The Choices We Make

Chapter 1. Alianna's POV

"You're the reason he's dead!"

"You never deserved him!"

All of a sudden, the darkness envelops me. I want to scream as I desperately kick my feet but I can't seem to outrun it, I can't seem to escape it. It's like I'm six feet underwater as all the air caves in leaving no space to breathe. My chest tightens and the invisible rope around my neck, threatens to snap it in half. It's painful, numb and this wave of grief, desperation, and devastation washes over me.

I hear someone screaming, but I can't recall if it's me or truly another voice. Suddenly I jerk awake, knocking down my nightstand in the process. Safe. You're safe. One step at a time Ali. On nights like this, that voice in my head, that strangely sounds like my old self, I suppose it's the only thing that stops my world from crashing down on me. It wasn't a nightmare. I remember the words of my phsychologist, as she mentioned they were, "night terrors". Some people get nightmares about things they fear, but my "night terrors" were of my haunted past, and no matter how much I ran, I couldn't seem to escape it. Closure was a bitch.

Just as I pull off the silk bedsheets off my bed and walk over to the balcony, I hear muffled footsteps across the hallway, followed by the click of the doorknob and then, a deep sigh. Avery, my 21 year old brother walks in. Dark circles pool under his eyes, clearly emphasizing the lack of sleep he's been getting since we moved to Florida. But then again, I doubted anyone was getting much sleep since the accident. "Did I wake you?" I ask uncertain of what to say.
If it had been any other night before the accident, my brother would have come in and even cracked a joke to lighten up the mood. But what happened, had left a dent on our lives, I wasn't sure if we could ever forget it, and it would take time, even then.

Concern pooled his eyes and an emotion I strangely recognized as regret flashed over his expressions before he blinked it away.
"Did you accidentally knock the night stand over again?" Avery asks his gaze moving to the glass structure now dismantled on the floor. "Oh, uh, I might need a little help with that." I smiled sheepishly. Avery smiled.
We spent the next few minutes fixing up the bedroom. "Thanks Ave, you know I really appreciate it." I meant what I said, after what happened, we'd all been consumed by our grief and regret, but he had never once left my side. Even though the accident had left a dent on our relationship, if it was anyone I was sure I could fix things with, it was him. "You know I'm always here. I wish I could do more to help." Avery said sighing again. "You do enough already. But do me a favor, and go get some sleep it's past 2:00 a.m. and if anything that looking like that tomorrow, is going to scare the creep out of Chase when he sees you at the airport."

I say in an attempt to soften the environment. His eyes warmed to a certain degree at the mention of his bestfriend's name, even though they had only met 3 years ago, they had grown close, and I was glad Avery had someone to rely on. I knew firsthand what it felt like to be trapped. "You can't get rid of me that easily Ali, tell me now, what happened this time?" He asks. "What happens everytime. Is it really new? I'm fine Avery I promise. And I'll wake you if I need something I promise." The lies flow out smoothly.

The first few months after we moved here, I promised myself not to shut people out. But after a bit, the reaching out, finding help, it gets exhausting to a point where it makes you feel like a burden. I give him a reassuring smile. "if you're sure, and well, I'm just down the hallway if you need anything." He said as he walked away. It hurt to think like that, but in a few weeks, I'll be off to princeton, and suddenly, he won't be just down the hallway but halfway across the country. It's for the best, it'll hurt them less when you're gone. Another voice in my head intrudes.

Avery walks towards the door and when he shuts it behind him, the familiar feeling of panic resurfaces. I slip past the balcony doors and look out. Even though I had given my mother the initial outburst of "we were fine in California and you ruined my life". I have got to say, the view was definitely one to die for.

Don't get me wrong, I never grew up spoiled. We were rich yes, maybe the richest in the country even. But Cassandra Alarie took pride in her morals, personality, and honor even more so than her money. And spoiled bratty kids were a big no-no to her reputation. So mommy dearest made sure we grew up what is otherwise known as "tamed". I could hardly complain about that though, she was a cruel person, but if she had done anything in her life right, it was the way she raised her children to hold her own opinions.

The stars were beautiful on the Miami seashore. Not as pretty as the northern lights in Cali though. Sometimes, it made me wonder, why it had to be me, whose parents got divorced and her mom flew them halfway across the country at the age of 16 to "start over". It was the textbook definition of reputation damage control for Cassandra. I sighed, it was going to be a long night.

Somehow, I'd managed to fall asleep at 5:00 a.m. and thrown out of bed by the sickly alarm just thirty minutes later. It was just Saturday, even though it was nothing special, mom didn't except excuses and she was a perfectionist, if she says we get up at the crack of dawn, we do. That's how it worked in the Alarie household, till I turned four and suddenly, they were too busy to ever come home to care again.

two months later

Princeton had a good campus and if I were careless old me, I think I would've actually cared. But that good girl was long gone. Even though I didn't play many sports, I grew up loving ice hockey with my brothers. Princeton had one hell of a hockey team to brag about, and naturally, I joined the journalism program in my freetime to go and write articles for the university's paper. I had my own little section in the sports news department, thanks to the few second years I had befriended.

Med school was tough, and it never hurt to have a few friends. Olivia and Kristina were both kind girls, they came from a good family, and once upon a time, we would've been bestfriends. But now, they were just mere acquaintances on my mother's request. To her dissaproval- not that she'd ever find out- I had gotten a few good acquaintances on the lower side too, and as unhealthy as they might be, I had found some sleep pills, to cope with my insomania.
I stopped going to my therapist after a month of treatment, it seemed to be no use.

I had better things to do with my time than drown myself in self-pity. "Ali! There you are! I have been looking all over the garden for you!" Kristina yelled across the hallway. By garden, she meant park, did I mention she's British? Right well. Following her, Olivia came jogging towards me with an excited smile on her face.

"Well? Have you heard?" They both asked in unison. "Heard what?" I asked bored yet curious all the same. "There's a new student coming! Midterm transfer from Harvard!" Kristina says blushing. Oh here we go again! "I heard he's hot and plays hockey too!" Olivia giggles. "Does prince charming have a name?" I ask with mockery. "He is right here, sunshine." A familiar voice, I hadn't heard in three years, said from behind me. fuck me. sideways. Sometimes, life really has me wondering, what would it be like to just melt into a gigantic puddlem?