Tw: self harm/ ed
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009.
She woke up in the middle of her bathroom floor, she stands up, suddenly she starts coughing and blood drips from her mouth into the porcelain sink, she looks in the mirror. "I look like shit." She mumbles and turns on the shower. She undresses and gets in the shower, letting the hot water run down her water, she squirts some conditioner in her hair then rubs it into her hair. After 5 minutes she rinses It and grabs a wash cloth and a bar of soap and froths it on the cloth then washed her body and gets out of the shower.
She dries her body and goes to her room, she grabs a black sweater from her dresser and a pair of black trousers, and gets dressed. Her cat circles around her feet. "Hi, baby." She says as she kneels down and pets her. She grabs two socks from her drawer, one rainbow striped, the other just blue, both long. She pulls the socks on and puts on her high top black converse.
She feeds her cat then grabs her purse, keys, phone, badge, gun, and walks outside and down the stairs, she walks down the street about a block to the bus station and gets on. She gets to work and everyone is called to the conference room for a case.
"The unsub is kidnapping blonde women in between 25-30 and burning them to death." JJ begins talking about the case, after she's finished everyone goes to the jet
Derek is sitting by JJ, Spencer by hotch, Rossi across from him, Emily sitting next to Lorraine, everyone talking about the case.
They arrive at the local PD, scouring, looking, investigating, profiling. They figure out who the unsub is, but he already has another victim.
They find where he took her, they have the building surrounded, but he sets it on fire, Lorraine slips away from everyone, running into the building.
"Put your hands in the air!" She shouts at the unsub, he raises his gun and she shoots him, she unties the victim and helps her out, but a wooden beam on fire falls in front of the door, she kicks part of a window and helps the girl out. "Go! Go! I'll find another way out." Lorraine says while coughing because of the smoke.
She passes out.
She wakes up 17 hours later in a hospital bed, Emily and Reid sitting by her side.
"Jesus. You scared us." Emily says as she gently squeezes her hand.
"Is she okay?" Lorraine asks in a hoarse voice.
"What?" Emily asks.
"Did the girl make it out?"
"Yeah, she'll be alright. How are you feeling?"
"M'fine."
"Hotch wants to talk to you whenever you're better, you'll probably have to take medical leave."
Lorraine nods slightly before falling back asleep.
The next day she is dismissed from the hospital and goes straight to her apartment. She opens her phone and sees 4 misses calls from hotch, 10 from Penelope, 1 from Emily, 2 from Derek, 0 from JJ and Reid.
She climbs into her bed and throws her phone across the room, coughing a lot, she falls asleep again.
She wakes up roughly 5 hours later and checks the time, 7am, she can still make it on time to work if she rushes.
She gets dressed and makes two pieces of toast for breakfast then heads to work, she can't even sit at her desk before hotch asked her to his office.
"You should be home resting." Hotch says.
"We have more important things to do, hotch." She says.
"We've got it covered. But I'm also glad you came in today, we need to discuss what happened yesterday." Hotch says.
"There's nothing to discuss, there was a girl in danger and I saved her, that's all." Lorraine recalled.
"You went into a burning building with no backup, it was reckless and against protocol." Hotch rebuked.
"Everything I'm doing here is against protocol, are you seriously telling me that you typically hire people like me as agents, sir?" Lorraine contested.
"I'd mind how you speak to me, miss Palmer. It doesn't matter why you're here, or what brought you here, I'm still your superior and I expect you to respect me. Do I make myself clear?" Hotch berated.
"Crystal clear, sir. I'll go home and get that rest now." She said with a clenched jaw.
She goes back to her apartment, and drops her bag on the floor, it's cold in her apartment, and silent. She goes to the bathroom and sits on the edge of the tub, she rolls up her sleeves, and opens the cabinet. She suddenly stops. What the fuck is she thinking??
After months, almost a year, she fails. She slams the cabinet shut, refusing to give in to the urge, she glances at the scars on her wrist, knowing it's likely that they'll never fade, she's 29, with the scars of her youth, she feels sick to her stomach remembering the feeling of the blade dragging across her wrist, why would she do that to herself?
Sometimes there is no why, you just have to do what you do to survive, but she wasn't living, surviving is the bare minimum. What would her mother say if she found out she was thinking about cutting again? How much of a disappointment she is? How angry she is? Was she even thinking about how it would affect everyone she knows? Her sister is only 5 with few memories of her, did she even care about her sister remembering her if it went wrong? She didn't want to die, she just wanted to breathe without feeling a thousand bricks crushing her shoulders, the weight of the world, all eyes on her, one screw-up and her whole life collapses. She'll blow her cover if she relapses.
Her cat meows outside the bathroom door, she opens the door and picks her up, petting her soft multicolored fur, it felt like she was drowning, the only stable thing in her life was a cat, a single cat. How pathetic. Who was she kidding? She's doomed.
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Word count 1033.
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Once more to see you
FanfictionLorraine Palmer joined the FBI as a 29 year old fresh out of the Marines, she had always known she was "different" not like typical people, she never fantasized about boys, she never even fantasized about her future, she didn't think she'd make it p...
