there is always a certain moment after her evening meal, normally when she's in the shower, that a sensation appears that she knows if she moved the muscles in her throat just right, all the contents in her stomach would spill down the drain. she loved how it was so easy. she didn't do this often, she probably should do it after every meal, but the way it makes her feel stops her. she feels remorseful and guilty even if her mind wanders over to the subject. it eats her up that she can't just puke up her meals before digestion sets in, without her feeling guilty. she wants nothing more than to be a size double zero, but she knows how tough it will be to get her pant size down that low from her current and undisclosed size. no one completely comprehends that when she says her weight and how she looks floods her mind twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. it's all she thinks of.
if I eat this, my lunch mates will think I'm such a pig.
I can't even begin to imagine what my stomach must look like while I sit in this tiny desk.
I hate tagging along with my friends, they all buy extra smalls, zeros, twos. hell the extra small is even too big on her, and she eats more than I do.
God, I wish my rib cage would show when I stretched.
why do my legs have to touch
I must look like such a fat ass in this, I'm not wearing it.
I look lumpy, fuck. no.
she can't help but wonder
why can't it be as simple as taking a pair of scissors and cutting the fat out
she hates every single tiny bit of her body and personality, regardless of how many times she's told that weight doesn't matter. have you ever seen a boy ask out a fat girl and it not have been meant to be a joke ?
no. because people fucking suck. people suck. no ! who gives a flying fuck if you have an amazing personality and an at least semi pretty face ? no one. you have to have a thigh gap and a flat stomach to even make a guy curious. if that's not sick and fucked up, then I don't know what is. she could've ranted what was on her mind all day to anybody, whether they listened or not, but she knew that her speaking about the subject wouldnt change any guys mind about her. she will always be fat, and she will always be ugly.
she wants to be able to stop eating. she wants to, guilt-free, be able to shove her fingers down her throat three times and spill it all. hell, you wouldn't believe how many times she's thought over her eating plan once school starts back up again.
eat a mini yogurt for lunch,
skip lunch,
skip lunch but drink a water, skip lunch,
eat half an apple for lunch
she never eats breakfast anyways, 5:30am and food do not work well. it makes her sick. she cannot eat that early, and for once that's one thing she can have secret confidence in.
dinner will be eaten on a medium-sized saucer.
she will have half a serving of meat and a tablespoon of vegetables. no starches. starches are never okay.
food is the ultimate enemy.
