Family Secrets

Chapter 4

Jack Cole Andrews

As lawyers, we are trained, among other things, to impassively examine evidence. Defense attorneys such as myself, however, are trained to examine evidence impassively at first, and then to seize it and make it fit into the narrative that will benefit our client the most.

Seeing Hannah after all these years has rekindled the remaining embers of that horrible guilt that has been eating at me since the moment her huge wounded eyes landed on me and Susan, mid-thrust. At first I wondered why I had done it. I had loved Hannah very much, it was the love-at-first sight type of love you see in movies, it was passionate, deep, consuming. Why, then, had I cheated on her and continued to cheat on her with Susan? Susan, who prior to that moment of discovery had never been on my radar as anything more than a friend with occasional benefits. A real friend who I felt heard and understood me, who I worked well with, both inside and outside of the bedroom. But she wasn't the woman I saw myself marrying. She wasn't even someone I wanted to date or plan weekends with. And yet I had cast Hannah aside in favor of Susan. I avoided going home to the woman I claimed to love, I kept putting myself in increasingly more dangerous situations with my affair, I risked discovery, I kept putting off marriage and children with Hannah, kept prioritizing my work with Susan – so what did that say about my love for Hannah?

Once I realized Hannah was nowhere to be found and would never be coming back to the apartment we shared, her number now disconnected, I sat down and took a hard look at all the evidence against me. And to defend myself, the only conclusion I could come up with was that I indeed loved Susan. Why else would I have done all of this? We had been randomly hooking up for about seven years prior to my relationship with Hannah, and then continued right where we left off when we started the firm. It had to have been done for love, otherwise I was just another horrible asshole who cheated on my future wife at the first sight of stress and strife. Truth is, my parents had been pressuring me and meddling in my relationship, and then Hannah started adding her pressure as well – the only place where I could relax was at work, with Susan, working on our dreams, celebrating new wins, building something for our future. Why could Hannah not see that? Susan seemed to be the only one who truly understood me.

So, armed with my new discovery about myself and my feelings, I jumped into a relationship with Susan for real this time, and tried to never look back. I still got the occasional guilt pang when something reminded me of Hannah, which happened less and less. Almost three years later, my parents suggested that it was time to get married, and I agreed, so Susan and I tied the knot in a beautiful ceremony, surrounded by all the people who had known us our entire lives. The newspapers called it the biggest society wedding of the year. There was no nerves, no butterflies fluttering their wings in anticipation of seeing my bride at the altar, no gazing into each other's eyes – ours was a solid, strong love, calm and true. All the evidence pointed to that, and who was I to refute it.

One year later our beautiful Eleanor was born, but that same day my dream of having a big family died. We tried making the best of it, of course, but there was always something missing in our little family. I told myself it was the absence of other children, the little dark-eyed rascals I'd once upon a time dreamed of having with my future wife. I tried consoling myself with the possibility of grandchildren, but now who knows what will come of that dream. Poor Ellie. Not only are her parents absolute garbage, but we also probably ruined her relationship with the boy. She really loved him, I could tell from all the phone calls she spent talking about him and the dreamy look in her eyes she had when she introduced us, before it all went to hell.

My son. The thought I've been avoiding can no longer be avoided now that I am sitting alone in the dark hotel room. Hannah said I was Cole's father - even after everything she named him after me? She was already pregnant when she was faced with the sight of her fiancé inside another woman, a woman I had told her was nothing but a friend. She could have lost the baby from the shock and the stress. Oh God. The old familiar guilt threatens to choke me and I welcome the pain. I feel bile rising from my stomach and I run to the bathroom, paying penance on my knees, vomiting and retching until I am dry-heaving. It hurts so much, the knowledge of what I have done, what chain reaction my actions have set into motion.

I have a son. A son who has spent his whole life feeling rejected, unwanted, abandoned. A son I would love to meet and know but who probably won't want to have anything to do with me. A son who I have taught nothing, except maybe indirectly to be nothing like me. I wonder what his life was like, growing up. Did Hannah's husband teach him sports? Who taught him how to shave? Who did he go to when he had problems with girls? Was he hurt when Hannah had another son with her husband? Has he felt second best? Does he feel like the odd man out among the three of them? Did he, too, wish for a father since Peter had one? Does he hate me? Or worse, is he indifferent towards me, not caring whether I lived or died? How is it possible to love someone so fiercely when you didn't know they even existed before today?

I hear someone putting the key card into the door, and I steel myself for the conversation that needs to be had. The sight of Susan's tear-stained face inspires no compassion in me. I don't know this woman anymore.

"We need to talk," I say, my throat sore and hoarse.

"Jack, please, let's take some time to process everything," she tries reasoning with me but I just shake my head.

"No, Susan, we'll talk now. This is a conversation that is 28 years overdue, you owe me that much."

She laughs, but it is a crazy maniacal laugh that I'd never heard from her before.

"I owe you? I? Owe? You?" she spits. "I've given you everything, Jack! I've done anything and everything you wanted, I've made myself into what you wanted and needed so that you would finally see me, finally notice that I am right there in front of you!"

"You hid my son from me!"

"You would have left me!" she cries inconsolably and I have the good sense not to lie to her that I wouldn't have. Instead I softly say: "You don't know that."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Please, Jack. If we're having this conversation, at least show me some respect and be honest, for once in your damn life. You would have gone running to your precious Hannah and you wouldn't have given a damn about me, like you hadn't given a damn about me all those years before. All I was to you was a convenient fuck," I flinch at the unhinged look in her eyes as she says it. "I didn't want to go back to that, I finally had you, she was out of our lives and we were happy! Can't you see that! I did it for us," she screams at me. "We had Ellie, we lived a beautiful uncomplicated life for the last 28 years. I just wanted us to be happy," she plops down on a chair, suddenly drained.

"Susan..." I am not sure how to say this. "The happiness we had was at the expense of someone else. First Hannah, because we betrayed her, and then my son, who grew up feeling unwanted, fatherless, because of what you did" now my nose is burning and my throat is closing up.

"Susan, how can I face him and try to make amends while still sharing a bed with the woman responsible for his misery?"

She is looking at the floor, tears streaming down her face, but she doesn't say anything.

"I am going to get another room, and I will move out of the house once we're back in Chicago," she is now wailing but I don't care, I can't care. "We'll figure out what to do with the business later, right now I'm taking some time off to figure things out."

I know about my son now and I am putting him first. Susan had the last 28 years of my time and she paid for them with the love that she stole from Cole. It is time to pay it back. I pack my things and leave the room, ignoring her tears and pleas. Instead, my mind conjures a pair of dark, tear filled eyes, and all it plays on repeat is Hannah's face after she caught me with Susan. I can never make things right with Hannah, Ellie, or Cole. I don't deserve to be happy ever again. I can only hope to make some progress with my son and daughter.

"Hey baby, it's dad. You must be asleep already, today has been a lot. Ellie, I'm so sorry for everything you found out about me tonight. I would really like to see you before you leave for Arizona with Peter's family, so please let me know if you find the time. I would really like to talk to you, to apologize, and maybe make plans to meet Cole if he and his mom would be open to that. I left your mom. I... maybe we should talk about this in person. Please call me. I love you."