ꫝꫀ᥅ ꪊᜣ᥅ﺃᦓﺃꪀᧁ

𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑻𝒘𝒐

We had a party on my block on Christmas Eve. It was a jolly thing, I've never gotten so drunk before! You should've seen Giuseppe. The lad was dancing as if he won a million dollars!

In the morning, I opened my presents. Pop got me a new pair of shoes. Surely, I'll get a gal now. It was such a good morning. We had breakfast, went to church, it was so much fun!

But then, I spoiled it.

I opened the box he gave me. I waited until I was alone, which was before lunch. It smelled like his scent. He has a strange smell. It's very girly, like my mother's perfume.

"Hey, Patty, I gotta lay it down for you.

You see, I fancy you as if you were a board. I look at your body like you're a lady. I think I'm starting to love you.

There's something else you should know about this. I imagine myself as a woman. When I go to the marches and talk with the ladies, I truly feel like myself. There's just something inside me that seems to bloom. I want to have a broad's body and a swell voice, and those glad rags they wear.

Please don't get sore over this. Please love me too."

I felt something becoming angrier as I read it. I didn't want it to be true. When I was younger, I caught the hots for a boy. Only once, please don't think of me as a sinner!

But that crush never left. It was a boy with big brown eyes and wild black hair. I watched him grow, and he watched me grow. We slept over each other's houses, been to each other's birthdays, given gifts, laughed and cried together, fought, and got in trouble together. I tried to make the crush leave, alas, it never did.

Giuseppe has always been that dream. The flowers in the spring and snow in the winter. That little beautiful gem you want to take home but can't. I pushed it down for years, but that letter brought them all up again.

I stayed in my room all day, mom and dad getting themselves up in knots about it. I didn't know what to tell them. They adore Giuseppe, but what would they say about all that yap?

------

Gis and his "family" came over for dinner a few hours later. He kept looking at me, I didn't look back. It felt so hard. I couldn't even pray. My skin wanted to dash when Giuseppe's father's butter fingers held my hand. Talk about sinners in heaven.

I couldn't eat, neither could him. We excused ourselves, saying we wanted to smoke a butt. We stood in the backyard, the gray clouds above us. It was going to storm any minute now.

"Did you-"

"-yes."

He looked so scared. He's been scared of his witts before, like when he had to step in front of his mother because his father was beating her like a piece of meat. He was only six and got the worst beating yet. He couldn't come to school because his father broke his foot. I didn't know about this until a year ago. I saw red, I tell you!

And I saw red again.

"Giuseppe, we can't be sinners. T-This isn't going to work!" He hung his head. "I won't tell on you, but you need to stop."

I started to walk off. I felt so angry. I didn't want my heart to start aching.

"Did you ever love me, Patty?"

I stared at him. His voice was shaky. I wanted so badly to be honest. I didn't. I don't know why.

"No." I looked away, I could already see the tears in his eyes. "And you ain't a board, quit calling yourself that."

I went back in before him, I said that he wanted another smoke. He came back much later. He avoided me. He didn't even look at me. I felt like a monster. I said I had to go to bed early.

As I laid in bed, I overheard Giuseppe saying he needed to go home for school tomorrow. Tears started to get in my ears. I really don't know why I was being a boob. I liked him, he liked me. It should've been perfect. I ruined it.

----

Around two in the morning, I woke up. I sat up and looked outside. The storm started then, it was snowing cats and dogs. I lit up. I saw him. It was hard to see anything, but I knew it was him. He was holding a suitcase. He wore a hat and a coat. I opened the window.

"Giuseppe, you sap! Get back in, or you'll freeze!"

He didn't listen to me. He just kept walking forward. I looked away. I hoped it wasn't him, maybe some other man. I closed the window and went back to sleep.

----

I dreamt of him. He didn't say anything, I didn't either. I kept trying to reach for him. He began to cry. He was freezing and light blue. He turned his back to me and walked away from me. I lost him.