Ataraxia 平静 | Gojo Satoru

-'๑'-𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒𝟎-'๑'-

The rush of hot, foamy water made Gojo flinch, a sharp gasp slicing through his steady breathing.

"You're a wicked little prick, you know that?" he growled, turning his head to glare at me.

A playful smirk tugged at my lips. "It wasn't even cold water, stop being so dramatic," I drawled, failing to feign indifference.

Maybe I had poured it a bit too roughly. Just maybe.

His stare didn't waver, so I shoved his face with a roll of my eyes. "I should've dunked your head in the snow instead."

I shouldn't have attempted to stand up, shouldn't have pushed off the ridge of the pool. Because the second I did, my ankles were swiped clean out from under me, sending me headfirst into the heated spring.

My gasp for air was anything but graceful, sounding more like a sputtering fish than anything. Clumsily, I grappled for the edge of the pool, only for my fingers to brush against his skin instead.

His hand closed around mine, steadying me as I blinked water from my eyes. Gojo's smirk was infuriatingly smug, his blue eyes dancing with mischief.

"Serves you right," he chuckled, his grip tightening briefly before he let go.

I splashed water in his direction, my annoyance bubbling up. "You're insufferable."

"And yet, you can't seem to stay away," he retorted, his tone light and teasing.

I rolled my eyes, but a smile tugged at my lips despite myself. "Maybe I just enjoy the challenge."

For a moment, his gaze softened, the playful banter giving way to something deeper. "Or maybe you just enjoy my company."

I opened my mouth to retort, but the words caught in my throat. The truth in his statement was disarming, a revelation I almost dreaded.

He reached out, brushing a strand of wet hair from my face. "Something's been bothering me for a while now," he said softly, breaking the silence.

The tenderness of the gesture warmed my skin, but I managed to keep my eyes locked on his, nodding for him to continue.

"You told me once that I had left you," he began, and my chest ached. "After Rei's death, I believed distance was what you wanted—what you needed. But now, I can't help but feel like I've made a mistake."

My throat went dry at the memory of that day, the roil of pain that came with it. "I. . . have said plenty that I didn't mean. You know that better than anyone. If I felt abandoned, it was because. . ." I sighed, taking a long time to continue. "It was because I abandoned myself. I became an empty husk, wouldn't allow myself to see beyond the rage. The guilt. Even the mere thought of someone caring made my stomach turn."

I dropped my head, watching the droplets of water linger on his defined collarbones. "You did—and it scared the living shit out of me. Letting people in, letting you in. The damage you could do. The damage you would find. . . after everything, I just. . . couldn't."

He swallowed once. "You hated me."

"I never hated you," my eyes shot upward, brimming with regret. "I never hated you," I whispered again. "I tried to. . . but I just couldn't look you in the eye anymore. The others, they. . . they weren't there. They didn't see it. Live it. For years I would close my eyes and watch her collapse. Wither away. And sometimes her face would be your face. And it was your skin tearing, your eyes dimming, your heart being ripped away—"

"I'm here," he gently brushed a thumb over my cheekbone. Then he lifted my chin so that I would face him again; waited for me to continue.

"I tried to hate you, so that I wouldn't feel so afraid. More than anything, I was afraid. Afraid of losing someone I. . . cared for again," I hesitated, drawing in a steadying breath. "So much that I refused to feel anything at all."