I have always known I was only meant for the temporary.
Someone to pass time with, or to keep around if you need a little company. An escape to get lost into. A fleeting presence that's gone before you'd notice—well, I'm anything but the kind you'd settle for.
In my world, staying was never a thing. People come and go after all, don't they?
But then, I'd lie if I said a part of me never thought for a second that maybe... I could be wrong.
It's past four am already at dapat mahimbing na akong natutulog ngayon pero kahit pumikit ng isang minuto hindi ko magawa. Instead, I just spent the last half an hour staring at the ceiling as my brain goes haywire. A lot of things are going on inside my head and no matter what I do, they can't be stopped. The more I try to shut them down, the more they just ramble.
Meanwhile, the person lying next to me sleeps soundly. So fucking unfair.
Still unable to drift off, I turned to his side and faced him. Of all the times that we've been this close, ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataong pagmasdan ang mukha niya and I can clearly see everything—the texture of his skin, the stubble on his chin, his lashes I envy, and the little scar on his temple I'd never seen before.
I slightly raised my hand to brush some of his hair aside but stopped mid-air upon realizing what I was about to do. I was about to cross a line. Instead, I just took my time, memorizing his face as it would be the last time.
I'm afraid it might be.
I don't know why I easily make a big deal out of things. It's not as if it was the first time that happened. In fact, I already knew this would happen at some point, just like it did with others. This should be nothing new.
But then, like a broken record, the scene kept replaying over and over, as if once was not enough to remember, like my mind wanted to mark every second of it.
I don't know, maybe it was just the liquor in our veins. The smoke clouding our heads. The heat of the moment. The frustration we've kept.
Or maybe the fact that I wasn't ready to hear it from him yet.
"You didn't mean that, right?"
Knowing he's fast asleep, I doubt he would hear me. He didn't need to anyway. And it's not like I needed an answer—I just felt the need to hear myself ask it while I still had the chance. Because I know for sure that once we get up from this bed, it'll be as if nothing happened. As it should be.
After all, hearts like ours were not made for anything real.
Something we agreed on right from the start.
