The disgrace of Dazai Osamu

Useless feelings.......

Dazai was so sad that night, his thoughts about Chuuya were getting worse and worse, there wasn't other thing that he could do that wasn't thinking about Chuuya. After cutting himself, he cleaned the mess he made.

The corner room was stained in blood.

Dazai was suffering a lot of pain physically, but it couldn't be compared to his emotional pain, he was suffering a lot, he wanted to die, and disappear forever, he felt so bad of not being able to talk to Chuuya, he felt so weak, and so he is.

Dazai put on some new bandages on his arms, being used to wear bandages since he was fifteen years old made it easy to hide, since the ADA members always saw him with bandages.

Dazai laid down in his bed, tired of life, and he tried to fall asleep, but as always he.failed, he felt so bad, so guilty, and there is something that still scares him everyday and torments him........

It was morning now, Dazai got up and took a shower, then he had breakfast, and he walked to the agency, he saw someone there, it was a weird silhouette, it was all black, but it was a presence that Dazai recognized, it was as if he saw that silhouette before. Then everything was slowly going dark, everything looked abstract, it looked like an hallucination, and it was.

Dazai woke up in the floor of the office, in the clock it was 7:00 a.m., "Why was I do early...?" Dazai kept asking himself , he just had various hallucinations, maybe because he hasn't been sleeping well, not sleeping well causes hallucinations, and that's what is happening to him, his state is getting worse and worse, he could even die of that.

Dazai say in his usual chair, waiting for others to arrive, he had to wait a whole hour, he was so bored, that he started to hallucinate again, he was seeing Chuuya and Odasaku on front of him, asking him to choose between them, getting angry at each other.

For Dazai it was so real that he started to "talk" with them, they started screaming at each other and ignoring Dazai, then they looked at Dazai, they started screaming at Dazai, then they got on front of Dazai, their figures becoming abstract, then it appears as if they died, Odasaku getting shot by a third party, then Chuuya grabbed a gun and shoot himself directly where the heart was, Dazai couldn't do anything, he fell to the floor, crying, What was he feeling? Uselessness? Was he feeling angry at himself? How was he feeling?.......

He wished to die in that exact moment.

Dazai realized that it was an hallucination, he was on his knees, crying, looking at the floor intensively, what was happening to him now?

Dazai used a tissue to clean his tears, he tried it to look like nothing happened, he was successful, then, he sat on the chair again, and waited a lot for the others to arrive.

The others came, and they were surprised that Dazai was there, but they got happy, because they thought that Dazai was finally behaving, so they said to Dazai that they were glad, specially Kunikida, Ranpo, it was incredibly unbelievable, Ranpo didn't notice anything, he was too busy solving a case.

when Dazai and Kunikida were alone because of some work they had to do, Kunikida didn't waste his opportunity, and he decided to confront Dazai.

Kunikida: Dazai......about yesterday, just tell me what's going on.....

Dazai: it's nothing Kunikida-kun ~! I was just tired, that's all~!

Dazai did surprisingly good this time, but the thing, it was that Dazai was feeling even worse, but it's useless, Dazai would never do anything to help himself in this situation.

Kunikida: Are you sure.....?.you looked really down yesterday......

Dazai: I'm fine, don't worry about me Kunikida........

Kunikida suddenly looked at Dazai, it was the first time that Dazai called him that way, Kunikida thought that maybe Dazai didn't want to make others make false assumptions, and understood, no, "understood", Kunikida went to the wrong path again.

Kunikida: if you say so......

After work, Kunikida and Dazai parted ways, Dazai decided to go home this time, so he did, and he did the same as always, have dinner, some crab, change his clothes to some pajamas, and to lay down in his bed, and stare at the ceiling thinking about Chuuya and Odasaku. Dazai thought something new this time, about himself.

It's not like he just looses the people he loves, it's his own fault, he is intelligent, smart, yes, but, he is imprudent when it's about friendships and relationships, he has a lot of trouble expressing himself, he can't make others understand how he feels, because he doesn't even understand how he feels, the only word that can describe it for him is "bad", he is with his eyes open, but at the same time, his eyes are closed.

For us, it's easy to tell what he is feeling, but for him, it is not, it's just an enormous quantity of pain that he can't see behind everything, and it's not like he wants to, his brain is blocking all of that things, he doesn't want to realize either, so, someone has to open his eyes, even a small quantity of light could make him see.

Dazai is dislikes clowns, because they hide themselves, and try to make others happy by faking their personality using a mask, as they make others smile, the clown might not be satisfied, because his work, the thing that makes them win money, its meaning is just to make others feel good by a fake thing, what if they're broken from the inside?..... Clowns are not fine, and worse the others that don't win money by that, the ones that does it just to look as a person that is alright and just wants to help people while that can't even help themselves, Dazai hates clowns.

And he hates himself.