wow' glances.

Around me I could hear conversations pursuing, the other girls and guys were coming around the island to observe our friend work his magic. I slowly ripped my eyes away. I better not look like I wanted to lick the spoon with the remnants of the snack component.

Did my mom think I still didn't want her cooking today when I was eating that pattie?

Jeez, she's confusing. "Watch your starch intake(too much)" "You're not eating enough starch" within weeks. Which is it?

What. Why is my brain like this? 

"Want me to help you get the plates?" I heard someone else ask.

This is just a normal part of your life.  You've had this infatuation with keeping a certain body from they told you you were underweight for your age at 9.

I just wanna know to myself that I'm always desirable. I keep playing with life, fucking around, and life refuses to put me back under 120. I feel so pudgy saying I'm 130's. 

I should just go to sleep early, which turns into getting into bed at the desired time of sleep but alternating between 'regular' content and ED content. 

Do I keep at this and die from it? I hope I don't.

Sometimes I'm glad I get acid reflux. Anything I eat after can make it worse, So, I don't need to eat anything else.