To The One Who Has Lived Before

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to the child inside the adult

I've finally done it, my dear. We've done it, because if you were not who you were, I could not be who I am, and it may never have happened. I do not want to fathom a universe where I could live the way I have been living for longer than necessary -- I am simply grateful that I live in this universe, on this plane, with you in my body.

Sweet girl, I have been carrying your anguish for so long -- the guilt that peeled off the layers of your chest and sat dead in the pit of your stomach, burning with dread...the misery of living with everything you could ever want but nothing you really needed -- and I have also grown weary of this burden. I am deeply sorry that you had to drag this pain with you, that it was chained to your ankle and it followed you like a heavy shadow everywhere you went. I know how painful it was to leave your body and watch the way she treated you, yet still less painful than being in your body to experience it.

I'm taking you to live with me, my boyfriend and his roommate. You are no longer going to live in the shadows of your family, your pain and your sorrow. That is no longer your home. Your home is with me, in the sunshine. Your home is clean air, fresh laundry, love buzzing over a hot fire, sizzling in oil. Your home is warm and comforting and cares for you. Your home is with me. And I will treat you with the love you deserve.

There is no need to feel guilt. No need for shame. You are not abandoning anyone. It is not your fault. See, the woman you have grown into is an adult with free will and the ability to do anything that she wants. And she has come back for you -- she came back because she loves you and because she knows you're hurting and she wants to take you somewhere safe.

I've come back, darling. And I will raise you to be the finest young woman, inside and out. I will be with you every step of the way. I know it feels like you are not loved. But the woman who has grown up remembers you. And she loves you.

the one who lives now