Lessons

18. for some reason

You learn a lot about a person just by spending time with them in the car. I learned that Caine liked music, mostly classical, jazz, blues, R&B. He liked the smell of green tea so much that he freshened his car with it. I assume he often works in his car as well, pens littered the cup holders. Some of this reinforced things that I already knew, but a lot wasn't. It was oddly humanizing in a way. I knew that Caine was a person outside what I mostly knew as Professor Mays, but it was another thing to see at work. As we drove, he silently kept his eyes fixed on the road. I had resigned myself to the comforting music and dark shadows passing outside my window.

"I'm surprised you're still awake. I'd definitely be asleep right now," he smirked.

"That's definitely reassuring to hear from someone driving a car," I grinned.

"I'm such a safe driver, I assure you, I just meant that after such a long and draining day, you'd be exhausted. I usually am. I guess I've gotten used to it. It's just what I need to do, y'know?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't make it any easier, does it? Hopefully, tonight is a nice change."

I nodded, as my eyes began to fall. It wasn't late, barely past 7. But as I hadn't slept well these past few days, I was overdue for some quality rest. Caine caught me nodding off in his peripheral.

"I guess you are tired."

I stir in my seat, "I'm usually not. I've just had a long couple of days. You should know, you were there for most of them.."

"Oh, I'm aware. Especially those days mostly concerning Drew. Quite relentless, and quite annoying might I add."

"Please, their little tantrums don't bother me anymore. I just don't give it any of my energy."

"Which is probably for the best," he chuckled, "Although I do wonder, what's going on between you two?"

"They're just...an old friend of mine."

"Well then, that begs the question of why the two of you had a falling out."

I glance up at Caine, "You sure you want to open that can of worms?"

He nodded assuredly.

"Alright."
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Middle school was rough on me. From the moment that I sat at my desk that first day, I knew from the energy in the room that I was out of place. People say that high schoolers are the meanest people on Earth. I disagree. I believe that the meanest people on Earth are your middle school bullies.

I wasn't as put together then. My hair was frizzy, my fashions were mediocre, and my temper was short. Basically, I was a basket case. Most days, my best friend was me, and I found myself sitting in a bathroom stall with a fluffernutter sandwich. Until one day, a new student joined our ranks. At first, I didn't pay them any mind. I was sure they wouldn't pay me any mind. Later that week, however, I was making my way out of the lunchroom when I heard someone calling after me.

"Hey!" I turned and saw a short blonde in a rainbow skirt standing behind me.

I looked them up and down, "What's with the skirt?"

They looked offended, "It's a kilt."

"Kilts aren't often rainbow-colored."

"Well, you see something new every day, don't you?"

We stared in silence for a moment before they spoke, "So, can I sit with you?"

"Why?" I replied in confusion.

"Well, you look lonely," they said. "I'm still trying to meet new people. Figured we could help each other."

I figured that they were funny and seemed nice enough. And I wasn't exactly in the position to be rejecting potential friends. Needless to say, they sat, we chatted, and I found myself a new friend. After that day, we were inseparable. Drew was my best friend way before they ever became my lover. As indifferent as we are to each other now, it isn't very clear.

A few years later, I think it was our freshman year, we went to some party. I remember easing by a countertop, talking to this guy, Ashton Landor. I'd had a crush on him for a couple of months, and I decided I was just drunk and confident enough to talk to him. His eyes sparkled under the fluorescent lights as we spoke about nothing. I could feel eyes that weren't Ashton's burning into the back of my head. I looked behind me and saw Drew hanging onto every word as they clung to the wall, red solo cup in hand. As soon as I turned, they did as well, in the hopes that I would think they weren't listening, but they were very transparent.

"Something wrong?" Ashton asked.

I stammered over my words even in my head, "Y-yeah, I should just...be going soon. It's getting pretty late."

Ashton turned to stand over me, "You wanna 'be going' together?"

Even as I couldn't look away from Ashton, I could feel Drew's burning glare softening, saddening into a mere sting. For some reason, I couldn't allow myself to go home with Ashton. I felt nauseous. My body was heavy. My heart and my breathing became unsteady. All I could do was look up at Ashton and shake my head. He nodded and withdrew. He said he'd "talk to me later" but of course later never came, and I couldn't care less. I walked over to Drew, grabbed their arm, and dragged them out. We found ourselves sitting on the steps leading up to the porch. As I stared at them in my peripheral vision, I could feel that I was burning into them as they burned into me. We were fighting and conceding the first word.

I was the first to break the silence, "What just happened?"

"I don't know," Drew responded, "you were talking to Ashton, I couldn't look away. For some reason, it hurt."

"You remembered his name," I had to feel the fact run over my lips.

"Of course I did, how could I not?" they continued, "You've been talking about him nonstop for the last few months."

"You like me, that's what this is. Isn't it?" I continued to interrogate.

"That's just it. I'm not sure that 'liking you' is fully explaining everything that I feel."

"Well, what else is there? I don't think you hate me, you can't possibly love me, I don't believe that you're indifferent to me."

"I wouldn't rule out love just yet. Just not in the way that you're thinking."

I raised my brow as they went on.

"I think it's multiple facets of one thing. I love you platonically, that I'm sure of. I have loved you from the moment that I saw you in the lunchroom. Romantically, I don't know."

They looked at me, searching my body with their eyes, as if my very being had the answer, "I wonder..."

"You wonder...?"

"I wonder if it's starting to grow."

I chuckled lightly, "You don't know?"

"Does anyone ever know?"

I nodded as my brow furrowed, "Yes, I'd like to think so. People are aware, they know if they love. That's why people get married, isn't it? Because they love each other?"

"Do you love me?" they asked.

"Platonically? Yes, of course I do. Romantically, I'm not sure."

"Do you think you think you could?"

As I sat beside Drew and watched as the moonlight glinted in their hopeful blue-gray eyes, I believed that I could. In their eyes, I saw myself reflected back to me, a vision of myself that was happily in love with my best friend. I liked that, I wanted that. For some reason, I believed that Drew was my answer, and the perfect one at that. I would never be alone, I would never be unhappy, I would be in love. Someday.

I slid a little closer to Drew on those steps, laying my head on their shoulder as we watched the stars shine a little brighter on that perfect, clear night. I had never been in love before, I had never thought about it before that night. But at that moment, it seemed promising, fun, calming even. After all, friendship is the best beginning for a relationship. What would go wrong?