NIGERIAN MEN WILL STAIN YOUR WHITE

1

One

My name is Efua Johnson, a twenty-seven years old practicing therapist. I am a Nigerian-based woman of Ghanaian descent married to the most wonderful man. My marriage of four years will soon be five but the love between me and my husband goes way
back. I got married to my secondary school sweetheart, Femi. We had been dating for seven years before he finally sealed the deal when I was twenty-three. Although I am Ghanaian by
birth and irrespective of my being married to a Nigerian, I consider myself to be a fullfledged Nigerian. My name and rich dark complexion were the only hints of my Ghanaian
ancestry. My dad had been transferred here for work when I was five and my mum not
wanting to stay far from him had decided it was better to move the whole family here. They
had gone back to Ghana when I finished secondary school but I stayed back. I was already
used to life here in Nigeria and was not keen on leaving Femi, my newfound boyfriend at the
time. I met Femi at a club. A few of my girlfriends and I had snuck out from our hostel one
Friday night and had gone clubbing. He had approached me wanting to dance and we hit it
off from there. At the end of the night's activities, we exchanged contacts and kept in touch.
After a month he asked me out and I accepted. That was one of the best decisions I took in
my life. Femi being an undergraduate made it easier to brag about him. I was a big girl for
dating a big boy and I made sure to tell anyone that cared to know. My little circle of friends

  ALEXANDRIA HUMPHREY 2
congratulated me while the nasty ones were sure to badmouth me, but deep down I knew they
wanted to be in my shoes.
It took some time to convince my parents to let me continue my education in Nigeria.
There was a lot of begging and promises involved but they finally relented and agreed that I
could stay back. I applied to the same school as Femi. Thankfully, the universe was on our
side and I was admitted to the university of Lagos. I went on to study Psychology while he
was finishing his last year in the department of Medicine and Surgery. We had only a year
together in school but we made sure to flaunt our relationship. We were the it couple
everyone looked up to. Femi was really popular in school. Naturally, being his girlfriend it
rubbed off me. Although I was really popular back in secondary school, being a foreigner and
all, it was nothing compared to his. He was a former school pageantry winner and was always
at the center of all the hottest happenings in school. Needing to match his status, I competed
in the same pageantry he won and came home with the crown. It was quite easy, thanks to my
baby's influence. Femi was sweet to the core, always taking me on dates. His last year in
school was a very busy one yet he constantly made out time for me. That was how much he
cared about us.
Using his family connections after graduation, he worked out his housemanship and
youth service posting to Lagos so that we could remain together and did the same for me
when I was done. Femi didn't believe in long-distance relationships. We couldn't bear being
away from each other. From our first day together up till this moment, he has remained the
perfect man for me.
Our home was a happy one and blessed with a set of twins, an adorable princess who
reminded me so much of my mum, and a handsome prince who took after his father. The
reality I saw daily in my profession as people came to unburden their worries and troubles
made me realize that not all were blessed as I was in their marriage and life in general and it
made me appreciate God always.
*** It was a hot Sunday afternoon and I was currently at home making preparations for a
little pastime activity of mine. In about an hour, I would be hosting a group of ladies whom I
had come to regard as sisters. Some months back I created an offline community, a safe space
of some sort where ladies could come together to unload and rant about their experiences
with shitty men and life in general and be comforted by their fellow women. I and my friends
would usually comfort each other and it got me thinking about those who didn't have such
luxury like we did. Initially, my little gathering started with a few friends, Rita, Bola, and
Kemi. Bola worked at a bank and was by far the busiest one of us all as her job was very
tasking and demanding. Rita was a social media influencer and a PRO for one of the hottest
clubs in Lagos. Being the life of the party, it was the best job for her. She had a bubbling
personality with lots of followers on her social medial accounts. Kemi was an artist and a
freelance graphic designer. To outsiders, she was really quiet but when she was with us, her
wild side would make an appearance. Kemi, Bola, and I have been friends since secondary
school while I met Rita during my third year at the university and we have been best of
friends ever since. I introduced them to each other and was glad when they hit it off. I was the
only one married among my friends and was constantly teasing them about their love lives.
