Warner Park

Chapter Two

Andrew

This was the moment I had both dreaded and been excited over... It was all I could think about once I woke up - my lunch break with Vince.

I played with the long sleeves of my shirt at my wrists, sitting upright in my chair as I waited for Vince to show up for lunch. I looked around, not seeing anyone that resembled him anywhere. It was twelve ten, a full ten minutes past when I was supposed to meet him here, and I started realizing that maybe I was really bad at picking up signals.

Maybe I misread the whole thing. Maybe he was being sarcastic with that thumbs up. Maybe he was doing that to some guy standing behind me and I was completely delusional. I tugged at my sleeves again, promising myself to only give it five more minutes before I walked away with my tail between my legs.

It was an old habit I had picked up again lately...fidgeting.

I went easy on myself, reminded myself not to take too much blame - I was purposefully pushing my own boundaries lately, a promise I had made to myself once moving here. I found myself outside of my comfort zone a lot more often and I did it on purpose. I learned in therapy that the only way to get over my issues was to do things that scared me sometimes. Nerves had to come out somehow, right?

I stopped my nervous hands, putting one hand on top of another.

What the hell was I supposed to do with my hands, why could I ever figure this out?! Why did my hands always end up causing me this much grief?! Why was I weird?!

I rested them on my crossed knee, and reminded myself to breathe slowly. My knee started bouncing - Vince was right, maybe I needed to carry a book around. I decided to let the bouncing leg happen. I obviously couldn't contain my nerves, I gave up.

I had distracting thoughts of Vince more often than I had control over, and the last week had been a complete haze of thoughts surrounding that man even though last night was the first time we had an actual conversation.

To clarify, I had more thoughts in my head than I ever wanted floating around in my mind. It wasn't cute, it was distracting. I couldn't focus. It happened in my day-to-day life while I did stupid things like wait for my coffee to brew or when I was stuck at a red light. Thoughts of Vince plagued me.

The thoughts repeated and sometimes new ones would drift by - I wondered what it would feel like for him to kiss me. I wondered what his house looked like or what kind of car he drove. I wondered what kind of coffee he drank, or if he didn't care about stuff like that. Did he cook? What did he do with his girls on the weekends? I wondered if he'd ever tell me more about his relationship situation. I wondered if he'd ever been with a man before, and what he'd look like without his shirt on.

Last night, I asked myself upfront what I wanted from Vince in preparation for this lunch today. While he was definitely giving me certain looks I wanted to explore, I also wanted to collect him as a friend in my new Los Angeles life... Senseless physical attraction aside, I liked Vince as a person. I wanted to add Vince to my list of people. I was trying to collect him, like a rare artifact not many people were able to add to their collection.

That didn't require any complex logistics, right? I was still hopeful to know him, the real him, and push my inappropriate thoughts aside for the sake of what I felt could be a great connection in friendship, like the one I'd been developing with Gary.

Gary and I had been texting one another last night for a few hours - I had needed second thoughts on a few dating app decisions. With his guidance, I ended up matching with someone that seemed promising.

Gary was proving himself to be a great wingman, and I appreciated him storming into my life... He had initiated this friendship between us, it didn't at any point feel optional. I wondered if he realized how much I needed that sort of saving. Moving out here with nothing and no one wasn't easy, but having Gary to talk to now was a relief. I could see us getting closer, and I was grateful for whatever he saw in me the other day when he yelled at me to cut my hair.