He Is My Sin - Hyunho

13. It's A Sin

Going to the pastor for advice could be deemed a poor choice.

But he could only blame himself.

Minho had a habit as a child of following his maternal grandmother to church every Sunday morning. Growing up, he didn't find real purpose in this weekly habit, but he still thought that talking to Father Thomas, the church's pastor - not confession though, Minho cringed to that - could provide him with clarity and perspective when something troubled him. Father Thomas seemed always ready to listen attentively to all his thoughts and give him a more or less objective opinion. And he urged the young boy to come to him whenever he felt troubled rather than relying on dubious advice from his peers.

That should have tipped him off. 

So, after a very long time, Minho decided to seek out the good pastor and ask his opinion on things, mainly he and Hyunjin 'interacting' in a more than friendly way.

Wrong. No, very wrong.

"It is a sin, Minho." Father Thomas said firmly. "For one, you are still married. You must honour your vows to your wife."

Minho had to roll his eyes at that. If only Father Thomas knew...

The priest paced up and down the rectory's small office, looking at Minho in utter dismay. "You were about to commit adultery. And with a man, Minho. With a man?" The indignation was palpable. The brunet kept quiet. "I've always believed that the people you keep company with, will eventually corrupt you. It seems my fears were justified." He shook his head, appaled. "But Father..." "I am very disappointed in you, Minho. You should really think hard about what you did and ask for forgiveness." Minho pursed his lips. Father Thomas continued relentlessly. "God tested you once and you failed. Instead of strengthening your bond with your wife, you drifted apart." Minho felt his insides twist unpleasantly. Calling their loss a 'test', made him nauseous.

What kind of fucked up view of things was that? 

He opened his mouth to say something but Father Thomas shushed him and continued. "Now, you have another test on your path and you choose to stray further? You must stay away from this man, Minho. Cut all ties with him. You must pray for forgiveness for your sins." "I thought God is love." Minho muttered, somewhere between irritation and frustration. "God is love to those who follow his word. Not to sinners and heathens." Replied Father Thomas firmly.

He left the church feeling dejected. He hoped to find some consolation but instead he found condemnation. He had been conflicted before, between what he was told was a sin, a weakness and an affront to God's creation and the reality of life and the people he knew. His friends -Seungmin and Jeongin - were kind and loyal, loving and caring. Not misguided sinners. He could brush it off before, knowing that none of them were religious and therefore not bound by the same moral principles. It seemed like a rational thought even though it was nothing than a logical fallacy. A sophistry to appease his conflicted mind. But now that it is happening to him, now that he's done something outside of the 'normal' of his faith and might even want to explore it further, what does that make him? A hypocrite?

Father Thomas sounded like a bigot. He was threatening Minho and everyone else for that matter with the fiery pits of Hell.

******************************************************

His mother watched him thoughtfully. 

They met for brunch after his visit to church. Mrs Lee sat across from her son, quietly sipping her tea, listening to him rant about the pastor's insensitive approach to his 'problem'. But what exactly his problem was, Mrs Lee couldn't say for sure. Her son once again answered vaguely and evasively.

"So, I gather there is someone else in your life, Min-min?" She asked casually.

Hyunjin's thought came to him as naturally as breathing. The feel of his lips tingled Minho's. It was imprinted on them, as if with hot iron. Minho himself still couldn't grasp the full impact that night had on him: their impromptu make out session in the men's room, at 'The Skyline'. And again this Friday - in the office of all places! - his soft breathing near his ear shell, his wet lips on his skin, right on his nape, sending shivers down his spine. His warm hands on his body... Even the mere thought now sent tingles all over him. "What do you want, Minho?"  Those five words tormented him all through that night, depriving him of his much needed sleep. What did he want? Could he dare to admit it? Would he?

"Minho?" His mother's voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

"I'm not sure. Maybe." Another evasive lie.

"What do you want, Minho?"  Hyunjin's low sensual voice echoed in his mind.

"But, that is what you told Father Thomas." His mother insisted.

"Yeah, I'm not sure though." Lies. Denial...

Mrs Lee hummed. She didn't want to push him. It was obvious to her that her son was not ready to fully face and come to terms with whatever was troubling him. She smoothed the tablecloth in front of her, gathering her thoughts, and looked up at him.

"Father Thomas is a bigot, dear. What did you expect?"

Well, he didn't expect his mother to be the understanding one. Of course, he didn't tell her that he was interested in another man. Only that he was thinking - perhaps - of someone else. No details. One thing at time. No need to upset her for no reason. He just felt that since he was interested in someone else - now that he finally admitted it to himself although denying the full extent of his 'interest' - it was obvious that his feelings for Yeji were non-existent. At least not in the way they were meant to be. There was no point in continuing with their marriage anymore. And his parents should be made aware of that. 

Only that.

His mother reached for his hand accross the table. "Min-min. I just want you to be happy again." "What brought this up?" He asked. "Your father said we should stop pushing you two so hard. It is your life after all." Her gaze fell gently on him. "You don't completely agree, though." Minho let out a sigh, expecting her to prove him right. "Oh, no darling! I agree. It is your life. I just wish that you could get over this, together." Her eyes never stopped watching him with affection. "Would you? Get over something like this?" He asked knowing that his mother understood what he meant. Would she be able to get over the loss of her child? Mrs Lee looked at him solemnly. "I don't even dare to think what I would do if anything happened to you. You are my precious boy. My highest achievement in life. Your father's too. We love you beyond words, Min-min." Her eyes misted and Minho felt a sting in his own too. "Come on now, mother. Don't you turn on the waterworks." he mumbled awkwardly. She slapped his arm lightly. "Insolent child!" She said lightly, giving him a watery smile. She then inhaled deeply, regaining her composure in a flash.

"Anyway. If you and Yeji are determined to officially separate, maybe you should get on with it. You have to move on with your life." Minho hummed. "That won't be easy, either." She added thoughtfully. "You know her parents are a little more reluctant to have a divorcée as a daughter." She rolled her eyes. "Social stigma." She added knowingly. Minho scoffed. "Really?  Thank goodness Yeji is more thick-skinned than I am." "Are you afraid of what people might think of you, Min-min?" His mother's words struck a chord within him as Hyunjin's face popped in his mind again.

Was he?