In search of extinct stars

The silence of dead stars

 I've lost Lucas and I feel completely lost. The silence of the dead stars seems to envelop my broken heart. Memories of our past happiness haunt me, but now they're just distant shadows in the darkness of night. I feel alone, lost in an endless universe, where even the stars seem to have abandoned their brilliance. How will I find the strength to go on without him by my side? The emptiness in my soul seems insurmountable, but I know I must find a way to keep going. Maybe, slowly but surely, I'll find a glimmer of hope in this infinite blackness.

I hold Starlight close to me as I gaze up at the stars in the sky. Why do the stars shine so brightly when nothing is going right? Why do they give me hope when it's useless? I've lost Lucas, I'm empty without you. I don't even know how to breathe anymore. I can't get any air into my lungs. My heart is rejecting all the blood that should be going into it to beat properly. My body is self-destructing in the wake of your disappearance. Right now, at this moment, I'd give anything to be by your side and yet I'm sure I'd be looking at you, standing maybe two meters away, screaming and crying. I'd have no faith left. My Lucas, how could I ever believe in you again? You promised me we'd go away together and yet here I am, lying in the middle of a field in the north of France, looking at stars that shine so bright they give me a headache. You know, my Lucas, at this moment I wouldn't say no to a beer, who knows, maybe I'd feel like being with you. But no, I'm not going to do it. It would be too easy to sink into alcohol. And anyway, when I get back to real life, I'll realize you won't be there. It wouldn't be just you and me. And yet my Lucas, my love, when I put on the red sweater, the one it all started with, and I smell you still in it, I feel like you're there, me in your arms, looking at the stars in the distance.

The miles fly by under the wheels of the Grand California. I think Alex and I have found a balance. We don't talk much. Sometimes we laugh. We show each other people making faces in traffic. We cross France, then Belgium, the Netherlands and now we're in Germany. It's June. The weather is fine, but not very hot. The fields are in bloom, it's beautiful. As soon as I see poppies, my heart sinks. I automatically start thinking about Lucas. I remember running through the fields with him, laughing so hard I couldn't move. I'd love to hear his laugh again. Sometimes I watch the video Tom sent me. I look at the first image. I looked so happy, fit, with a body that worked. Now I have scars down my legs. I can no longer bend my left knee normally. Just putting on shoes has become a complex gesture. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for not seeing that Lucas wasn't well. For not having been able to prevent the accident. Often, when we're not driving, I sit outside and put on my headphones. I think Alex understands that I need them. For example, right now I'm listening to Car Radio and it forces me to focus a little on my emotions. I fully feel the loneliness I'm facing. Sometimes I cry. Other times I stare into the distance and lose myself for hours or minutes in my thoughts. I can't see the time passing. I reminisce about the good times I've had with Lucas. At times I talk to him. Silence answers me. I ask him questions, looking up at the stars. I like to think he's up there, among the stars, watching, watching and supporting me on this descent into hell. I find myself confronted by silence, the silence of dead stars. Then I remember why I left. I do it to pay homage to her, to the life we've had, to us, to love, real love, strong, powerful, violent, that takes hold of your guts. And when I remember, or rather realize, that he's not here, it hurts. I feel like someone's hammering on my heart, like a steamroller is crushing it or what's left of it. Sometimes Alex arrives at that moment, when I'm falling. He sits next to me. We don't talk. I couldn't do it anyway.

