Unfathomable Anguish - The Sequel

Chapter 12: Muscle Memory

I walked after the Potions Master, now made Headmaster, his cloak billowing behind him.

He did not slow his pace despite knowing I was following. I made my steps heavy, I wanted him to hear the anger I was holding.

He entered a deserted classroom, chair and desks littered the room, dust covered every surface. I closed the door behind me as his back faced me, both hands gripping the desk in front of him.

"What the hell!?" I asked, my voice shaking. "Being a Death Eater is one thing, but do you really not care for the children's safety? Have you really no heart?"

His body shook and I heard him take a quick breath. In one quick motion, he threw the desk against the wall, a deep grunt escaping his lips as he did so.

I gaped, taking a cautious step back.

"You know nothing," he hissed slowly, still not facing me. His body continued to shake.

"Then tell me," I offered in a small voice.

He then rounded on me, his eyes wild, his hair dishevelled. "Why are you here?" he asked me again.

Lie, Remus's voice sounded in my head. This was my chance.

"I needed to see you," I told him. "I needed to hear it from you. I - " My voice cracked. I couldn't tell anymore if I was lying.

Snape let out a laugh that didn't really sound like a laugh. "You have the truth. Why are you still here?" His voice sounded rusty, as if he hadn't spoken in days.

I couldn't speak - I felt rooted to the spot, unable to move, unable to talk.

He banged his fist against the desk. "Answer me!"

"I - I don't know why," I spit out. "Why are you so angry?"

He shook his head now. "You imbecile. You are ruining everything. How could you be so foolish?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I am trying," he said. It no longer seemed like he was speaking to me. "I am trying to do what I need to do. And it's killing me. You are killing me." His voice sounded far away. This was not the Severus I knew. His eyes met mine. "Do you understand what it's like?"

"Understand what what's like?"

His eyes closed as he spoke. "To see you everyday in the corridors. To hear your voice. To hear your laugh. Do you know what that's like?"

Yes, because I also have to see you...

His eyes opened slowly. "You being here... it's ruining everything. It's ruining..." His sentence tampered off.

I shook my head as I stared at his feet. "I can leave," I whispered. "I thought..."

"You thought everything would be like it was," he said for me. "It can't be. It can never be. We lived in a fantasy world. Leave, Y/n. Don't ever come back."

I swallowed, a lump had formed in my throat. "If that's what you want."

He laughed. Genuinely laughed. "Since when have you become so docile?"

"Perhaps I always was," I said. "Perhaps my strong-will was also imaginary." I made to step away, to leave him to whatever it was that caused him this much anguish. My thoughts turned to Remus. Then to Mack, and Tonks, Andromeda, Sirius, Dumbledore, Harry. The students. "I can't go," I told him. "I'm not here for you, Severus. Not anymore."

He banged his fist again, harder this time. The dust from the desk floated into the air, particles filling my vision. I held back a cough.

"God dammit, Y/n!" he screamed. "Must you always be so stubborn!? Can you not do as you're told this one time!?" He shouted the words but they came out as a plea. "Do you understand how dangerous this is? How reckless you're being?"

"I don't owe you a damn thing."

"Fuck!" he shouted, the veins in his neck strained, as if fighting something internal.

Before I knew what was happening, he was on me, pinning me between his body and the door. His lips met might aggressively. Our lips worked together, a year of tension built into this moment.

My mouth worked from muscle memory, recalling the exact shape of his mouth. My hands found his chest, recognizing old muscles and finding new ones. His body was more sculpted than I remembered. What had the year done to him?

His hands got tangled into my hair, pulling the locks that came undone from my bun. For a moment our bodies were one. Then the moment ended and his forehead was on mine.

"Why couldn't you just leave?" he breathed heavily.

I pushed at his chest, forcing him back, my senses coming back to me.

"Guess I'm not that docile," I spit out before leaving the room.