If God Wills

‘Excuse me.’ I pleaded. ‘That’s my seat.’

I sat on the seat as that lady apologized for not noticing that that seat was mine, and moved to the very next one. She didn’t look less than sixty, but still looked strong enough to lift her luggage all by herself. She wore a red cap under which her white hairs were visible.

            ‘So,’ she tried to start a conversation. ‘Where are you going boy?’

            ‘Wherever God wants me to be.’

            ‘Oops! Didn’t want to bother you, son.’ She didn’t look happy with my reply as she turned her face towards the window. I also didn’t want to be mean; specially, to a sixty year old woman.

            ‘I didn’t mean that, aunty. I am going to Namkhana.’ I replied with a smile.

            ‘Umm,’ she nodded. ‘Something must be bothering you, child.’

I was trying my best not to cry till she asked such a question. I covered my entire face with my hands except my eyes. It became so heavy trying to hold the tears that I felt it better to let it flow. But to my surprise, that lady didn’t react at all. Few minutes later, when I stopped crying, I saw a shaky hand holding a water bottle for me. I took that from her and drank some water when she looked at me and smiled.

            ‘Sometimes, life is too hard to live. Sometimes, it is impossible to leave. God tests us all, my child.’

She didn’t even know what had happened to me. Through her words, it seemed like she didn’t even need to. But at the very next moment, I was proved wrong.

            ‘If it doesn’t bother you, express yourself. It is better not to hold everything just to ourselves.’ She didn’t move her eyes for a second.

            ‘I am going back to my parents.’ She had eventually convinced me to let her know the reason for my trouble. ‘I am Yohan, a twenty-seven-year-old bank employee. I come from a very poor family in Namkhana. My father is a farmer. My mother also helps him on the field. Almost ten years ago, my parents had sent me to Kolkata to earn, so that I would be able to help my father, but I continued my studies here. Two years ago, they sent my sister to me after her final board exams so that she would be able to get better facilities here. We lived in a rented house near Park Circus.’

            ‘Lived?’ She interfered. ‘Are you going back forever? Where’s your sister?’

            ‘You’ll know it all.’ I sighed, and continued. ‘Rani was a really nice girl. Very good at studies. My colleagues also liked her and would ask me about her. We were having a great time here in Kolkata, until her focus went off her studies. It was a guy, her classmate. I didn’t like him talking to my sister at all from the very first day, but Rani had a different opinion about him. He was Rahul, a tall and handsome guy. He was pretty decent and well behaved too. But I didn’t like him because my sister was going away from me. She would hardly pay attention to my words. A girl who always used to have a book with her was now on the phone all day.

It was last Friday evening when things got worse. The very next morning, we would be going back to the village to meet our parents. So I came back home earlier that evening to complete the packing. When I reached home and rang the bell, Rani didn’t come out. I knew she was inside as the lights were on. After calling her and ringing the bell about seven or eight times, I opened the gate with the key — we both had one. At first I thought that she must be in the washroom, but then I heard her laughing from inside her room.

            ‘Are you there, Rani?’ I shouted. But as no reply came from the room, I put my bag on the dining table and went in. She was lying upside down on her bed with the shoes on. It looked like she didn’t even change her clothes after returning from the lesson. Rani had put her phone to her ear and was talking to someone; I didn’t have to guess who it was. And the worst of all, she didn’t look at all in her normal sense. ‘Rani, have you, have you drunk?’

She finally noticed that I was standing behind her. She cut the phone off and smiled at me. ‘Yohan, you have come. Oh, how nice it feels to see you again, brother.’

I was still in shock. I couldn’t believe that she was drunk. None of my family had ever touched an alcohol bottle before that. ‘I’m asking you something, Rani. Have you drunk?’

            ‘Oh, Yohan. I love him very much. I want to see him right now. He was calling me. I couldn’t receive his calls because ma’am was there. Where is he?’ She was laughing like a lunatic for once, and the very next moment, crying as someone had died.

I couldn’t hold my anger. But also I was so shocked that I couldn’t even say a word. It took me a few minutes to get my senses back. ‘Where have you been, Rani?’

            ‘Where was I? Umm, where was I? I don’t even remember. Wait let me remember, I went to the tuition, then I was coming back home, and then — I met Rahul. Oh yes, I met Rahul.’ She started jumping, and then stopped and got confused. ‘Ma’am told me that he must be in danger that he was calling me so many times, so I should pick up. So I picked it next time and,’

            ‘And what?’

            ‘And he told me to meet and, we met and, He dropped me home and, called me just when you came back, Yohan. Is he really in danger? Is he okay?’

I was furious to know this. That guy seemed innocent and decent to me but, I couldn’t have imagined that he would do this to my sister. I didn’t even know if he had come inside my home. Later I asked the neighbours and confirmed that he didn’t come in, just dropped Rani at the door on his bike. But still, I didn’t know where they’d been. Was it only alcohol or something more. I lost my mind at that moment and slapped her on her face. She looked back at me, this time with tears, but little did I care about that at that moment. Maybe that slap brought her back to her normal senses. This time I felt that my sister was finally in front of me. She tried to say something but I wasn’t really in a mood to listen to anything from anyone. I slapped her again and said, ‘Go back to bed, Rani. And try to imagine how glad my parents will be to hear this. Just try to think about what you’ve done for my old father, for my mother, and for me. Thank you, Rani. I will never forget this in my life.’

I slammed her door and went to my room without looking back. It was a hard night for me to sleep, but now I wish that I had slept that night. Because the next morning was about to present me with something I’d never expected. In the very morning, I thought that it would be better to wake her up and make her a breakfast. She hadn’t eaten anything last night. So I went out of my room and was about to open her door when I noticed a piece of paper on the ground by the door. I picked it up, opened it. It was Rani’s handwriting. I started reading.

"I know what I’ve done, Yohan. I know how glad our parents will be to hear all that. But believe me, I never intended to hurt anyone through my actions. But I can’t justify any of my work. I know how ashamed you are to have me as a sister. I know Maa and Baba would also be ashamed that they had me as their daughter. They deserve a better child. A child like you, Yohan. I can’t trouble them anymore. Maa and Baba will be more glad to know that they won’t have to call me a daughter. I hope you will forgive me, Yohan. And if you can, please don’t let many people know about what happened last evening. Not because they’ll hate me, but because they’ll insult you all. After all this, I have no courage to face Maa and Baba. Tell them that their daughter is dead. And if God wills, we’ll meet again.

Yours,

Rani"

I didn’t want to open the door because I knew very well what I’d have to face. A body was hanging in the air, and the other end of the rope was tied to the fan. I didn’t shed a single drop of tear. Maybe because I was shocked — or maybe my sister had given me the hope to see her again, only if God wills.’

That lady listened to me for this long without saying anything. She didn’t react to any of my words. Her eyes behind her glasses didn’t show any kind of sympathy for me. When I finished, she only sighed and said, ‘Amen.’