My book of arbitrary feelings with no real evidence to back it up

My current state. (Unedited-typos)

I at, this moment of inspiration, was in a car. Reading a book of quotes. Thinking, "Can these help me shape my personality? Realize what I want?" Even though I knew both of these things already. My dreams were decided. My hopes, I knew them. But why I felt so empty, I just couldn't place it. Was it because the person I wanted was out've reach? Because I wasn't a healthy, or fit as I wanted? I don't know, and probably never will. To be honest, my life has nothing wrong with it, per se. I have two sets of loving supportive parents. Friends who loved me. People who told me I was good. But I was still unhappy. I just wanted to skip the drama of my mind, and quit with my facade of absolute perfection. My mask that I am happy, and wouldn't change a thing. But I wouldn't. I like my life. I just am not happy. I'm not sad, but I'm just, here. Maybe that's what I want to change. My capricornic personality dictates that I always have a direction, and these summer days with no goals, no plans, is irritating. And being so close to her. The girl I'm completely and utterly in love with, just had her heart broken. Meanwhile I broke up with her best friend because of her parents, and I broke my promise to remember her and come back, because I had been in love with the other all along. I see her and I feel bad for wanting her close, I want to comfort her, but feel selfish because of my true intentions. I want to help people. Especially people with depression, people who have done stuff like cutting, or attempted suicide. But because I want to feel like I helped someone, and wasn't just a consumer of the pain around me. To make my anger and sadness more valid I'm my own eyes. I don't know.

If you want to comment or share how you feel, please feel free. I enjoy hearing about people's problems and helping. And please help me understand myself and my complicated emotions, how I feel like a terrible person for forgetting my feelings of love and affection towards another human, especially one as intimate as a lover.