Because this is my first

New start?

How was your life?

Are you good? how was your day? does anything make you feel okay lately? what are you doing right now? 

"Hae mi ya... did you eat all the watermelon on the fridge?".. someone just screaming out there and that is what I heard. Today was one of the most popular days of the week I guess, Monday. Where everyone gets busy with all their starter pack for "wracking this week" agenda, and else. The sound of the country road, mesmerizing slow-blowing winds on its side, and the noisy yet quiet people humming were audible. Ignoring the question I just left my place with half-done tied shoe lashes just for trying to not-late to my agenda. Which is enjoying those kinds of sounds by running in between that environment. This is quite late for enjoying it. It sounds more disturbing and annoying but idk it makes me feel relieved. I knew that the world was larger than I thought, I knew that my problem could be solved, I knew I was not the only one who suffered this chaos, I knew a long way I running the path, and I could find many things inspiring proving that nothing is impossible. 

But still, I decided to stay. After my effort to wake my consciousness to come back into my reality, which is to get all my work done. Instead, of doing it, I here writing this kind of diary thing. 

In the busy world that I no longer found out-I came back (always) into this mode. Self-indulgence mode.

Feeling like trash, because my brain seemed to know what should I do, but my heart felt that I didn't deserve any effort even if I doing my best right now. Like what the heck is this situation?!

In my opinion always popped up that all my family members even the relatives, have done a lot for me but here I am just being a jerk doing nothing and just trying to escape for things I don't know. The negativity always shadowed all my achievements even if there were a lot of people who kindly reminded me about how great all my effort was, I couldn't believe them. I can't.

So this stage of me is sucked and worst but I don't know how to cope with it get rid of it or be better at treating myself after.

my problem is I had to publish an article about my thesis work data, but I struggled with my expectations. This work was due two weeks till now. This week was my last chance. 

My lecturer just wanted me to finish this. But I think I couldn't do it. 

"What made you couldn't do it Hae mi?" this question is my "now playing playlist" in my brain. 

Because I wanted to make a perfect discussion section in it, I wanted it to be easily understood by the reader, the most important thing is it gets accepted in Q1 not just Q3 or under then it. I wanted to make a make-sense flow for it story so I couldn't have any regret in the future for just finishing the unworthy articles for my magister degree history. I wanted it to be the work that everyone wanted me as their employee. I want to make that one of my reasons to accept in my dream company. I wanted it to be my legend and blockbuster in my long life history if my life was a movie. I wanted all the good for this tiny little bit piece of chapter life to be good and meaningful. But I am not confident enough in all of my expectations for myself. 

Now I just sit, confused and struggling. scrolling my social media, looking at all the funny and entertaining Naruto's clips. Till I got the notification from my email "Hae mi Baek published an article on Royal Society of Chemistry"...

That's what would happen to you in the future if you did not give up. 

My life was unpredictable, yet fun and meaningful, I am good really good. Maybe this was one of the good to be in the highlight story of my life, and yeah my self-consciousness has made me feel alive lately. It guided me to prove my late me wrong about this little piece of article shits haha because now I am proud of myself who asking all those cheesy yet annoying question back than. 

Now I am enjoying this noisy countryside routine for my life.

So How was your life?

..There is no happier thing than stealing my sister's watermelon in the morning.... hahaha