Our little group of friends meeting over Sunday lunch to rant slowly grew to include mutual
acquaintances. I am not of the opinion that all men are scum given that I live with a very
loving one. So I considered it my job to help them possibly heal and realize that there are
better men out there.
The arrangements were soon done with some quick instructions to my domestic help.
I had a shower as my guests began to arrive. When I was done, I dressed casually, something
I would be comfortable with. I wasn't about to behave like the women in those ridiculous
Nigerian movies that would usually be all dressed up with a full face of makeup. I grabbed
my phone and went down to greet my guests. Not everyone had arrived and those of us who
were present chatted away while we waited for the rest.
"Hey girls." My best girl Rita announced her arrival. She was always the last one to
arrive and was over thirty minutes late. Swaying her hips in a playful way, she walked over to
give me a hug.
"You are late. Again," I scolded Rita with feigned anger. I was waiting for her usual
excuse of traffic being bad. Of course, no one ever took her excuse seriously owing to the fact
that her place was not that far from mine. I am sure she was busy smooching and being
smooched by her boo.
"And as loud as ever," Bola said.
"What's that one nau," Rita looked away from me to glare at Bola. Then turning back
to me, she blew me an air kiss and made a puppy face. "Efua I am sorry. The traffic today
was terrible."
I rolled my eyes inwardly as did some others. Of course, it was. She seriously needs
to come up with another excuse. Everyone here was tired of hearing this one. "It's fine. But
abi you know that what Bola said is true." Rita had always been the loud one among us. We
didn't fault her for it as we liked that part of her.
"Are you not meant to be on my side?" Rita asked me.
"Sorry babes, I am on the side of the truth," I said as I laughed.
"Forget that one first. I have gist for you people," Rita said as she sat down on a free
chair and dropped her large handbag on the floor close to her. I had always wondered how
she liked carrying that thing around. "I broke up with Michael." What happened?" We were all shocked. I always thought that things were going fine
between them. The two of them had been inseparable. She practically ditched most of our girl
time to be with him. "You guys looked so good together. You rarely had problems," I said to
her.
"I am sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner but things had not been so good between us
for a while. Michael lost his job about six months ago," she said.
Rita kept dropping one bomb after another. I was still in shock. Why did she not tell
me? Even if she did not want the others to know, she could have at least told me. I was her
closest, scratch that, I was her best friend.
Rita clasped her hands together. Something she did very well when she was nervous.
"He showed up unannounced one day with his things and a story about him losing his job.
The company he worked for was having a hard time and had to let go of some employees. He
was one of the unlucky ones to be laid off."
"It still does not explain why he showed up at your place." I did not like where this
story was heading to.
"Apparently, the apartment he was staying at came as a perk for working with his
company," Rita said, "so, no job equals no house." Two braids fell to the front of her face and
she tucked them back into place. "I felt bad so I let him stay with me. Besides, he told me it
would only be for a couple of weeks, three weeks at most till he could sort himself."
"Was he not able to sort himself out?" Bola asked.
"Sort ke. That was how three weeks became one month and from there six months,"
Rita replied.
"Was that why you decided to let go?" I asked her.Rita bent down and motioned for us to come closer. It was something she did
whenever she wanted to tell a story. "So get this girls," she said, "that was how Michael
stayed in my house for six months eating the food that I bought with my money. I did not
even have an issue with that because I understood his situation. But he was taking my
understanding for granted. I would come back from work and see my house in a mess and
him sleeping somewhere in the house. He did not do anything. I cooked and fed him and even
washing the plate he ate with was too big a chore for him. Was he thinking he employed a
house girl?
"If I ask him about his efforts to get another job, he would change the topic. At a
point, he started getting defensive about the matter claiming that I was trying to add salt and
pepper to his injury by rubbing the fact that he didn't have a job and was crashing with me
temporarily to his face." Rita's face clearly showed she was annoyed as she recounted what
happened to the group.
"Who raised these men?" Bola asked, so pissed, "even to wash plate na wahala."
