BREAKING TROUGH | RECOVERY JOURNAL

First thoughts

There is just so much what has happend and what is going on. I don't even know where to start and why I'm writing in english because it's not my native language. It just started to come out in english, so here we are. This Wattpad project is part of my healing process. I got the diagnose of depression last year but Im fighting back. I'm little bit suprised how mentally strong I am. I still suffer from tiredness and lack of energy. The thing is, there is so much work to do, that it seems inbossible.

About seven years ago when I lived in big city about two hours away from my original home town and I really started to noticed how disapointing life were. Work, freetime, sleep and repeat. That's how it works. Or so our parents told us and raced us. From monday to friday, from nine to five. Even though it's already 2024 and tecnology has chance so much around us. And now days you are so tired from your work, that you cant or you dont want to do anything else for that matter. The society has change so much. General development has open up so many possibilities in work. Society / popular culture gives you the idea of perfect life. If you don't have it you fail. That's the unspoken message what they try to sell you. Back then I started to noticed that I have carried heavy rock mountain on my shoulders a while now and still -I was thinking this is normal life. Im just not good enough. Get that in your head. That was one of the things I said to myself. First thing what helped was different motivation speeches from youtube or spotify and that was only the beginning. I end up beeing out of job, again and I couldnt afford of anything else than common bills, rent and food. Jobs that I get was gigs here and there. Low salary, toxic workplaces. It feels like those jobs that had real holidays, real benefits from the company, real salary was from another life and ultimate universe.

Even though I had friends in this new town and that time I really wanted to moved there, I left my closest friends and my family to my hometown. Part of me was missing them so much but I had to turn this page because I was going crazy. I moved from a two-bedroom apartment to a studio, and the feeling was mixed. I had all the opportunities of a big city at my fingertips, but my mood didn't improve. The bubble was waiting to burst. I found myself in another toxic workplace. However, there was something different about this job. Although my supervisor was the worst, I fell in love with the actual work and job description. I fell in love with how, on one day, I could peacefully do inventory, bookkeeping, and pack outgoing products, and the next day I could interact with customers who came to buy products from me. I never had to push sales; customers wanted to come to me on their own. I also loved setting up and taking down the sales booth, as well as driving to the sales location. When I was well-prepared with the right tools for a sales trip, everything went smoothly.

The actual bubble in my mental health burst years after I had moved back to my home town. I once again have disapointed big time with job interwiev and I made it to local hospital because I was so exhauted mentally that it started there and then. I lost opportunity to two of my dream jobs I started to cry and figuratively, I cried for six months until there were no tears left. People who comfort me about job interwiev and how they didnt get jobs started to get jobs, even though they always said how difficult it was. Only different was that I was stuck and everyone moved on.

Even though my journey sound shorter than many others, there was much more in the backround. Doctor said that I have symptoms showing already many years earlier but I didnt understand that back then. I was so fed up in society, unemployment office and those rules, how you can't earn money if you have no jobs, while searcing for jobs.

Or then working for money in some job that I hate with a shitty paycheck and missing all the fun stuff which would make living worthwhile. That was my nightmare and I was living it.

I didnt like beeing unemployed. I like to work and when I got the climbs of jobs that I really liked I didnt get any change to do it right. I had to do it very bad way, because there was always somebody above me who said how it's done. Even though I did it easier, faster and more effective way. But because the protocol and maybe it was very hard to take ideas of the new guy. She might be better than me.

So you see, my mental healt is about who em I? And what I should do with my life? My friends have said many times, that you are so entrepreneur and that's true. I want to be one, but to start I need help. And I mean that I need like a babysitter, personal trainer or somebody who is like supervisor but on the same page with me and that who is pushing me towards my goals and because I have this rock mountain on my soulders, it's harder than should be.