To You Who Held My Heart

Chapter 1 (Part 1)

"So, this is it," I whispered, clutching the phone, silent tears running down my cheeks. "You're breaking up with me."

A deep breath sounded in my ear, and I tried to contain the pain that had begun to well up inside.

"I guess, yeah, I am," A sob escaped the dam I had so carefully built inside. He let out a sigh. "I tried so hard to make this work. Really, I did. Sometimes, people just aren't compatible or meant for each other."

The conversation that followed wasn't pretty, civil, or short. It was emotional, lasted for hours, and was full of tears and tissues. At the end of it, I didn't want either of us to hang up. 'Cause if he or I did, that would be it. We'd never speak to each other again; we'd have no reason to.

But it did. It ended. The call disconnected, and I was left sitting alone, surrounded by used tissues. That night was full of restless turning and frequent sobs.

But it too ended. The morning came, sunlight peered through my blinds, and the world hadn't ended. My world may have, but the Earth itself kept moving forward.

The next two weeks felt like a blurry dream. Final exams opened and closed. Spring courses were completed. Graduation came and went for some. I had officially finished my first two years of college. None of it felt like an accomplishment. It was all so mundane, so useless, so empty.

My siblings checked on me regularly. They'd spend time in my room doing their own thing or just peak their heads in, making sure everything was alright.

The boy I had introduced to the family, the one they had all grown to love too, broke my heart. For the first time, I was thankful we had been long distance.

I honestly didn't know what my plan had been, but I was completely lost now. I couldn't continue in college without figuring out what major or career I wanted to pursue. I could just get a full-time job and work my tail off, but for what?

The possible paths are endless, but so are the dead ends.

I was a jack-of-all-trades, master of none. And my life had never felt more purposeless.

I missed him, despite our messy breakup and bittersweet memories. It felt stupid to miss him, to want to be with the very person who wants nothing more to do with me, but I couldn't stop the heartache. I still haven't been able to, and it's been a month. 

I'm done. I'm ready to let go and move on, but I don't know how.