Forever Connected

Change of Pace

I feel my sight becoming blurry with tears as I watch Alex slowly let go more and more."I've got you, you're okay" I say to her while brushing her hair away from her face.

I see her eyes shakily meet mine before closing. I hear her breath slow for the first time in what feels like forever. I feel her body relax into mine fully. And it's only then I stop smoothing her hair when I finally realize the reality of the situation. My little sister passed out in my lap.

The tears start to fall down my face slowly dripping down my cheeks. I take a shaky breath and try to pull myself together. I don't even know how we got here. I don't even fucking know what happened. Each strained breath I make causes my lungs to feel more on fire than the last. It feels like a fucked up nightmare.

"Tyler. We should move her to her bed, or at least the hallway." Oliver says to me. I'm about to snap at him, to yell at him for God knows what. I can't even understand why I'm so angry but I am, I snap my head towards him ready to yell before I see the tears lining his eyes as well.

My anger drops, and my shoulders slump in defeat. Oliver's right, we can't just stay here and expect her to lay in this damned bathroom until she wakes up. I take a breath trying to ground myself before letting out a rather shaky response.

"Yeah...yeah, okay"

I slowly lift her with a hand under her legs and one on her back. God was she light, concerningly so but I can't worry about that right now. Right now all that matters is getting her somewhere more comfortable.

Oliver opens her door for me and I follow in with Alex in my arms being careful not to knock her head or legs as I pass through the door. I gently place her down making sure she's on her side in case she throws up again. I find the watermelon blanket she picked out last night and gently place it over her frail body. I end up sitting at the end of her bed glancing at her every few seconds, like she would stop breathing if I looked away for too long.

I hear a small thud of a glass and look up to meet Oliver as he places a glass of water on her bedside table which he got at some point. I barely noticed him leave.I stare at the small rise and fall of her shoulders matching with the small noise of air exhaling from her nose, the little sounds and small movements keeping me in the moment, that she is alive, she's safe, and she's here.

It's like one moment she was present, she was just scared, I mean god I would be scared too, but the next it was like she was on a different planet far away from ours. It was nothing like her panic attack yesterday, not at all for that matter. This time it was less terror and more pure unfiltered fear.

Before I could even react I heard her in the bathroom, only to walk in on that horrifying site. God to see your baby's sister with tears running down her face uncontrollably hurling between sobs is fucking heartbreaking. I don't think I've ever felt so fucking useless n my life then I did in that moment.

I take a deep breath trying to focus on the rise and fall of my chest to break from my spiraling thoughts. I look at her as I start to zone out and just try to rest for a little with her so I'll be with her when she awakes.

———

"Tyler?" I question while knocking on Alex's door.

He had been there a while. I wasn't sure and still am not sure if he was planning on staying with her until she woke up, but in either scenario, I want to make sure he's alright.

These last 2 days have been whiplash for everyone in this house. I know it's been stressing Tyler out like he's not doing enough. Before she came to live here he used to always be so afraid that he hadn't done all he could, it took him years to work through the fact some of what he did was messed up but it didn't define him, and god am I so proud of all the progress he has made.