What's My Place in All This?

Chapter 10

A million questions keep me awake all night and in the morning, I get up and put on a gi to go train. I can't think of anything but my quiz last night. I'm not gay.

My dad would hate me. He would disown me. He always talks about Sam growing up and having a husband and me growing up and having a wife. He only talks about me with a girl. A girl. Not a boy. Not Kenny. And I can't like Kenny. He's my best friend. He would hate me if he knew.

But the more I think of it, the more it makes sense. I'm gay. And I like Kenny. I like the way he looks at me. I like his hands. I like his voice. I like looking into his eyes. I like his humor. I like everything about him. I can't imagine my life without him. I'm gonna tell him. Today.

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I walk into Cobra Kai and go over to Kenny right away.

"Kenny, can we talk?" I say to the boy, who's chatting with Tory and Devon. He looks at me and nods.

"Uh...In private." I say. Kenny tilts his head but follows me to the locker rooms. I gulp as butterflies appear in my stomach.

"I uh...You're my best friend Kenny." I start.

"And you're mine too Ant." I blush at the nickname.

"Kenny I- ...I think uh....well I took a quiz last night cause I've been feeling weird and uh...Kenny I think I'm...gay." I put my hands in my pockets.

"Oh." He responds.

"And I like you. A lot. You're always there for me and you're always on my side and-" Kenny cuts me off.

"I don't like you like that." I look up at him.

"And I think it's best if...maybe we distance ourselves for a bit." The butterflies in my stomach turn into spiders. Big, hairy spiders. They bite at my organs and crawl up my throat. Kenny walks out of the locker rooms just as the spider reaches my mouth. And this time I can't gulp it down. The lump. The lump of everything I wanna say but I just can't. It crawls up, and I puke all over the floors of the locker room with tears falling out my eyes and down my cheeks. I clench my chest with my hand as more and more and more spiders come crawling up, all trying to get out. And I cry. And puke. And cry. And puke. Until there's no more spiders in my body. And that's it. They're all out.

I let my body flop to the floor. I still need to cry, but nothing comes out. No tears. No words. Nothing. Just empty breaths.

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"Anthony, we need to talk." I'm laying in my bed, still worn out from all the crying and puking at Cobra Kai. I managed to walk home but I can't get up anymore. Kenny's words keep replying in my head like a broken cassette tape.

'I don't like you like that. And I think it's best if maybe we distance ourselves for a bit.'

'I don't like you like that. And I think it's best if maybe we distance ourselves for a bit.'

'I don't like you like that. And I think it's best if maybe we distance ourselves for a bit.'

'I don't like you like that. And I think it's best if maybe we distance ourselves for a bit.'

Each time it hurts more and more.

I don't look at my dad. I just stare at the ceiling. He sits on the edge of my bed.

"You joined Cobra Kai." Now I look at him. He knows? How does he know? Who told him?

"You joined it. And you told Silver everything about our family. You ratted out our plans. You put us in serious danger." He keeps talking. It only now hits me. I've actually done all that. Just cause I was mad. It's not my father never talking to me, It's me never talking to him.

He has asked me about school. He has asked me about my life. He has asked me if I wanted to go fishing or play catch with him. It's me that ignores him. It's me that rebels against him. It's always been me.

"I-" I try to speak, but now that all my spiders are out, I have no words. No reason for why I did anything I did. Why did I do it? My dads expression drops. He doesn't look angry, or sad, or anything.

Then he stands up, looks me in the eyes, shakes his head, and says only one thing before walking out of my room. The one thing that I fear the most.

"You're not my son."