Falling For Insanity

Thank Me Again

Chapter Thirty One
     Rosie's POV

Rather or not Eric feels the tension between us, I don't know, but I do. It weighs me down; being around him, having to talk and look at him. It's like I'm suffocating all alone while surrounded by multiple people. Like someone is sitting on top of me.

Smiling is almost impossible, being forced to express happy emotions that I'm so far from feeling. It's almost painful.

I can't tell my mom. I can't tell Eric or Blake that I know she's dead. There isn't a grave site to go visit my sister at, offering me some kind of release.

I'm trapped in the padded walls of my own mind, in agonizing silence.

And I don't know what to do.

My life has come crashing down around me, leaving me no room for an escape. How am I supposed to survive when I no longer have my sister? My everything.

None of this is fair.

Why me?

Nothing seems real anymore. I'm here but I'm really not. Due to sweeping it under the rug and bottling everything in...I'm slowly withering away. Coming apart at the seams.

I feel...

Soulless.

What reason can I give as to why I should continue to live? That reason has been taken from me. I am not enough...not worth it...

I'm a serial killer.

It should've been me.

As all my classmates returned to school after the holidays, excited to finish off their last semester of high school...I returned with nothing to be joyous over. Instead, I came back to the bright hallways of the school an entirely new person, my life being turned upside down in such a short amount of time.

Everyone knows something is off.

The stars are constant, never feeling like I'm by myself from the first bell of the day, to the last bell of the day. The bizarre stories spread around the school within the first few hours of our first day back, setting the tone as to how the remainder of my year would go.

Once upon a time I entered classrooms where no one even knew I existed in. Now I can't go to the bathroom without being followed, as if they have high hopes of hearing a story, gossip to tell.

It would be a lie if I said a part of me didn't enjoy all of the attention I'm getting now.

It's like I have an unsaid control over the school, everyone feeling it but not recognizing it.

Although a whole other part of me wanted to go into a fetal position, away from all of the stares and rumors. I wanted to scream that I just found out my sister is dead, to leave me alone.

But I have to bottle that in just like everything else.

"You have to stop looking like that." Blake had told me on that first day back, sitting at the lunch table across from me. When I asked him how I was looking, his exact words were, "Like a killer."

But I couldn't help it. I have a thousand reasons to be angry, sad, hurt, confused. And all I want to do is express all of that by killing people. If I can't be happy, if I have to lose loved ones...

Then so should everyone else.

Getting through my days at school are much harder now that I kill people. Every time anyone annoys me in the slightest, I want to strangle them right then and there. Especially when people who've never talked to me before want to give me their condolences about Faith's disappearance, most people already assuming she's dead. The vodka I keep in my water bottle does help.