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february
Timothée took a breath, staring at the blue of Zinnia's front door. After he spoke to Juno, he had gone home and really thought about what she said. He was, as he had said to her, an idiot, he couldn't believe he let the initial hurt of being rejected make him act like that, to shut down on her and not actually listen. Zinnia had been right, of course, they hadn't seen much of each other, and he couldn't just propose and expect that to fix everything. But he was here now, early on the morning of her twenty third birthday, to listen and try and salvage their relationship.
After a very, very long time of standing on her doorstep, he knocked on the door, and took a step back, waiting. He heard footsteps from behind the door, shuffling, and he braced himself, running through what he was going to say, and the door opened.
All of the words Timothée had rehearsed got stuck in his throat. He was looking right at, not Zinnia, but a different blond.
"Oh." Was all Drew could say.
There was the sound of feet on the stairs, soft, and Zinnia's groggy voice.
"Who is it?" She asked, freezing when she was beside Drew, looking at Timothée.
Timothée looked at the both of them standing next to each other, clearly having just woken up, hair all messy, Zinnia's slept-in mascara making dark rings around her eyes.
"Are you being fucking serious right now?" Timothée stood a step back.
"Tim." Zinnia's voice was barely above a whisper, as if she were afraid to say anything out loud.
"Tim, it's not, I- I don't- I was very drunk and-"
"Don't bother, Zinnia." Timothée turned and walked away. She just watched him go, helplessly standing there, unable to say anything.
"Well..." Drew said nonchalantly, putting his arm around her, his hand on her waist.
She shrugged him off, pulling the front door sharply.
"Don't piss me off, Drew."
"Hey, this is not on me. Don't take this shit out on me."
Zinnia sighed, dragging her hands through her hair.
"Fuck, fuck! I am going to fucking kill Sage!" She muttered, turning away from where Drew stood at the front door.
"So sleeping with me was all a mistake then?"
"God, you are such a man! Obviously it was, Drew, obviously!"
Drew let out a frustrated sigh. "So that's it, then? You're going to go back to him, marry him, just go along with whatever he wants? Hm?"
"Drew, I don't want to argue, please." Zinnia's head was in her hands, and she had gone from standing, to sitting on the hardwood floor in the hallway, leaning against the wall.
Drew sat next to her, leaning back against the wall too.
"Listen, Zinnia. I can't tell you who you are and what you want. I'm being selfish when I say you don't want a life with him. I don't know what you want." He said finally.
"I don't know what I want either." She paused. "I think, I want to be wanted."
Drew turned his head, looking at her, trying to understand what she meant. She looked up at him, cheeks shiny with tears.
"Drew, we've tried this before, me and you. It didn't work. Last night, all I wanted was to be sexy to somebody, and here you come along, all sweet and smiling and saying all the right things. And, I just, I think I need to spend some time alone. I kind of lost myself in Timothée."
Drew smiled softly at her. "I understand, Zin. I think I'll always have a thing for you, but I can't make you do what I want."
"I really like you, Drew. Even without all this confusion, you're a good person, you always have been. I'm sorry if I kind of led you on. I just really need to be single right now."
Drew stood, and helped her up with him. He pulled her into a hug, his chin on her head, her arms around him.
"I hope you find what you lost in him, Zin."
♱
Zinnia was unsure how she had convinced Timothée to meet with her. It had taken a week of messaging, and he probably only said yes to get her to stop. She sat outside of the coffee shop, waiting, looking round her anxiously, hoping to catch sight of his dark curls. In front of her sat a double espresso and an almond croissant, and she kept picking at it, breaking tiny pieces off and placing them on her tongue.
"Hey."
She glanced up from the sliver of almond she was dissecting with her nails, smiling gratefully at Timothée. He pulled out the chair opposite her, and sat down nervously.
"Thank you for coming."
He didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry about Drew. I really, truly, am. I know I technically have the right to do whatever I want a month after the breakup, but it was still shitty."
"You don't have to be." He breathed out. "You're right, you can do whatever you want." He spoke stiffly.
"I want you to know, Tim, I would have married you."
"Would have."
"It's not that I didn't love you, but kind of the opposite. I loved you too much."
At this Timothée frowned. "How can you have loved me too much?"
"Because I would have let you do whatever you wanted to me." She said softly. He raised his eyebrows in surprise, leaning back in his chair. "And, that's not you," she continued, "I just- I didn't like myself but you did, and I would have laid down and let you do anything, just to keep you happy, to keep you loving me. And when you proposed, I realised I would have said yes despite what I wanted, would have married you, had your children and given myself to you, and I got kind of freaked out."
He stared at her, his expression unreadable.
"I didn't know you didn't like yourself." He cleared his throat, his heart breaking through his words.
"Well, that's the kind of thing you don't say out loud. But, I want to do better, and I need some time to be single, and figure myself out."
Timothée stared at her over the table, his eyes welling with tears. He stood up, walking round to her, and once she was also stood, he pulled her into him.
"Are you okay?" She whispered.
"It's very hard hearing someone who you care so much for say they've been feeling like this, and you had no idea." He said, pulling away to look her in the eyes. "I wish I knew, Zin. I wish I was there for you. I was never there for you."
"It's not your fault, Timothée."
He nodded, wiping away the lone tear that had slipped down his cheek.
"Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry I was such a bad boyfriend."
"No, you weren't. You weren't."
They hugged again, and Zinnia felt as if she could finally get some rest.
a message from zig zinnia is officially single and NOT ready to mingle, i can give her a break now
