To You Who Held My Heart

Chapter 1 (Part 2)

Ready to give up before I even begin, I open my laptop. I've been so out of it, I forgot to register for summer classes. I click on my school email bookmark, and my stomach drops. New changes have been made to our tuition costs, that's what the first email reads. That could be a good thing, right? Maybe they lowered the costs. Maybe everything is fine.

Beginning in August 20XX, there will be a substantial increase to the standard cost of housing and food plans, as well as tuition. Book prices will remain the same. If you have any questions about your current financial plan, please reach out to our Admissions and Financial Aid Department.

The email continues, but the words blur. I shut my laptop, vision swimming. I was struggling as is, and I didn't even live on campus. My parents weren't able to help financially, between the mortgage on the house and paying for my siblings' schooling. I had once tried to balance being a full-time student and part-time worker and failed.

My phone vibrates, but I ignore it, opening my laptop again. Guess it was time to search for jobs. For the next two hours, I update my resume and apply to anything I think would potentially accept me. During my senior year of high school, I worked at a small café. It wasn't ideal, but I made enough money to partially pay for my two years of college.

It shut down about three months ago. I didn't even notice until it was too late. Sometimes I wonder what happened and if I could've helped.

But it's in the past now. I call a couple of local retail stores; all but one aren't currently hiring.

The afternoon came and went.

I stare out the window and try to block out the negative thoughts and emotions that threaten to consume me.

Nothing feels right.

I miss him.

If we went back in time, could I have changed anything?

I physically shake my head, trying to rid myself of fantasies that would never be. My imagination did more harm than good these days.

"What do I do now?" The whisper is out of my mouth before I even realize I'm speaking aloud.

I want to spend the rest of my day distracting myself by reading or watching my favorite shows, but I know it's only a waste of time. Only a month ago, the future seemed so bright, so full of life and possibilities. I had woken up every morning excited for the day, just because I would be able to spend time with my favorite person. Looking back, it was laughable how ignorant I was. I was oblivious to all the signs and hints of a failing relationship. He was everything I wanted and more, so instead of him chasing me, I chased him. I wanted it to work so badly, that it didn't even matter what he did, good or bad. I love him for who he is. But in the end, my love wasn't enough.

It takes two people to start, maintain, and grow a relationship but only one to end it.