𝐲𝐮𝐚𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐧 ⁀➴ paul atreides

13 ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ finally free

─── ･ ｡ﾟ⟡ 🌘 ⟡ ˚｡ ･ ───

thirteen

'A person that truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is.'

─── ･ ｡ﾟ⟡ 🌘 ⟡ ˚｡ ･ ───

(Y/N)

Mom and Dad don't care about me, I bitterly think to myself as I stare at the book that captured everything known about the Fremen as it lay on the floor in front of me.

The thought is sickening, but as I look at whatever letter they sent as a good-bye, the sinking feeling grows worse. They never cared at all; this marriage is a joke. 

A sick game to them, and I'm their pawn.

The silence around me, besides my breathing, causes the voice in my head to grow louder and silently express my frustration. Mom hates the dress, Dad makes me prepare for my duty as Duchess, and what am I left to do? 

Be their proper little girl and have no freedom.

For once since the marriage and the overwhelming duties, I've felt free. With Thufir bowing at me and even Paul being nice to me, I feel like I'm home.

The forests have been nice, but... what if I'm not even meant to be there? What if my home is here? No, that's ridiculous. 

Maybe you're home is with Paul.

Before I can even think, my heart is speaking for me, and maybe it's right.

But the thought of my parents' words still lingers. All my life, they've wanted a Duchess or Duke who will lead the planet into a better future, but that's what everybody wants. But no, they got a girl. A girl who will one day become a wife and a mother and be better than her own ever was. Sure, they've shown their love, and I love how friendly some people are, but I couldn't even date anyone for God's sake.

How am I meant to experience life if it's...gone?

Maybe this 'Lisan al-Gaib' can help me. Maybe this 'Voice from the Outer World' can heal me of whatever past has chained me.

I feel caged.

And I want out.

I stare at the book, sitting on my bed and spiraling into my thoughts. I knew what was right.

They really didn't care. They just wanted to send me off to be married, and for what? After everything they've trained me for, they'd just send me away to marry a Caladanian and say 'this is your life now'?!

'This is what you were made to do'?!

The frustration piles up as I clench my fists, the harsh truth hitting me over and over again, and for once, I'm grateful.

All they wanted was someone perfect.

And I'm not that.

And it hurts. It hurts that I was abandoned for 12 years of my life, and the 5 years after my 18th birthday have been hell until I came to Arrakis. Trained to be a warrior and then forced to become a wife afterward. It hurts that for hours I was left alone to take my anger out on training dummies and face my mentors' harsh words of encouragement and criticism. It hurts that the one time I feel loved is on my own wedding day, but even that has just shown me it's all a lie.

Angry at my family for putting me through this, I crumble up the paper in my hands and throw it at a wall, standing up and nearly crying from so much pent up rage. 

I'm angry.

Angry at the fact that my parents left me alone to learn how to deal with my inner conflicts. Angry that I never got the chance to experience real love until now. Angry at the fact that for my entire life, I've been turned into a precious doll that should look good for the man she'll be wed to and never think of what she could do instead. Angry at the realization that I was left alone in my emotions to cope and learn that this isn't who I am.

I'm ready to hurt someone and just want it to be over.

I want the pain to be over. The pain of remembering that I'm a pawn. The pain of fighting my hardest only to be shut down. The pain of complying even when I knew I shouldn't.

The pain of knowing that I just might have to remember this sickening reality for the rest of my life.

I want it to be gone.

Nearly ready to go find a training dummy and spar, I turn to storm out of the room only to find Paul stepping inside.

Time freezes as I look at him, my expression is complex and yet all I feel is pain. Before either one of us can speak, I stride to him and hug him tightly, burying my face in his neck and shakily take a breath.

His arms wrap around me, slowly squeezing me into an embrace I thought he'd reject.

This is my husband. This is my husband. How on Earth did I end up with such a kind man?

We don't speak, and he doesn't even question why I'm shaken up; he just hugs me. 

Like a mother would.

Like a lover should.

I just squeeze him tighter, and to my surprise, he shifts to gently kiss the side of my head, and my heart tightens like it's the one being squeezed instead of my body. I sink further into his embrace, and my thoughts calm down, though one remains.

'Till death do us part' means we're in this for life.

And now I feel like the moment I've been waiting for all my life has finally come.

I've found my peace and quiet in the chaos.

And my heart's aching desires are confirmed when he gently whispers, "It's okay," even when he doesn't know what's wrong.

His grip tightens, and I feel like I'm finally free.

Free to just be... me...

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

Before you ask 'who hurt you', I am perfectly fine; this isn't based off my trauma.

I just made it all up for the character, and yeah, it's deep. But honestly, I love that there's the little things in this book.

Paul's hesitation, the trauma I've made for your character, the little kisses and small gestures... it all fits. And it'll make sense throughout the book, I promise.

Also, has anyone noticed the moon phases keep changing every chapter? Just a little thing for ya :)