Datura Reviews

Review 1 | Scarred Smile

Scarred Smile by MrReader19999

Review by EvelynYvette

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Blurb:

Polly is just a woman who likes to help people. She loves protecting them and making them feel safe. There's one big problem, however. She has a horrible scar on her face that earns her hatred and disgust from the very people she tries to protect. She doesn't hate them back however. Her only concern is that she frightens them and that's why she wears the mask she wears. One night things change when she meets another woman in the same situation as her. A woman named Dolly who loves art. The two of them form a deep connection and bond. Polly is a warm, gentle soul. Dolly? Not so much.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼

1) There are two metaphors in the first paragraph, and while I enjoy both of them, I believe it would be more advantageous to have one or the other. I would remove "A comforting warmness.." as it seems like you are emphasizing the night as a key atmospheric entity for readers to focus on.

2) I also believe the second paragraph is conflicting, if we are supposed to feel at peace, utilizing words like trapped or disturbed in conjunction with the word void which I feel is inclusive of feeling claustrophobic or anxious. I would instead remove the phrase peaceful and utilize the word silence, or some synonym.

3) I love how Laura is set up as an individual who is simply crashing into the scene with Drew!

4) I think as a reader I would benefit from some explanation here, how did the police set her up? For example, I almost thought there would be an exposition along the lines of "She got caught up by Operation honey pot, a 6-month sting into her crew's dealings at the shipping port. They found [insert illegal activity] but Laura wouldn't go down without a chase."

5) Drew's relationship to Laura I believe could be explained or given more context. For example, it could be the case that Drew didn't even have a warrant out for his arrest, but he wanted to ensure Laura got away. I think this supports the point of Laura's relationship with Drew.

6) I think the chase could be drawn out just a bit more, could a cop car hit the side of the car? Do they ride on the sidewalk? Perhaps this would be a good time to frame where they are in the world, are they driving through a city or a town?

7) This is random, and not a suggestion on your knowledge of guns but more a statement of my knowledge of guns. Usually, when someone is trained in using a weapon such as guns, trigger safety is extremely important, and most people are taught that when you shoot you shoot to kill. So, therefore, Drew shooting 3 warning shots is ill-disciplined. It would make more sense generally if Drew had shot the gun at the encroaching stranger just for them to disappear, and then Laura is irritated or shocked by the loud sound of the gun going off, since the police are still looking for them.

8) I like that Polly is outwardly seen as a monstrosity, I think we could lean into this, with gore and more intensity, I as a reader feel that we can lean into the body horror, potentially her mask slips off when shes fighting drew and he gets scared, and we see how warped her face is, and what kind of weirdness is under the mask.

9) Additionally I think theres a strong tonal shift in when she talks to her cousin that takes you out of the immersion of spookiness. I think we could keep the spooky feeling going, perhaps she and her cousin live in an abandoned house with barely any water or electricity to get by.

10) I think Polly is a bit too trusting of a character, why would she assume that this person has good interests when there seems to be a bit of a distrust of her? I think some firm characteristics of who she is would help in how she interacts with the world and how the world sees her. For example, instead of allowing the woman to draw her, she is hesitant, and turns away from her and spends more time trying rto hide herself away from the world.

𓋼 Pros 𓋼

1) I think you have a firm basis for a spooky-lite story here. I almost see the Frankenstein-like aspect of your story, and I believe looking at the skeleton of Frankenstein tropes would add a firmness to your story that would not only amplify what you have and provide the necessary structure to your plot points.

2) I think all of the characters feel very unique, and the aspect of a mask could be a really strong point in the horror of removal of self. How can we intertwine her mask (hiding her identity and not being herself) into the story?

𓋼 Areas of Improvement 𓋼

1) I believe there needs to be a simplification of the plot points of the story could help in the experience of the reader. Past the first chapter I found that I still didnt understand why Polly was doing what she was doing, and her motivations, this was especially true as I thought Laura was the main character and I was almost disappointed to see her go as I thought we going to explore more of her criminal empire

2) There are few grammatical errors between past and present tense, I would just be mindful of that!

3) I would also significantly dial down the dialogue, as I feel that some things could be shown not told to me, an example being that instead of Laura telling Drew that he can do warning shots, I as a reader would rather he shoot and it's told through his actions how he acts as opposed to being told or given permission by another character if that makes sense! This also makes the dialogue more purposeful.  

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.