"Manon, I have a question. Well, two, exactly.- Go ahead.- You don't have to answer. If you don't feel like it or it bothers you, don't.- Don't worry, Dubois. I think I need to talk. I can't take it anymore.- Okay, uh, what exactly are you gonna do now?- Uh, talk to you, watch the stars with Starlight in my arms, then try to go to sleep.- What kind of life is that? Since I understand you can say goodbye to running and you haven't had any training.- Thanks for the reminder...- Sorry, it's just that I didn't know how to broach the subject and I figured the easiest way was to be as direct as possible...- Maybe you're right. Anyway, I've got to face reality... I say more to myself than to him. Well, I honestly don't know. All my life I've done nothing but run. I've been taught that. And who's going to want "poor Manon Reynolds, who not only lost her sport, her job and her passion, but also the one person who could love her"?- Wait a minute, what are you talking about, Reynolds? - Nothing, tinquiète. - No, tell me. We're stuck together for a while, so give birth. - Uh, well, haven't you been reading the papers, watching TV or social networking?- No, that's not really my thing. - Well, uh, people write that. At first it was pretty rare, but now it's, uh, like, more common. - Does Tom know? - No, I mean, I don't think so. But I don't want him to. He worries enough already. I don't want to put another burden on him. - Hey, you're anything but a burden to Tom, okay? You're one of the funniest people I know, you're a real star chick, you're just in a phase where you don't shine so much. - I even feel like a faded star... - Well, let's go and find some extinct stars then! Deal?- Yeah, deal. We agree you're talking about going to Sarek, right? - Norway, yeah!- The Sarek is in Sweden! We're going to Sweden, not Norway, Dubois!- Head for the Sarek in Sweden! In search of extinct stars!- Didn't you have a second question? - Yes, I did! Why is your dog called Starlight? - It's a long story... - Like I said, Reynolds, we've got plenty of time. So tell me about it. - Okay. Lucas and I liked to sit like this, lie down and look at the stars. And for a long time we'd wanted to get a dog. When we decided to adopt Starlight, we were asked for a name. We panicked and answered Starlight in unison. It wasn't until the evening that we talked. In fact, we each thought of a favorite moment, and for both of us it was our evenings under the stars. Hence Starlight.- It's not a long story. But it's cute, Reynolds. All right, it's a go.- Thanks, I guess.- Well, Reynolds, it's not that I don't like talking to you, on the contrary, if this goes on I might like you more than your damn brother, but I'm going to bed. Tomorrow's a long drive and I've got to get some sleep. So bed.- You're right. Who knows, maybe I'll manage to get a decent night's sleep...- You better hope so, old girl. I'm on the other side of the van if you need me.- Thanks, Alex. I really do.- Don't worry, Reynolds. Well, good night! Love, Starlight!- God natt. I'm gonna stay a little longer.- You want me to stay?- As you wish. But really, don't worry, go to bed!- Go ahead, it's not cold, there are no clouds, I can stay here. At worst, if it rains, we'll go home or if there's something weird you see, you'll wake me up.- Are you sure? Like you'd rather sleep here than in your own bed?- Well, I admit I like the comfort of the bed, but we're here for an adventure and I don't really feel like leaving you alone in the middle of a field when Reynolds clearly doesn't feel up to it.At the time, I'm so taken aback by his frankness that I don't know what to say. I look at him and he starts laughing.- Why are you looking at me with those eyes of fried merlands Reynolds?- Nothing, it's just that I'm not used to people being so transparent with me anymore.- Shit. You want me to stop? Since I can. You ask me and I'll stop right now. No pun intended.- No, I don't. Nobody talks to me anymore, not because I'm falling apart, but the silence is even worse.- I think I understand. So I'm still completely me?- Well, if that's the Alex I see, yes, go ahead. Honestly, it feels good. I feel like someone finally sees me, Manon Reyolds, rather than the broken girl who doesn't get a word in edgewise.- Okay. Well, I'll be on my way. I'm going to bed, ma'am. I'm here if you need me, okay?- Thank you, Dubois. Really, thank you.- Well, thanks for what?- For being here, for following me into my delirium without question.- Hey, ma'am, I really don't mind. How could I say no to such an adventure?- I've got a question too.- Go ahead, Reynolds.- I thought you hated adventure, van travel, camping, backpacking, so why are you here?- First of all, I love it. It's your brother who hates it, not me. Besides, Manon, we've known each other for over twenty years, and just because you're my best mate's twin doesn't mean I don't love you. And I was never going to let you go up alone like that. Besides, I've wanted to leave like this for a long time and I think I needed to. - Dubois, if you want to talk too, don't hesitate. I'm here for you.- Honestly, I don't want to bore you with my stories.- You wouldn't be bothering me. And I'm not saying no either. I wouldn't ask you if it bothered me.- No, but sometimes it's good to listen to other people's stories. It takes your mind off things.- Yes, it does. But how do you know all this, Dubois?- Everybody's got Reynolds baggage. More or less heavy, but everyone has it.- You know what, we've got a long trip and no return date so you can share your luggage with me if you feel like it.- Thanks, Reynolds.- Don't worry, Dubois. Well, didn't you want to sleep in the first place?- Good night, Reynolds. - Good night, Dubois."

For the first time in over three weeks I slept well, out there under the stars, in my red sweater, snuggled up to Alex.