The reason for this rant book coming into existence, as well as the reason for me returning to Wattpad, comes as a list.
The list itself is hard for me to conjure up, as honestly, a lot of the list relies on feelings. But that is one of the reasons in and of itself.
List of Reasons:
1.) I wish to better understand myself. I fail to understand what I am feeling everyday. Am I feeling sad? Am I feeling anxious? Am I feeling content? Am I feeling happy? I struggle with even the basic of emotions. Writing is where I am able to go on an adventure with myself and my thoughts which inherently reconnect with my inner feelings. With this failure to recognize my own emotions, come along disassociation.
2.) Depersonalization and derealization is a huge part of my day, but I wish to break this cycle over time. I believe writing is the path to where I will better be able to live without the constant snapping in and out of my emotions. Writing, though better in handwriting, is supposed to activate the frontal lobe and, in turn, tell the body they are safe. I have always used writing where my voice couldn't. I will let my inner voice speak after being silenced for so long.
3.) I want to reconnect with my inner child. CPTSD diagnosis has unveiled to me a part of me I have lost. The only way to grow to where I want to be is to reach for that part of me. I want to comfort the part of me that still lingers. How can I help someone who is hurting if I don't recognize what is hurting them? I must look into the dark in hopes of becoming whole again. I won't allow her to continue to feel alone.
4.) I don't know what I want. I juggle majors as though it's for fun. I want to do everything. I hear as an ENFP this is common. However, I also have learned that as a child you learn these skills. I never learned decision making skills and would be ridiculed for trying to do anything in the first place. So why try to want something? I must overcome this and make my own future. I will gather the skills on the path I make for myself.
5.) I want to write again. My skills, though never good to begin with, are something I haven't been practicing. I want to come up with a story. A fun story that lines up with my favorite tropes. Though that is a fun reason to come back, I don't know if I will share it on Wattpad.
Already in this journey, my old habits are coming back. I have recognized small actions within my relationship with my fiancée that I can draw back to my dissociative attachment style that I had learned from my childhood. These traits have not been present for the past 3 years in our relationship. But I feel them creeping while journeying back and searching for emotions. I've been getting back into Pokémon games, watching shows that make me feel something, jailbreaking my 3DS, drawing again. All of this has been bringing up turmoil I didn't realize was buried with these activities.
Overall,
I want to be better :)
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Author's Note
For those who did not know, I am indeed engaged.
She's more than I could've ever asked for.
She's my 🌙.
