When You Least Expect It

32

a/n vote/comment xo (spicy content be warned)

Chapter 32

  We drove to his house without saying a word, making me reconsider if this was the right choice. I stole a glance at him, noticing his tight grip on the steering wheel and his focused gaze on the road. It seemed like he'd had his fair share of accidents, so rather than risking distraction with small talk, I focused on the festive glow of Christmas lights adorning people's homes.

We slowed to a stop near Carson's house, and he cleared his throat, gesturing to the door. "After you," he said, not looking at me.

I hopped out of the car, my boots crunching on the icy ground, and trailed after him into the house. The house smelled like cookies and ginger, and it was warm, like the fireplace had been left burning. As he closed the door behind me with a soft click, a sense of suffocation washed over me, as if the heat from the fireplace was searing into my lungs. In the quiet of the living room, it was just the two of us, silently watching each other.

Then I shrugged off my coat, and Carson did the same with his bleary eyes fixed on me.

"Want to sit?" He nodded at the couch.

"No, I'm good, thanks."

Silence. Then, "So..."

I sighed. Here it goes. "I just feel like... I don't know. What happened to us, Carson?"

A muscle quivered at his jaw. "Well, you kissed someone else in front of me for starters."

My eyes go wide and wild. I didn't expect us to start there. "I thought you wouldn't care."

Raw hurt glittered in those dark eyes. "Don't care? Max, my heart split into two. That really..." His voice wavered, fragile and shaky. "It really messed me up."

I blinked, feeling lightheaded. He stared back in waiting silence, his eyes raw and bloodshot. I crossed the room to him and grabbed his face, pleading with him, but he pulled away.

He studied my face for a long beat. "Don't do this until you're sure of what you want."

I've never been so sure of anything, I wanted to say. Instead, I reached for his face, and this time he let me. "I know what I want." I was on my tiptoes, practically pleading with him with my eyes.

"I was a wreck for days." His eyes grew large and liquid. "After the party."

I looked at him, unable to find the words for a long moment. Throughout everything, I hadn't stopped to think about how this might affect him. Or if it even mattered to him. Just thinking of it shattered me.

"I had no idea." My voice came out shaky, uncertain.

"Of course you didn't. You just go around hurting people."

I let go of his face then, and my chest felt like it would burst. "You're right, you know. I'm not that person." I shook my head. "I don't want to be. I don't hurt people. I just wanted to hurt you like you hurt me."

He frowned in exasperation. "What?"

"On your birthday." I swallowed hard, my throat tight. "I tried, Carse. I wanted to tell you, but you shut me out. After we kissed at the motel, it felt like you didn't want anything to do with me. I tried telling you how I felt, but you wouldn't let me. You just—"