Lost in Storm

2

Dad,
 
Life is too short to complain. I dont feel hate or love or anything towards you. I feel everytime I write about you more, i have to think about you more. Its a lot stress than work

Dear dad,
Wish i had a time machine, I could go back to time and see how happy you were when i was born.
Dad, Mumma told me i was a C-section baby. She told me i was supposed to born on 13th of February but she delayed it cause you weren't in country. You were in the overseas working and had big meetings to attend. So then i was born on 16th of February. I see.

You even made us wait (Me and mumma ) even on my birth lol. Ig thats when it started.

Dad,
I wanna know after retirement, is it really that fun being alone in your room just watching news and geography channel or on YouTube learning about places. Is it more fun than people's company?

Guess, why im like that when im disturbed. But does that mean you are disturbed too? Idk dad, how its going with you and others. Idk why you dont even wanna keep connections with people. Why you live so far and distant from your own family, the family you started.

Dad, the day Lisa was living for abroad when you came to our room and hold her. I was sitting close to both of you. Idk dad I couldnt stop crying whereas Lisa too. That day I felt you maybe love us. Maybe you never abled to show us. Maybe this is how you are. Maybe you will change. Maybe so many things arise in my mind.

But what happened everything is back to zero the next morning. You are still the same, the same rock.
That night i also felt that when im gonna move out you will gonna sit next to me this way and hold me. But guess its in my thought only.

Dad and Mom if i got your love that way, trust me I would have never wanted to leave this life where you have everything you need ; maids,drivers,helpers,cars etc.

Mom, you always complain why im always on my phone. When i asked, "what i will do insted of this?"
You replied, "Talk to us, move around, spend time with us" .
Here comes the thing when i want to talk to you guys you were never paying a heed to me. Its not like that im talking when you guys are busy, its just i feel we have a lot gap in between us and you dont feel bothered enough to listen to me. I did try to talk to you guys many times. Not once, but many times.
I tried to make a bond too.

The actual problem is the age gap between me and my parents. I was an accident i know. And you guys didnt have to face that GENZ teen in Lisa's time so yes maybe now its so hard for you guys to adapt with me.

Dear dad,
You know we never hugged. I really wonder how it feels to hug a dad. Even if we hug now surely i will feel uncomfortable enough but I really wanna feel what the other girls feeling. The way their dad hugs them, cries for them, talk to them, feed them with their own hands, calls them, takes them on vacation, having dad-daughter outing and more. I really wonder how it feels to experience it.

Dad, you only calls me when our driver is not picking up your calls. I know that's obviously not for me. But I really wanna ask for the bare minimum to make a call to me and ask how are you? How you doing? Do you need any help?
Maybe i never felt into that situation that will make you to ask me  such questions. But someday i wish i will.

Dad,
This wound cant be fixed or healed. Even if you gave your everything to me now (surely you will not) still their gonna remain some part unhealed. You just have to forgive and forget that. In case of 20% its easy but for me its 99% dad.

This whole absence can lead to so much that i never expected. Now whenever i look into your eyes i just feel questioned. Your eyes are just so ugly dad. I have never seen something so ugly and bad. Thats what my inner child feels.

After all this, we are humans. We gonna make mistakes at some point of our lives. So yes dad. I forgive you. Dad forgive me too. Maybe we don't have a bond but i seek for one. Thanks dad.

Lets just end this here