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"Are you okay?". A familiar voice, but one I didn't yearn to hear called for me.
Dave sat on my bed worry evident in his eyes. Krist stood in the doorway biting his nail.
Numbly, I look away from them and shake my head 'No'.
"You dreamt about him again..didn't you?". I bit my lip trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to pour out.
But, of course, weakness won and the tears came pouring down my cheeks as I shoved my hands in to my face.
Dave looked back at Krist wondering what he should say, Krist shook his head knowing that there was no easy way to soothe the grief of someone who's missing their soul.
Dave patted me gently on my shoulder as I felt his weight get up off my bed and the door close behind both of them.
There, I laid, drowning myself in guilt and sadness. This hasn't been the first time I've had that dream about Kurt. I have them almost every night and that's only if I even sleep.
It always starts off so innocent but then the more the dream goes on the more hectic shit keeps happening. It's been a month since he's been gone. I have been put in an endless void of just existing. Nothing more or less. I've seen all the attempts to make me feel somewhat better like Dave and Krist staying over every other week even though no doubt their going through their own heartbreak. Sometimes even my mother comes over and tries to tend to me just in case I forgot to provide myself with basic necessities.
It has been that way since I last saw Kurt, hauntingly worse than the sick Kurt I see in my dreams. He looked devoid of any emotion, anytime I gave him kisses or told him I loved him, he would respond but it wouldn't hold that yearning it once did. Whenever Kurt looked at me his glance withheld a look of shame and disgust. Not targeted towards me but the situation..
Another thing that especially broke my heart even more was how even Frances didn't draw anything out of him. The girl he loved with his whole being (because I counted that I was a lost cause) couldn't make him smile, once his eyes would metaphorically turn in to hearts because of how much he adored her. He was a ghost within himself, I know that Krist talked to me about him potentially having brain damage but I didn't really...want to believe that. With the other truths and being confronted on his steady decline that was the last thing I wanted to hear.
Somedays it makes me sick to even think about Kurt, but other days I want to be able to fully indulge in my memory of him. Ones that haven't been tainted by the circumstances or drunken misalliances. I just want him back...
He promised me so much and...It hurts my soul to know that he couldn't hold on longer...