Rita reached out for a bottle of water from the stool beside her. She took a couple of
mouthfuls replenishing her thirst. Then she continued with the story. "That one sef is small.
Three months ago, he came and said he needed a hundred and fifty thousand Naira to fix his
car and that he would pay me back. See me, olodo, fool at twenty-seven. With love covering
my eyes, I transferred the money to him. One month, two months passed, shishi I no see. If I
ask him, he will give one excuse or the other and mumu me was still enduring and waiting
patiently. Then last week he came and said he and his friends were setting up a little startup
company. I was genuinely happy that he found something to do."
"That's good news," I said. So far, this was the only pleasant thing Rita has said.
"Omo. That was until he told me they each had to invest eight hundred thousandNaira as seed fund into the business and he was short of the required amount," Rita replied,
"already I did not like where the story was heading but I decided to hear him out and let him
finish. He asked if I could lend him three hundred thousand Naira."
"Lover girl. Did you give him?" Kemi asked teasing her. This was her first time
talking today and it was a playful jab at Rita. Her comment made everyone laugh including
Rita.
"Am I mad? When I have not even seen my one hundred and fifty thousand Naira. I
just told him that I didn't have that amount. He asked me how much I had and that he would
take it like that. I told him I was broke at the moment because I had not worked with any
brand for a while now," Rita said. "I was even wondering where he would have gotten the
remaining five hundred thousand if I had given him the money, so I asked. You guys won't
believe what he told me. He said he had savings up to that amount."
"So he had money and still did not refund your money," I said. This story was hurting
me more than Rita who actually experienced it.
"Don't mind him. I brought it up and the useless man opened his mouth to shout at me
that is it because of small change that I am embarrassing him, that I should have used a
megaphone and announced to the whole neighbourhood that he was owing me. That was how
I became a stingy and wicked girl," Rita said and beat her chest three times, "mua bu Rita
wicked. On top of my own money. At this point, I was angry and trying not to show it until
he started saying shit like after all he had done for me. I had to ask him, Michael, what did
you do for me? What exactly did you do that would warrant you speaking to me in such a
manner? He brought up something that happened long ago." Rita deepened her voice to
mimic the way Michael spoke and repeated what he had said, "After all, I housed you when
you did not have anywhere to go back when we were in the university and you can't even dothis small thing for me." She played out the impersonation so well that the others could not
help but laugh.
Returning to her usual high-pitched tone, she continued, "this man was still shouting
calling me an ungrateful person saying that he knows I have the money because apart from
my pay from influencing, I worked for a club and our customers at the club always dashed
me money and who knows, it might not be for free after all. He for call me ashawo nau. E
come dey disguise. This man was legit raining insults on me for my own money and he kept
on trying to gaslight me into sending the money. I just couldn't take it anymore. I ended the
relationship and told him to leave my house."
"Nawa oo?" I said amazed by the sheer audacity. I never expected this from him. "So
because people give you money at the club, you should pack everything for him as the king
that he is. And him that is insinuating that you do runs, he is not ashamed to collect runs girl
money."
"But did you really crash with him one time as he said?" Kemi asked bringing up the
question everyone wanted to know the answer to.
"Yes, I did. But it was just for two weeks during my final clearance," Rita confirmed.
"The rent at my place had expired and hotel fees for two weeks were just too much. I thought
of staying with Efua but she was already living with Femi, so I did not want to inconvenience
them. The funny thing is that this man wanted to act acrimony on top my head just because of
two weeks. Two weeks that I was feeding both him and myself with foodstuff I bought and
cooked with my money oo because I didn't want to be a burden."
"But why are men like this?" Kemi lamented shaking her head, "the way he was
saying it, someone that does not know the full story would be feeling bad for him that his
girlfriend did not want to help him after he helped her."He was trying to guilt trip her but he forgot the person he was dating," I said, "the
Rita I know does not take nonsense from anybody regardless of who it is." I was proud of my
girl for not letting him walk all over her as he pleased. He probably felt because she had
given him the first time, she would give him the second time. Honestly, if she had, he would
have continued to ask and it would never end. Thank God she dodged that bullet.
