This was the day. This was the day that I would tell him. I didn't even know if I had the balls to tell him, honestly, but I knew I would regret it if I didn't. Honestly. I've read enough fanfiction to know that much.
I bit my lip, trying to relax, easing the tension in my back. As I laid back into the couch I noticed how stiff my back really was. I was as rigid as a board. Jesus Christ, could it be any more obvious that I was nervous? As I focused on my breathing, I pulled open my laptop, immediately pulling up my YouTube channel. Our gaming channel, to be specific. This wasn't a rare occurrence, honestly. I spend too much time reading through the comments section.
This was a mistake.
The first comment I saw was from someone who CLEARLY has a blog. Her icon was a picture of Phil and I wearing edited on flower crowns and tattoo sleeves. Interesting. Her comment? "oMG, Phan is real!!! They are SOOOO obvius!!!". Cringing, I shut my laptop, pushing it away from me. My original thought of the Internet distracting me from my thoughts quickly faded, disappearing as it failed itself. I just wish I knew how to-
Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted as a loud noise sounded from the kitchen accompanied by a loud Phil screech. I giggled, my hand immediately flying to my mouth, covering up my smile. "I'm okay!!" I heard Phil shout, his voice slightly muffled. I giggled again.
Bursting into the doorway, Phil, looking flustered, spoke, "I definitely didn't trip over a pan." I smiled, unable to hide it. He was so silly and goofy, like an adorable child. Granted, he was incredibly hot and attractive, but childish none the less. I watched as he sat down next to me, my heart rate accelerating as he did so. "Wanna watch Parasyte?"
"Sure." I muttered, my face reddening slightly. I looked down at my lap, pulling my phone out of my pocket. I could hear Phil turning Netflix on, the familiar tune playing, but I had to focus. Shutting my eyes, I set my phone down on the couch next to me, turning it off.
Opening my eyes, I took a breath. "Hey Phil, can I talk to you about something?" I gulped, biting my lip.
"What?" Phil asked, turning his head towards me. Realizing what I had said, he smiled, nodding. His smile was so stunning. "Sure, uh, go ahead." My heart rate was elevating with every syllable.
"I, uh..." I blushed. He looked at me, cocking his head to the side slightly, his hair falling slightly. He needed a hair cut. Swallowing my own saliva in my nervous state, I continued, "Phil, I-"
Suddenly, his phone rang. "I am SO sorry, Dan!" He exclaimed, his hand already resting on his phone in his pocket. "I hate to do this, but I really have to-" I waved my hand towards the door, allowing him to leave. He smiled, pulling his phone out. "Yeah, hi Louise, what's up?"
He then left the room, leaving me to cringe over my previous actions. Luckily, he wasn't gone long. Popping his head back into the room, he said, "Dan, I'm really sorry, but Louise needs me to come pick her up as soon as possible. She's been mugged and doesn't have any money for the tube. I'm so so sorry. This sounds so awful, but can what you have to say wait?" I nodded, biting my lip. He smiled. "Thank you so much Dan! You're the absolute best. See you in a bit!" And then, he left.
The wait was awful. My original plan was to watch anime until he returned to distract myself failed, so I was forced to wait within my own thoughts. I thought Phil would be back within an hour. However, I was wrong. So wrong, it seems, that I fell asleep while still in the couch.
*****
I was woken up by my phone ringing in my ear, blaring at full volume. Still half asleep, I grabbed at my phone, fumbling to answer it. "Hello?" I asked, my voice low and raspy.
Louise was on the other end. "Dan, you need to get down here. Right now." She hesitated for a moment, her breathing heavy. She sniffled slightly. "It's Phil. He-" I didn't need to hear any more. I was 100% awake.
Following Louise's directions, I made my way towards their location. Suddenly, I heard sirens. And saw the source of those awful noises, the flashing red lights hurting my eyes. My eyes widened as the vehicle moved slightly, allowing me to see the lump of human on the ground covered in disgusting dark red blood. My breath caught, my heart stopped. A tear threatened to slip from my eye as my lip began to quiver. My phone dropped from my hand, hitting the pavement with a smash.
Phil.
I stumbled my way over to the body, fighting the white hot pain I could feel filling my entire body. My chest was so tight, my breaths were thin. I felt as if I was being stabbed in the chest. It hurt so bad it felt numb. I tripped over my own feet as I walked, weakly pushing through the crowds of people surrounding the human lump.
I felt a lump of my own form in my throat as I saw Phil's face, his cold pale skin paler than usual, the only color on his face the dark red blood oozing from the top of his head onto his face. Louise stood behind him, trying to hold back sobs, holding her hands to her mouth. I stood over Phil, barely able to breath.
"No." I managed to push out, my words breathy and weak. He couldn't be. No. No. No no no no no. My arms began to shake. "I-"
It was just them that Louise finally broken, her sobs echoing throughout the confused crowd. She broke down into tears as the police appeared, pulling us away from Phil. I could do nothing except stare at Phil's pale face, contorted in a shocked expression, permanently frozen. The pain was too terrible, I was so numb. Everything was happening so fast. I just wished it could all be one bad dream.
Turns out, it wasn't.
The cops explained that a drunk driver had unknowingly hit Phil. The impact killed him. I cried for hours. Days. Weeks. I didn't know what to do. I hurt so bad. I could barely put it into words. A friend of mine, John Green, a great writer, wrote a wonderful quote which I constantly thought about. "Pain demands to be felt." He was right, and I hated it.
Louise called a few weeks after the accident. "He loved you, you know." She told me. "He wanted to tell you, but he was afraid. Afraid of you pushing him away, I suppose. Figured he would want you to know, even if he couldn't be here with you."
I cried even more. My pillow was wet more often than it was dry. I didn't leave the house. I ignored my upcoming birthday. I felt numb.
*****
"Hello?" Louise called out, knocking on the door. Opening the door, she continued, "Dan?" There was no response. Keeping a strong grip on the birthday cake in her arms, she walked to Dan's door.
Placing her hand on the door knob, she took a deep breath, turning the knob. Suddenly, she gasped, the cake dropping the the floor, the cake going everywhere. "No." She whispered, her lip trembling.
Dan laid limp in the floor, covered in blood. A bloodied blade laid among the trash that littered the floor. Red scars adorned his pale wrists, which had fallen to the floor beside him. His face was stained with tears. Scratches appeared on his once beautiful cheekbones. He was so unhealthily thin, his rib cage easily visible. He was gone.
Louise stepped back. "No, this cannot be happening. No no no no." Her breath was scattered. "No Dan, I can't lose you too."
But he was gone.
A/N: I wrote this on my phone. Don't see why that would be important. Just let that be known.
