If I Could Feel

Untitled Part 2

I turned my red teary eyes away from my mother. Maybe if i just told her maybe then i wouldn't feel so hurt as i did. maybe she would comfort me just a little. "shay! i have to make a run to town." she said as she grabbed my perfume bottle off the nightstand. her back was turned to me yet i can see she wanted to say something, "about exams-" she paused. 

i hated how she always worried about my grades than me her actual child, here i was crying voice too shaken and a head ache that echoed my heart beat every millisecond, and her back was turned to me. that's was my last. 

i gripped the bed sheets and part of me wanted to yell at her, another begged for her. "i-" she sighs and leaves the room. I know she could feel my emotions at that point  i kept glaring at my fone which housed the picture of a man i once loved, numbed to the pain that made my body beg for his longing touch. there was nothing i wanted to hear him or see him one last time. the issue would have been avoided if i had just told him. told him that i had cheated, and that i was unsure of my self. 

another part of me was angry, broken, hurt.  why had i let this happen even though i said i loved him. why didn't just tell him i wasn't ready to return the affect he so wanted. it hadn't been the first case, and when he had asked why i did it, no logical reason could fill my brain. my breath were in shambles and my very thoughts collapsed as i tried to gather myself. 

"you stupid asshole." i cried as i tried to get up from my bed, i wasn't exactly cursing him alone but i cursed my self and my family.  maybe then i would have had the ability to tell my actual emotions in that moment. i was raised on the thought of never letting your emotions think for you.  there was either three things you could think; it was either sexually logically or emotionally 

i couldn't turn think straight and i was not hungry for what felt like a month, food had no taste and water felt as if i was trapped in a dessert and a glass wasn't enough. what was it worth, i was at the end of my self. and the day had started with a text from my lover, "Timothy" he was a nice youth, slim tall and he was caring and charming.

"hey  you busy"