Relentlessly Yours [Completed]

Chapter 14

Nicola, Age Twenty-Four
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I stopped watching Kai's races altogether after he was reported to be dating the daughter of a former French F1 racer.

I also avoided watching all the videos and televised races at all cost because the camera men thought it was the best idea to focus on the drivers' girlfriends every time.

His girlfriend is blonde and petite. They were never seen together in public although maraming nagsasabi na magkasama sila palagi sa mga after parties at palagi ring may litrato ang babae sa nasabing mga events. The only consolation I have is that Kai was never photographed with her.

Parang pinagsakluban ako ng langit at lupa 'nong panahong 'yon. It was in the middle of the freaking race for god's sake. Habang naghihiyawan sa excitement ang mga tao, pakiramdam ko ay sinaksak ako ng paulit-ulit.

I think both my body and mind went to shock and I was in a daze when I got back in Manila the day after that. Hindi agad nag-sink in sa utak ko, ni hindi nga ako agad na nakaiyak.

I was in deep denial at first because how could he have gotten a girlfriend just five days after taking my virginity? How could he have done such an awful thing to me? Anong nagawa ko para parusahan niya ako ng ga'non? Was he already with her before it happened? I tortured myself with these questions over and over again.

When the reality finally sunk in, the initial pain was too intense and unreal, I had the first and major anxiety attack in four years of not having one.

The thought of Kai kissing her and touching her body like he did me made me throw up, literally. Kinailangan akong dalhin ni dad ulit sa ospital. I was inconsolable as I cried in his arms and I remember wanting to die. Gusto ko nalang mawala sa mundo 'non dahil pakiramdam ko ay 'yon lang ang solusyon para matapos ang pagdurusa ko.

Tulala ako sa sumunod na dalawang buwan at hindi makausap ng maayos. I remember just staring at the celing and the walls of my room for hours, looking with desolate eyes at my brothers who tried to comfort me, their soothing words were rendered useless because I couldn't even make sense of what they were saying. Ang alam ko lang ay ilang beses nila akong kinamusta. Even Calum who was also heartbroken by the disappearance of his girlfriend tried his best to make me feel better. Pero walang tumatagos sa akin. Not even the disgust on my mother's face as she accused me of over reacting and making a drama.

I guess I can't blame her because they all didn't know what happened. They didn't know it was because of Kai and his relationship status. Nakita nalang nila akong bigla na ga'non, although alam ko na may ideya ang papa ko.

I felt so numb I didn't even feel the pain when I started to cut myself. On my inner thighs. On my stomach. On the places where Kai's lips still lingered. Maliban nalang sa mga lugar kung saan makikita nila dad. I was still slightly aware of their concerned eyes that I refrained from slashing my wrist, especially my neck where Kai's lips frequented.

God, I wanted so badly to just...disappear.

The thought of fading away, of being forgotten, seemed almost comforting compared to endless pain of feeling invisible. Of being not good enough.

Nahuli lang ako ni dad nang naisipan kong dagdagan ng isa pang hiwa ang peklat ko sa palad, making an 'X'. This cut was a bit deeper than the first one and I was told I might not be able to paint again.

That and the tears on my father's face finally made me snap out of my dazed state. I would never, ever forget the agony in his eyes and all I could think was how selfish I was to put him in such pain over and over again.