"But wait oo," Kemi said suddenly, "what about the hundred and fifty thousand?
Don't tell me you left it for him."
"I did actually," Rita replied, "deep down I knew the money wasn't coming back and
hanging on to it would mean keeping him longer in my life. It just wasn't worth it.
"So enough about me girls," Rita said putting a lid on the topic, "what's going on in
your lives? Any new men in the DMs, and please, Efua the question is not for you. If they
give you small chance like this, you will just be flaunting your husband."
I laughed. This was what our conversations looked like most of the time. "Abeg. You
girls need to get married so that you will see what I am enjoying. Besides, I want to do
asoebi."
"You think it is easy to find a man. The streets are hard," Ify, one of Bola's friends
spoke up, "the streets are very hard even with the vast diversity of men. It's either the person
you like does not like you or you do not like the one that likes you. The fine ones do not have
sense and are most likely play boys, meanwhile the ugly ones are now the ones that know
how to keep a conversation."
"Why not date those ones nau?" I asked.
"Please oo. A baby girl is never to be caught unfresh." Ify flipped her hair to one side
as she spoke. "I cannot date someone I will not be proud to show off. As I was saying, the
men our age do not know how to treat a woman right but you see those older ones, they willspoil you. It is just that their wahala is too much. Any small thing their head will touch. That
was how one guy that liked my sister when it was her birthday told her to come with a few
friends and he would foot the bills. My sister told us and we went. Who no like free thing?"
Everyone was actively paying attention to Ify's story especially with the added fact
that she was a vivid storyteller. With her illustrations and soundtracks, one would feel that
they were there with her.
"So we get to the place and he gets a room," she said, "there were six of us and he
booked a single room. We did not see anything bad about it at that time. After dropping our
things and getting changed, we went to the bar of the hotel to get grilled catfish. The initial
plan was to buy two since we were six and it would be three people to one fish. When we told
him to get just two, he said that he would get three so that we could enjoy ourselves more. He
was the one paying so nobody complained." Ify stopped talking and brought her phone. After
tapping away on it for some seconds, she showed them a picture. "This was the size of the
fish."
"Hmmmm. The fish is big. This guy tried for you people. When will someone buy me
fish," Bola said raising her hands to God in a form of silent prayer.
"Try ke. I have not even finished," Ify said, "there was a live band performing at the
bar that night so we ended up staying there till late. Along the way, he ordered more things
for us and he kept on saying, don't worry I will pay. The performance ended by one am and
he suggested us going to the club with a couple of his friends. My sister told us about the idea
but we were already tired coupled with the fact that his so-called friends had been making
rude sexual advances towards us the whole night without shame and honestly they were
nothing to write home about. We politely declined. Na so wahala take start."
"What happened?" I asked, very excited to know.My sister went to tell him our decision and also, thank him for the bills and he
started shouting and causing a scene that he was not paying for anything," Ify replied,
"according to him, he had already told his friends that he would hook them up with us that
night. How was that one our problem? You made plans without informing anybody and you
want us to just follow it."
"Oshey, as per pimp nau. He wants to hook you people up," Kemi was at it again. "Thank God we carried vex money because that man stood his ground and did not pay," Ify said, "in his words, we want to eat his money and go just like that. We contributed money and sent it to my sister's account and she paid. When we got back to the hotel, the man continued his madness. Apparently, the room he booked was for himself and my sister while the rest of us would pair up with his friends. All of us were already fed up with the situation so we just collected our things from the room and got ourselves another room. We even got a more expensive room than the one he booked so that it will pain him well. Before we got to the room, my sister blocked and deleted his number."
"These men, in their minds, they have gotten better babes to lash," Rita said and let out a long laugh, "but these guys no rate una at all. They won use fish chop una." "Moral of the story. Always carry vex money," Kemi said as she wrote on an invisible paper. There was still a bit of time left and we were in the middle of exchanging playful bants when Femi came home with the twins. They were back from their Sunday routine of spending the day with Femi's parents, giving me time with my girls. Femi and the kids exchanged short polite greetings with the girls and left us to carry on with our busines