A long story short

Ikigai

Hanako Kanashimi
"Flower Child, Sorrow"
~~~

What's usually your reason to live?
The reason you get up in the morning?
I have none.
~~~

• Recording •

"Hello,"

"I'm hanako, I wanna record all the things I wanna say before leaving."

"I know that whoever will watch this wouldn't care about what I say or do. But, I do hope that there are some who'll at least listen to me for the last time."

"I lived a boring life."

"My parents gave me nothing but abuse, I gave them nothing but bad luck."

"And in my life, I received nothing but sadness. My life is empty, blunt, and numb. The only thing that kept me feel like living is my father's beating and my mother's verbal hatred towards me."

"Whilst hurting, it maked me feel like a human despite feeling like nothing."

"I thought it was just me who felt like this. I thought I was the only one who feel like unalive."

"Until I met him."

"We both feel sadness and that sadness led us to caring for each other."

"I never thought that someone could call my name in such a soothing and easing tone."

"We runaway together from our family."

"We lived, we pretend to be in love. After all, people feel alive because of love."

"But, just recently. Amane-kun died."

"He told me,"

'Hana-chan, I hate you.'

"I believed it. After all, we were never in love. I've never felt an ounce of love between us. But, it didn't made me broken."

"It made me happy."

"I'm fine with him hating me, it doesn't bother me one a bit. 'cause, the opposite of love is not caring not hatred."

'I hate that I care for you but I also hate that I don't love you.'

"Those were amane-kun's last word."

"I watched him jump on the bridge with a wide smile yet his eyes were empty like a broken shattered glass. I can see my reflection in his eyes being dull."

"The sun shines at us yet there's no color."

"I cared for him as well."

"That's why, today his 1st death anniversary. I wanna be with him."

"For the past year, he was the reason for my eyes to open. He cooks me delicious food, we go for a walk every morning, and he held my hand's softly."

"Every night, in desperation to feel alive. We'll make love, he'd hugged me gently like a broken child flower I am."

"But, even making love sieve through our hollow hearts that's full of hole."

"Those love drowned in our void."

"I also hate that I don't love him."

"After he died last year, I tried my best for the whole year to be a different person. I wanna forget about him, I wanna not care."

"But, it hurts. It hurts me so much 'cause he's the only person who actually made me felt alive for a short period of time."

"Even though I don't feel anything, I felt like living."

"After all, there's no specific reason to live."

"You don't need a reason for everything."

"I care for amane-kun 'cause I care for him, not because I love him. Not because he shower me with care that the world couldn't give me."

"I care because I chose to care."

"Today, I wanna say 'why?'

"Why would he create me but not gave me feelings. I wanna love, I wanna be loved."

"I wanna feel something, I don't want to feel nothing."

"Why am I just sieving the feelings people gave me? Breaking them down, leaving them to nothing after."

"I wanna feel happy, sad, angry, jealous, love, and hate."

"I wanna be human not because I'm hurting. I wanna be human because I'm giving others my feelings."

"Sorry, I must be sounding really confusing."

"I just really wanna say, I hoped I asked for help. I hope me and amane-kun could still be acquaintances."

"I hoped in another life, we'll be friend and feel every feelings."

"I said a lot,"

"Eh? Wh-why am I crying . . ?"

"This is my first time to cry and to talk a lot."

"Well, good bye."

• End •

Amane Nikushimi
"Heavenly Sound, Hate"

1997–2017

2002–2018