The Forgotten Chronicles of Dysfunctional X-Nauts - A Paper Mario Story

What Friends Are For

"sublvl 12 storage room, u know the one. knock thrice then give the pass. need a piece o ur strong arms. plz n thx bby <3<3 ps be sneaky about it u got this kk"

Crump glanced down at the text displayed on his communicator. Loyally following the instructions as assigned, he boarded the next elevator bound for sublevel 12. At this time, most of the X-Nauts were either on the deeper residential floor or picking up their rations from within the dining area. As a result, he was able to enjoy the peace of being alone for a bit. He exhaled and leaned back against the wall for a short moment as he waited to be carried to his destination.

Soon enough, he arrived and exited into the empty hallway. If he was correct, the message was probably talking about the storage room... back there. His destination set, he exited towards the right. Then he turned left, then right, then left again, then left once more...

Finally, he stood in front of his target. He faced a mechanical door with a red lamp glowing above it. He reached out his fist and knocked - once, twice, thrice. Then, leaning in, his breath hitched and he muttered the words in a low voice... "fuzzy pickles." With this step properly completed, he paused and waited for a response from beyond.

Click! A sound rang out from the entryway, and the door slid open. A pair of goggles peered out from within. "C'mon, quickly! Get on in here!" Obediently, Crump tiptoed in, and the door locked behind them.

Scattered across the floor were boxes of snacks and candy, along with several empty garbage bags. The red-garbed, white-capped X-Naut soldier standing next to the mess placed his hands on his hips and stared up at Crump. "Hey, took you long enough! I was about to start loading the stuff up without you. I thought little ol' me was going to have to nab the goods all by myself... I wasn't made for this whole heavy labor thing, y'know? I'm a fragile little guy. My arms are all stringy, like wet spaghetti." The "fragile little guy" wriggled his arms around a bit, for emphasis.

Crump stared down at the rather average-looking X-Naut. This... was Johnson. Everything about him seemed ordinary on the surface. Not a thing notable about him.

Personality-wise, though...

When male X-Naut children became ready to cross over into the realm of a full-fledged X-Naut adult, they were administered a series of tests that determined which career path they were best suited for. There was a long, mind-numbing written and lab performance portion that tested their academic ability, and a gut-wrenching, strenuous physical portion that tested their athletic ability. If you got a high score on the written test, you got put on the training path to become an X-Naut PhD. If you got a high score on the physical test, you got put on the training path to become an Elite X-Naut. Happened to get lucky and score high on both? Well, your pick. Only seven people had managed to do that since Amadeus stepped up to the throne.

Johnson was one of the rare X-Nauts who had scored high enough on both. Flying colors in every category, actually. The only other person Crump personally knew who had made great marks on both tests was Grodus, and he had screwed up at the end of his physical test by falling face-first into a pit that wasn't even intended to be a part of the obstacle course, then sat there with a broken arm until someone came and pulled him out with a crane about two hours later.

Johnson picked to be a PhD, since there were invisibility potions readily available in the labs. What exactly he wanted them for, Crump didn't know, and probably would never find out.

He'd done fairly well at his job for about the first week. After that, he got bored and started sleeping in as late as he possibly could without getting immediately fired by his superiors. When asked why he wasn't checking in on time, he would say "Well, inspiration strikes at strange times! You see, I had this great idea, so I just had to write it down right then, right there. No, no, no, it couldn't have waited until I got to the lab. Strokes of genius only last an instant! If you don't run with them, they won't wait for you!" Unfortunately, he seemed to forget his notes in his room every time. Then, when he got back to his room, he "couldn't find them".