All that mattered-Phan

A/N: Mentions of depression and self harm. This is a oneshot i wrote a week ago but i was struggeling with the end, but here it is ^^ btw, did anyone see the mishapocalypse on tumblr today? it was hilarious! 

Julia out! *brofist* 

Describe your feelings today: Anxious, Lost, Numb. 

Two words that describe you: Weird, Freak.

How do you feel today on a scale 1-10? 0.

I sighed and closed the diary I’ve been writing in for a month. Page after page filled with the same thing. I thought writing would make me feel better, make my feelings go away. Still, it didn’t change anything.

I sat up and walked to the bathroom. Being alone in the flat had its ups and downs but this was definitely an up. I locked the door and went to the bathroom. It smelled a little like alcohol from a few days ago when I used some to clean the blood up. I was shaking. My head was aching and my hands jittery. I needed this, now. I picked up the razor blade hidden in my old shampoo bottle. That way Dan wouldn’t notice.

I watched the sharp blade for a while and dragged it slowly across my wrist. A sensation spread when the blade cut though my skin and made blood flow out. I felt clean; it felt good to know that I had blood inside me, not something else. It made me feel alive. I dragged it a second time, a bit harder and made a clear red cut right above a particularly deep scar from a month ago.  I considered making another one when I heard the sound of keys in a lock and a door opening.

Quickly, I put the blade inside the bottle and dragged my sleeve down so the scars wouldn’t be visible. I flushed the toilet and opened the door. Dan stood in the hallway with two Tesco bags.

“Could you please help me?” He said laughing. Oh, that laugh, it almost made me smile. “I thought we needed some more sweet stuff and not all those apples you eat all the time” He said and started unpacking. I smiled weakly.

I mostly ate fruit and not so much candy. I had to lose weight. I was way too fat, too ugly, though Dan always said I looked pretty skinny. Dragging my feet over the floor, I went to help him. The bags were filled with the usual things Dan bought on a daily basis, coffee, some Maltesers and his favourite cereal. We never had any cereal because I always ate it, it was healthier than candy, or Dan ate them, in the middle of the night.

I knew he was awake during the night. He thought I was sleeping but I used to spend the nights crying. I always heard him, tapping on the keyboard, small footsteps in the corridor outside my room.

“I bought some Lion cereal!” He said, smiling. Why did he have to smile? Didn’t he know what he was doing to me?

“You did? Thanks!” I said with a fake laugh and continued to unpack. During the time, I’ve been getting better and better to fake smiles and laughs. Sometimes I wondered if Dan suspected anything, but I tried to laugh as often as possible, I didn’t want people running after me. Dan put the last milk bottle in the fridge and closed the door.

“I thought we might be able to see Pj and Chris later?” He asked, carefully. Maybe I’d been a little bitter this week, but he couldn’t suspect me to be happy all the time. Though, I never was happy for real. It was just another mask. I had one for him, one for my parents, and one for friends. That way I’d be more like the normal Phil to everybody, and maybe less weird.

“I don’t know” I said, turning away. “Maybe another day?” I added. I hadn’t been out for a while, and I didn’t want him to suspect anything. I don’t know what I’d do if he found out. Maybe he’d leave me. Though, what would he leave? We weren’t guaranteed to be there for each other, it just happened to be so.