Are you my destiny

I lost Natalie

•~•~•

November 1988 ..

How can the days pass faster than my heart beats, I still remember before three years,
I thought I found love .. I thought ..
All these three years I feel pathetic, cause I'm still lost between his warm lips, but I couldn't hold him in my desperate heart for long ..
I thought he was my life, but his thorns began to enter my ribs slowly every time I wrap my arms around his cold body..
So how can I keep him when I feel all this pain?

"Am I searching for something I can't reach?!"

Autumn feels messed up just like my thoughts but I have to hold myself together and start my new life in university..

So many people and I'm already choking from this crowded room, I took a seat next to the window to look outside and get lost in my thoughts once again, but I couldn't focus from all the noise around me so I got anxious and
I found myself playing with the pen faster and faster with every time they get louder until the pen fell from my fingers, I turned around to catch it but I saw something that made my eyes shine and everything got quiet around me ..

"Natalie .."

Cold white skin just like the vampires, dark long hair but soft like silk, empty eyes just like my empty thoughts when I saw her, warm voice plays just like the violin on my heart..

she never noticed me but I couldn't take my eyes off her, I wanted to get close to her so badly, so I did everything to get her attention but nothing worked until one day we had small party, I saw her sitting alone watching the others with same empty eyes, so I went and sat next to her and said :

"How boring this place is"
She smiled and said ..
-I can't disagree with you.
"Hmm, so do you think their conversation is worth listening?!"
-Honestly?! It's a waste of time, nothing makes sense with these kids here.

I just smiled and got quiet while I was praying deep inside that the time stops and I keep on talking to her, but she looked at me with her warm smile and went outside with her friends

Days passing perfectly this time cause I'm getting closer and closer to her and feeling happy..

"I'm smiling again after three years.."

Am I falling for Natalie ..?!
Yes I convinced myself that I'm in love with her and acted like this towards her until I saw in her eyes pain and sadness..

"Natalie .. am I hurting you with my feelings?"
-How many times I should say that you don't hurt me my little bee hmm!
"Be honest .. I can see what's inside those eyes Natalie, I know you don't feel the same ..
I know we talked about this thousands of times and I know you said you don't mind my feelings towards you but .. but Natalie I never saw you sad like now and it's all because of me ..
- please stop .. I can't handle all this, I tried to feel the same for you but I failed and couldn't picture you more than my friend.. and yes your feelings hurting me.

"I .. I never thought those pure feelings of love would ever hurt someone"

The way she said her last four words had me wishing I was gone .. my heart is shattered
I can't hold my tears longer so I left but everything felt so heavy at this moment suddenly, the ground felt like one year of walking away from her, in fact it was only 10 minutes but after this day I decided to get away from her so I don't hurt her and hoping to see peace in her eyes..

"But how can I live without you
my blue butterfly.."

I was sitting alone until Natalie came standing in front of me and her empty eyes staring into my hopeless eyes, she said her words with anger voice:
-How long are you planning to run away from this?
"I'm trying my best to see you happy"
-by distancing yourself from me?!!
"Natalie I.."
-Shut up please, with every word you spill, you make another disaster, but all you should know is that I won't let you do this to me, I'll keep you close to me cause I can't lose you ..

I couldn't help myself more so I pulled her close and hugged her so tight like it was the last time I hug her, my throat was hurting but all I said while my tears falling like a river :

"Please don't give up on me .. please"

After this day I understood that my feelings were wrong and messed up between forgetting my first love and the need of warm company.

Natalie was more like a mother for me, she always took care of me and looked after me, she always forgives me when I hurt her,she helped me to move on forward and carry new hope in my heart so we were always together.

Mars 1990 ..

My family was always telling me stories about a woman called "lilith" whose half snake and half woman, they were saying this woman can seduce anyone and control them until she takes all her needs from them..

Funny that I fall for a real version of Lilith in my life but in a body of a boy..

He destroyed every single part in me till he made me lose Natalie and leave her ..

"Natalie ..
Did I really lost you this time"

To be continued ..