The Affectionate Player - Part1 (Editing Chapters 32-34)

Chapter 8

Max

It's Tuesday. I've dropped Monty to nursery and for the first time since last week I have the day to myself. My thoughts have drained me for days and in an attempt to clear my head I'm taking full advantage of this bright, late February weather with a run in Holland Park.

Having spent less time with friends over recent months, a chilled Friday night with a few beers had been just what I'd needed - especially owing to Gracie Campbell coming back into my life so unexpectedly. The shock of seeing her in place of Geri had overwhelmed me but this coupled with her turning up at Rudi's party last weekend has been more than I can take.

She'd made it clear at the Kingston's dinner that there could be nothing more between us and as a result of her rejection I'd warned myself as I had last June that I'd be a fool to expect anything more. But damn it - when she appeared on Friday night in the alluring bronze dress that matched her smooth tanned skin, my only thought before taking her was the intoxicating scent beyond her creamy soft ear, which has ever since remained seared in my memory.

From the short time we'd spent together last summer, I'd suspected she could mean more to me. Her carefree attitude, her sincerity and the way she looked at me; she had the power to read my mind and see into my soul. And her smile, and the way her body responded to mine. Thoughts of her even now have me rapt.

The lovers I'd enjoyed before had always let me lead. Even Mel, who had before Monty blessed us with his presence, organised us within an inch of our lives almost to the extent that I needed an appointment to make love to my wife. She'd have snubbed the suggestion of an impromptu romp on the carpet of an office floor, even the thought of being discovered would have been enough to have her petrified. Likely it was the fear of having her public image shattered and her private life sprawled across the media. That I had understood.

But since sharing my bed last summer, Gracie Campbell has been impossible to forget. I hadn't known it at the time just how ill my wife had been and neither had Mel, but aside from her health issues there remains no doubt in my mind that I should've tried harder not to have been tempted. I'd made promises, taken vows and regardless of the circumstances I'd broken them. And having taken Gracie once more on Friday night, it had brought with it my worst fears. I couldn't escape the guilt of the first betrayal and in my despair I'd gone to see my sister.

Josh was on a stag weekend and for once I'd been glad of his absence. I needed time with Sophie who being my big sis, always had the right answers. I thought she could help make sense of my situation so once we'd bathed the kids and tucked them in, we'd settled downstairs with a bottle of wine.

"Chablis, Max? Are we celebrating?" I smiled knowingly but said nothing of my reasons for choosing it instead of my usual two for a tenner. We reminisced about when we were kids talking much of how da has supported us in achieving our goals but eventually as it always did the conversation had turned to our mother.

"Do you ever think about starting your own search, Max?"

"Funny you should ask that. I hadn't until I went to Fortrose last year. While I was there I found one of her books and as soon as I started reading it, I felt like she was reaching out to me. It was really bizarre. Not recently though. It's been on the back burner since Mel died."

"Yeah, of course, sorry," she'd said, her eyes growing heavy. "You never mentioned you'd gone back. When was this?"

"June. It was at the end of reshoots. Remember when my flight got cancelled and I couldn't get back for Josh's birthday? I stayed there."

"I loved that place so much, Max. But the thought of going back scares me." Yawning she'd laid her head against my shoulder.

"I know what you mean. I felt the same for years. If you do decide to go back though, you should take Josh with you. Somehow facing shit like that with back up helps."

"I think it would break my heart to revisit old memories. I miss her every day but part of me hates what she did, Max. She just left us and I don't think I'll ever get past it."

We'd sat quietly then, finishing our drinks while listening to Amy Winehouse and by the time we'd polished off half of the second bottle, Soph had settled on my shoulder. I resolved that now was as good a time as any to broach the subject of Gracie Campbell and my selfishness.

"Soph? Can I get some advice?"

"Mmmm?"

"You know how I told you I'm not interested in getting involved again?"

"Mmmm."

"Well, I've kind of met someone. She's really quite sweet. In fact, she's something else but I just can't do the whole dating thing."

"Mmmm." Glancing her way I'd noted her eyes closed.

"Are you listening to me, sis?" I'd chuckled realising I'd lost her to slumber though it hadn't deterred the onset of disappointment knowing it would likely be days before I'd get another opportunity to get this off my chest.

"Dates..."

"Yeah. Something like that. You should go to bed, love. You're exhausted."

"I am. Don't you want to talk?"

"It's not important. It can wait."

"If you're sure."

"Really, it's nothing urgent."

"OK. Thanks for coming over, babe. We should do this more often." Leaning forward she'd planted a kiss on my forehead before stumbling to her feet. "See you in the morning, bro."

Still much too early for me to turn in I'd remained on the couch finishing the wine and setting my iPod on shuffle to provoke my thoughts. Ah – Coldplay's Oceans. Listening to the song I'd absorbed the familiar words hoping they'd bring with them some insight and as they'd played, I realised that I too had been waiting for a call. Gracie's call. But could I change? Was I ready? Did I want to? The answers to those questions lay deep within and it occurred to me that perhaps the true reason I'd chosen to visit my sister was to inadvertently sabotage the decision I'd made months ago.

Lost in grief with no interest in my future other than my son, it had been the easiest choice to make. I'll never take another partner and without doubt I won't experience fatherhood again. It's not that I don't love kids; I do. I love the tiny bundles but the thought of increasing my emotional vulnerability just tears me apart. I won't do it because I love Monty too much to put him through any more heartache and loss.

From now on it will be me and my son. He's my priority and having sworn on his life after Mel's death that I would protect him from whatever pain I could, this is one vow I will not break. I'll do anything to shield him regardless of any personal cost to me. Though the trouble with that is Gracie. I've thought of her every day, ten times a day since seeing her again. Her very presence is making it difficult for me to maintain that oath because every ounce of me wants her and if I'm honest with myself, it's almost killing me. And so it had been with a heavy heart that I had left my sister's home on Sunday morning, no wiser than when I'd arrived.

Now in Holland Park with my iPod again on shuffle, I attempt to clear my head and as I run I change course heading straight for the café. Grabbing a bottle of water I head outside to catch my breath and watch the world go by. The music changes and instantly I recognise the song.

Shit. Having spent the first month after Mel's death drowning in whiskey along with Adele's words, I'm certain my heart will not survive her sultry tones this morning. Rolling my eyes I almost press forward but as the soft knowing music begins I still, yieldingly.

'You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day, lose myself in time, just thinking of your face.... So come on and let me....'

If I'd felt confused before, I was worse now. I need to see her and pressing dial, I call Rudi.