Family Secrets

Chapter 2

Hannah Williams, née Levy

Parenthood prepares you for all kinds of situations. Kids constantly come down with different illnesses, injuries, scrapes, bruises, things are shoved up tiny noses, little butts are constipated, and as the years go by, you simply learn to take things in stride. Your recently potty trained toddler suddenly needs the bathroom in the middle of the highway? You handle it. You keep finding dead ants and bugs in your child's pockets? You stop looking in the pockets and with time, you get over it. Tiny rocks from said child's pockets wreck your washing machine? You lose it and yell some. Then you never fail to check the bug graveyard pockets again, no matter how much it creeps you out. Having my boys and raising them has profoundly changed me and has informed the way I approach stressful situations. Where I once would have lost my cool, I now hear myself saying: "Let's all sit down and I'll explain over dinner. Please," I look at Peter and he nods.

Under the table I reach for Christopher's hand, his warmth grounding me and reassuring me, and I am once again overwhelmed by gratitude for this man, who has been my love and my rock for the past 28 years. It is thanks to his unwavering love and devotion that am I now able to sit across from the two people who have harmed me more than anyone else in existence and not be falling apart. On the contrary, I am perfectly fine. I would have recognized Jack anywhere, he still looks like he did almost 29 years ago. His eyes, the same as Cole's, look at me with a mixture of embarrassment and regret. Susan is a blur next to him, I can't bear to look at her. It's not like I blame her more than Jack, I really don't – he was the one with promises to keep, not her. But there is something about a woman willing to go after a man who is taken that just rubs me the wrong way. So I just ignore her – I get the feeling that would be the most offensive thing for her.

The only thing I worry about now are my two boys – Cole, because I will have to tell him that we have seen his good-for-nothing absent father and reopen old wounds, and Peter, because although I would never willingly do anything to ruin his relationship with Ellie, yet I fear that tonight will change it forever. Who'd have thought we'd all be sitting here together, all these years later? But the truth must out. So I take a deep breath, and I start my story.

"Like I said, Ellie, I used to live in Chicago. I was born and raised there actually, and when I was 24, I met your dad. I was a nurse at Mount Sinai, he came to visit a friend who had had surgery, and we just... hit it off. He asked me out immediately, and even waited for my shift to be over to take me for coffee that very day. We started dating soon after, and we were together from... January 1993 to August 1995. We had even gotten engaged in December of '94." I could see Ellie looking from Jack to me, confused, incredulous even.

"Dad, I thought you and mom were college sweethearts?" she asks in a small voice. God only knows what kind of lies they had been feeding her. Jack cleared his throat, looking ashamed. Good.

"Your mom and I grew up together, and we were... together during college, but then we drifted apart for a while there."

Maybe I was an awful person and really petty as well, but I quickly interjected:

"What your father told me was that he and Susan," I still hadn't looked at her at this point, "used to 'hook up' while at college, but that it had never been anything serious on either side. That is how I was able to tolerate their close friendship, especially after they had started working together again. She had been absent for most of our relationship since she had left for a year to work at their office's branch somewhere else, but when she came back, the two of them pooled their family money and opened a law firm together. That is when the business lunches and the late nights started," here I glare at the two of them and stop myself for a moment. Christopher and Peter already know the whole story, as do Jack and Susan, so poor Ellie is the one I am narrating this for. I am trying to keep my breathing even and to keep myself from telling her my interpretation of history, I want to simply lay out the facts for her and whatever she does with them after that is her choice.

"Jack's parents were old money, and they never really approved of our relationship. I didn't fit with what they envisioned for their son's future, I guess. Since my parents had died when I was in high school and I had no other close family members, I took their rejection of me very badly. It was a source of great stress in our relationship since they kept making little disparaging and passive aggressive comments whenever they saw me, and Jack never took it seriously or defended me," I squeezed Christopher's hand tightly and took a moment just to breathe. The future in-laws from hell together with the infidelity had done such a number on my self-esteem that it took years to fully recover. I had been all alone in the world and they made me feel was like I wasn't good enough to be loved. Having my son in all of that horror helped – giving birth to him unlocked the endless well of unconditional love in my heart that had been waiting for him, and it helped slowly heal me, together with my husband's kind and patient love and support.

"Another source of strife for us was that I was ready for us to take the next step – get married, buy a house, have children, but Jack and Susan had just started their firm and he kept putting it off and working more and more, and well, let's just say we weren't spending a lot of time together in those last months, and the time we did get to spend together was spent arguing," I chuckle bitterly, "but what I hadn't known back then was that he and Susan were already having an affair behind my back," hearing this, poor Ellie flinches like I had struck her but at this point I'm past caring, all I want is for someone to finally hear my side of the story, I want their child to hear what they've done to my son.

"In August of '95, we were at one of Jack's parents' barbecues at their summerhouse, and I wasn't feeling very well, I was extremely nauseous actually, so I went to go vomit in one of their bathrooms upstairs, and that's when I caught these two," I look at the culprits with disgust, "with their pants down. Literally. It was the most upsetting sight of my life," I feel my eye twitching and I rub my closed eyes for a moment. Chris hands me a glass of water. The table is silent. Ellie has tears streaming down her face. I notice Peter doesn't know whether to comfort her or not, he keeps clenching and unclenching his fists on the table, as if trying not to reach for her. I don't know what's going to happen to their relationship. I don't want my son to be unhappy, but I also don't want to attend a wedding with Jack and Susan. Oh God, what a mess. I keep rubbing my eyes and forehead, I can feel the headache coming on and I try snapping myself out of it.

"Anyways," I look up at Eleanor. "I drove off, packed a bag, and moved out the same day. Contacted my friend in Arizona, quit my job, moved states. Anything to escape what I had seen. But the nausea got worse and I soon discovered that I was pregnant." Both Jack and Susan are pale as death, I bet they're terrified of their daughter discovering the worst thing about them. Worse than their infidelity, and that says a lot. "I then sent your father a letter, enclosing the ultrasound, telling him about the baby because he deserved to know, telling him that although our romantic relationship was very much over, he could be in his baby's life if he wanted to, but he never responded. I clearly stated that I would not be asking for any form of child support, I only wanted my baby to know where he came from. I guess Jack not only threw me away, but Cole as well," here I look at Jack and he's... crying?

"Cole is dad's middle name," Ellie whispers, more to herself than any of us.

"Hannah, I never got your letter," Jack sobs and I laugh bitterly. "I swear, if I had known about him, I would never -"

"Come on Jack, I sent you the letter three months after I left. And I sent you Acknowledgment of Paternity papers in February after he was born so I could put you on his birth certificate. Both were sent via certified mail, we got proof of delivery," I look at Chris, he nods. He was with me through the whole process, held me while I waited in vain for Jack to acknowledge his newborn son.

"We sent them to your office," Chris adds. "Didn't know whether you guys had moved somewhere together, didn't want to risk it getting returned."

Jack's head whips to Susan and she looks mortified. A step away from dying. Pale, shaking, tears in her eyes, the whole thing.

"Susan," he croaks out. "Did you know about this?"

Susan looks down and her silence is answer enough.

"Mom?" Ellie sobs. "Say something!"