The Dark Side of the Moon

25. In Memoriam

I opened my eyes on Monday morning to a perfectly cloudy grey sky, knowing that at least I'd get to see Edward again soon.

Charlie had indeed been waiting for me when I got home Saturday night, and he spent over and hour and a half punishing me for staying away for so long.

Every inch of my body was covered in bruises, cuts, and burns, the worst on my back from his toothed whip, which ripped small pieces of my flesh with every hit. I used all of my limited medical training to close my wounds and treat them, but the pain was unbearable when I woke late on Sunday.

Today, the injuries were still as prevalent, though slightly better and more sore than sharp as they fought to heal.

I rolled onto the floor, using the walls to pull myself up again as I stood on shaky legs. I worked to clean myself up, taking my time in the warm shower to scrub any remaining blood that had seeped out of my wounds over night and sealing them again with superglue and bandages, just in case.

My anxiety was at an all time high, the fear that one of the Cullens would smell my blood at the forefront of my mind, but I couldn't do much to hide what refused to be hidden—I'd done everything to patch myself up, and it was only paranoia that kept my nerves peaked.

I hurried to get dressed, throwing on a thick turtleneck sweater and some jeans in a vain attempt to hide my thinness. A quick check out the window told me that Charlie had already left for the day, so I made my way down stairs, body protesting as I moved.

I walked straight past the kitchen and to the door, knowing Edward would already be there waiting.

He was, and he gave me the most breathtaking smile as I walked towards the car and got in.

"Good morning," I told him, a smile breaking out on my face too, vague guilt muddling in the background.

"Hello, beautiful," his crooked smile grew as he took in my appearance, placing a chaste kiss on my cheek before pulling out of the drive. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine," I answered, too tired to talk much yet. Truthfully, I'd been up most of the night in agony, the nightmares plaguing me every time I managed to fall asleep.

He glanced at me, a frown setting on his face as he scrunched his eyebrows. I was horrible at lying to Edward, but I'm too tired to care right now.

———

Lunch finally rolled around, and I knew that I needed to stay quiet...I knew what I'd have to do once the day was over, and to indulge in the familiarity of my favorite people knowing this would feel like a sin.

Luckily, Jessica wasn't in school today, which removed a large complexity from the already stressful day.

Today was the first day I sat with the Cullens, and while I was excited, I held the guilt of my obligation inside me. This was all I ever wanted; to have my own family to hang out with, joke with, to love and be loved by....but even as they laughed and teased each other, I couldn't bring myself to join in. Edward seemed to notice, of course, and I'm sure the others could tell the change in my demeanor as well, but I couldn't bring myself out of my head enough to laugh along with them.

"What's wrong, love?" He whispered in my ear. I looked around and noticed that Alice was not at the table with us...there was a chance he didn't know yet, for which I was grateful, but the guilt consumed me to know that she could see this coming.

"Nothing, Edward. I'll tell you later," I said with finality. I could see the concern on his features as he froze, but I looked away quickly, getting up from the table as the bell rang.

He followed me silently to biology, and we sat in the quiet all through class, minds miles away from whatever lesson Mr. Banner was giving, wondering about the future.

———

The end of the school day finally came, and I felt nauseous as I got into the car. I sat on my hands to hide their shaking, but he already knew something was wrong.

As soon as we were out of the lot, he turned to me, anxiety across his features.

"Bella, what's going on? Why won't you talk to me?"

I looked at my lap, taking a deep breath before forcing the words I hated out.

"Edward, I-I can't do this," I tried, traitor tears welling up in my eyes. I swiped at them in frustration. He looked lost as he stared at me, brow furrowed.

"What do you mean? What can't you do?"

"I mean, I can't do us, anymore," I said, voice flat as I stared straight ahead at the road that was flying past us. "This, this whole vampire thing...I lied. It scares me."

I peeked at his face, which stared unseeingly out of the front window, frozen and giving nothing away.

"You asked about the screaming and running, well this is my version." I could feel the tears coming, and I willed them back, but nothing could stop the shaking of my voice in the final blow.

"I c-can't be with y-you, Edward. It's over."

The tears overflowed as I gasped, trying to hold in the breakdown until I was out of the car. Edward didn't move. He didn't breathe, he didn't blink, he didn't acknowledge that I had spoken.

"P-please, say something...anything," I begged. He hesitated, before unlocking his body, face forming instantly to the worst sight I'd ever seen; Edward looked absolutely broken, as if he were in agony. I couldn't look, I couldn't watch what I'd done, I couldn't bear to see him in this state...but I had to do it.

For him.

"Bella, why?" His voice was so weak, so agonized...

"I'm sorry, it has to be this way."

He pulled up to my house, stopping roughly before parking and turning fully to face me. I had to see his face, once last time, before I forced myself away from the only good thing I'd ever had.

"I'm sorry Edward...but you were wrong. I am strong enough to walk away, for my own sake." My tears flowed freely now, and I let them fall, too weak to wipe them away. "I promise, your family's secrets die with me. You can trust that much...the last thing I need is to be committed for spreading rumors about mythical creatures."

He flinched, hurt and shock encompassing those topaz eyes I loved so much.

"Bella-"

"Goodbye, Edward."

I jumped out the car as fast as I could, slamming the door without looking back as I bolted to the front door. I forced my way in, and the moment the door shut behind me, crumpled to the floor in agonizing sobs.

The thing I'd been forced to do, fated to do since Saturday was finished. I had never hated myself more than in this moment.

Charlie threatened me, threatened all of them—he told me I had to break it off with Edward and all the Cullens, or he'd do everything in his power to remove them from the town. He'd ruin everything they'd worked for, and I couldn't let that happen.

But the pain on his face, it was like my soul was being ripped apart by it...I couldn't think of it. I couldn't, I couldn't, no, no, NO!

I tried to think of his smile this morning, the way he held me, the way he looked in the sun, but each were too agonizing, stealing my breath with them as they faded.

The love of my life, untouchable and frozen in memoriam within the deepest recesses of my heart, forever.

I felt the rough wooden floor beneath my knees, and then the palms of my hands, and then it was pressed against the skin of my cheek. I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn't lose consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.

I did not resurface.