Water on the Moon

Chapter 15 - The Something Else

I decide to hide out in the basement in the most unfrequented hallway in the building. I head that way and set up camp in a secret alcove adjacent to a janitor's closet. I've only come to this secluded spot a few times prior but I've walked by it many times, and rarely have I seen another person, if ever. The only person I maybe would see would be a janitor restocking the closet.

Sitting against the wall with my legs stretched out on the floor in front of me, I scroll and swipe through my phone haphazardly, too anxious to focus on doing even one task. One game to the next, to social media, to the internet, to my empty text messages and email inbox, and then back to the first game, I don't spend more than thirty seconds in one app before closing it and opening the next one.

Thinking about every word I said to Briggs and repeating it in my head, I play out what I should've said differently. Holding on to every syllable that left my lips, I wonder what Briggs thinks. I didn't tell him anything he doesn't already know. At least not yet. Soon I will. Maybe.

Oh god.

I look down at my hands. My fingernails are short and jagged from picking at them. I don't bite them because I don't want to ruin my teeth, the only thing I like about myself. The skin around my nails is red and scabbed from ripping off my hangnails. Is this self harm and I'm not even realizing it?

If I did tell Briggs, what would he think?

Who cares what he thinks, this isn't about him. Who cares what anyone thinks, I say to myself trying to make it easier. It doesn't work.

He said I have nothing to lose. He's wrong.

He said keeping it in to myself wasn't working. I can see what he's saying.

I decide I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna tell him, I have to anyway. If I don't, he'll report.

Wait. If I do tell him, I realize, will he have to report me then, because I'm a 'danger to myself'? What does "report" even mean? He'll tell the counsellor first probably, then the counsellor will call home, or the hospital? Maybe I'll tell him about my issues with food and my weight instead. No. He won't believe me, I'm not skinny enough. Yet. What else is there to tell him?

Should I lie?

What if I tell him the truth and he doesn't report me, I could be okay with that. But what if I end up in the hospital? Would it really be so bad? At this rate, if I keep declining I'll end up dead. Now that wouldn't be so bad. But maybe there is hope to get better. Maybe the hospital is the best place to start. But what if I get committed and miss the rest of basketball season? Fuck. I can't risk that.

I decide to tell him the truth but downplay it. Basketball is my life right now and if I lose that I have nothing.

The bell rings. Time for seventh period, the last class of the day. I close my eyes and take in the last moments I have before having to get to class. I really don't want to do this. But I have to.

Word travels fast. Everyone is looking at me in the hallway and whispering as I walk by. After the fight I got in with Josh everyone seems to have something to say.

Say it to my face you fuckers, I want to scream at them. I don't. I don't need any more drama or attention. Plus, Kearney said one more bad situation and there will be consequences.

In class, I can't focus. Not even if I tried. Five minutes into class and the phone rings. I feel sick to my stomach. The teacher answers. False alarm, it's not for me but the next one will probably be.

I sit at my desk scribbling in my notebook. Teachers have stopped calling on me to answer, they know I'm not paying attention. I write my name at the top of the page in fancy cursive bubble letters.