Almost

The First Look

I remember the first time my eyes caught yours, the rush of adrenaline that I felt. There was no doubt that we didn't like each other. You could just tell from the stolen glances across the room and the smiles that we shared whenever we looked down at the messages from each other. If I had known what it would have brought me months down the road later, I would have never smiled at you. 

October  2023

I feel a vibration from the phone in my pocket and a quiet ding follows. Pulling it out, I look down at my screen to see a text from my parents. It was my first day on the floor at my new job and I was so nervous that anyone looking at me could tell. 

"Good luck on your first day" the text read. I couldn't help but smile, because they were always supportive of me. 

I hear my boss coming down the stairs so I shove my phone in my back pocket and look up at her, trying my best to hide how nervous I am. She gives me a soft smile as she catches my gaze, Amy always had that soft presence about her no matter what was going on. The world could be on fire and she would still be smiling through it. 

I watch her intently as she describes the process of opening up the bins and printing the labels for the bags, not wanting to miss a single thing. I had fully expected to be shadowing someone before I would be let loose, but I guess Amy was thinking differently. Everything she told me seemed easy enough, now to just remember it all throughout the night. I had never been in a management position before and here I was, a part time supervisor at the age of 21. It wasn't my first time being in charge of something quite big, I had just left my job as a teacher at a private school so I was familiar with being responsible of someone, but nothing on this scale, of course. 

She gives me another smile and a thumbs up as she leaves me all by myself. I calm myself down by wiping my hands on my jeans and start opening up the bins like she had shown me. Halfway through opening them, I run into what I would soon find out is a tender, he introduces himself as James. We exchange the normal introductions that you do whenever you meet someone new and he leaves me to go up to what I could only guess was his spot for the night. 

I continue opening the rest of the bins, after a few minutes I have them all opened up and ready to go. I was busy getting the lane ready that I didn't notice the two guys who had shown up on the lane. They looked at me and exchanged a glance at each other, I knew that the glances were because they didn't know who this girl was that was all of a sudden in charge. I hype myself up a little bit before walking over to them. 

The guy on the right is a little heavier set, he has on a blue shirt and grey sweatpants on. He looks at me behind his glasses and I can't tell if he likes or hates me by his look that he's giving me. The guy on the left is much taller and skinnier than the other, he has a head full of brown curly hair and a beard of the same color. He's in a similar outfit with grey sweatpants and a dark navy shirt. The one thing I notice that is the same with the both of them is the boots that we are required to wear, but other than that they could not be more different. 

"Hi, my name is Kayla. I'm your supervisor on this lane for today I guess," I say to the both of them. I give them a smile to kind of show them that I'm a relaxed person and not a nervous wreck like I was on the inside. "Umm I don't know where you guys normally work so if you could tell me that would be awesome. I also don't know your names either." 

"My name is Matthew," the guy on the left is the first one to speak. "This is Nate." He points to the  other guy and he gives me a slight wave. 

"Nice to meet you guys," I say to them, still with a smile on my face. 

"I work on the far side and he works in the middle." Matthew points to the side of the lane that is farthest from us. I just nod, because I'm not sure what else to say. 

"Cool, well if you guys need anything just let me know." I say before leaving them to their own stuff. 

Flash Forward 

"I can't keep doing this," I say to him as we sit in the darkness of this car together in silence. 

He doesn't say anything, but I can tell that he wants to say a lot. That's the thing with him, I can tell that he wants to say all these things but then never does and I wish he would just open up to me. I wouldn't be here, begging for him to tell me what he wants if he would just open up. 

"I am tired of making a fool of myself Matthew. You have to make a decision now, it's me or her." I look at him with all the seriousness in the world. The breathing had stopped between us and the silence was roaring. I knew what he was thinking, I could see the wheels turning in his head as he stared back at me. I knew what he was going to say before he ever opened his mouth, but I needed to hear him say it. 

"I don't know Kayla. I don't know what you want me to tell you." 

My heart breaks for the millionth time as I hear him say those words. They had become so normal now that I just lean back in my seat and look away. We have had this conversation a thousand times over the past six months and each time it never went anywhere. Each time I would say I'm done, but the next day I would be exactly where it all started. There was something about him that I couldn't bring myself to end it all even though he was destroying me piece by piece the longer I held on. 

I look back at him, catching his stare. I so badly wanted him to pick me, but no matter how hard I tried, it was never going to happen. So, now came the choice to walk away for the final time or to stay because I'm afraid of losing him...